Wyn's Playlist

© Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com, 2014-2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Healthy — March 31, 2017

Healthy

Will I have full hair

Will I ever fully hear

I’m so tired of you

Then you have this dude, full of rage and lies able to live in his sin

And you blocked our sins

Writing about it doesn’t do justice 

Everyday I have trauma worried about getting beaten or raped

His (man’s) love can’t save me

His (man’s) love doesn’t do anything 

The greatest love of all doesn’t do anything for me

The greatest love has me still here in the bed that I lay my eyes

Everyone else is so well off

The witch cried falsified rape, and gets to play games

I go no where 

The witch cried falsified rape and she’s better off than me

Apparently people respect you when you cry falsified rape, maybe I should cry rape too

I’m tired of today’s society

The witch got her masters, and you have me still

People in their sin doing them

I’m tired of today’s society 

I’m tired of the lies that stay hidden 

I don’t know anymore 

I’m tired of this season 

It’s time for the agencies

You hurt me 

You don’t even understand 

You block me from looking good 

People in flesh in their weave

When I’m doing what?

You don’t block their photo shoots 

But you’re blocking me

Don’t even know what to wear

Don’t even know what to be

The girl trying to do something 

out of poverty 

The witch cried falsified rape, and gets to be with redeemed

Who am I? 

The virgin that sits and waits

It’s a hallucination

Waiting on no contact return 

Waiting on people who don’t want to move on

They were very self centered 

They got their fame 

They got their money

And they now realize it wasn’t enough

Wynee didn’t know how to comb hair

Wynee needs to know the blush 

This dude is willing folks to come to him

These people are figment of imagination 

After today I will focus on God and Regina Ann*

I’m done after today

Wynee needs to take care of Wynee 

No one else is going to do it

I have no say in this house 

I don’t have a place of solace 

Even at that job I had no say

I can’t do this anymore 

I’m tired of struggling 

And you have the nerve to pull me out 

I just wanted my degree

I would have made it work

You already blocked being a lawyer 

I don’t even know what to do

I am tired of you stalling 

I’m so upset 

I’m tired

I’m tired of getting pulled out of stuff

I’m back at square one 

A black girl from Brooklyn, living with her parents

No one understands

People ignore the Spirit

to get ahead, and God is still with them 

No one understands 

I’m tired of this 

I don’t want to share 

No one wanted to share with me

No one invited me out

I didn’t have a car 

God blocked me from saving 

I’m always failing exams 

I’m tired of waiting for people 

Where is my set up

I need something 

No one is handing me an opportunity 

No one is holding me down 

No one knows my struggle 

I feel so tired of my life 

A thirty year old virgin that doesn’t know her worth 

Why are you preparing me for some man that’s doing him

It’s so uneasy to be in this house

Where’s the security in this house 

I wasn’t stressful at that job

I am more stressed in this house

I’m tired of talking 

Biggest lesson I learned to never speak up for myself again 

Laying down on my bed in the afternoon is not healthy

What is healthy?

I never want a man to be an excuse for me to not make moves 

That’s what I do make moves 

I don’t want a man to stop me

(*denotes name change for privacy)

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Stillness  — March 29, 2017

Stillness 

Father God,

It's been real these last few weeks to days leading up to end of March. Father God how stillness is just a wrestle for me, when I'm so used to finding like so many things to do to keep myself busy, and push for productivity. But trusting you God in the midst of this season, where things have gone in a whole other direction is truly an example of how you are in control of everything Dad. 

We truly have to walk in blind faith when it comes to this walk, and journey with you. Father God as I wait, because you are truly telling me to be still and wait on you. I make failed attempts towards gauging on what could it possible be that you are telling me to do next. Father God, as I journal down my thoughts, I pray that I am truly dwelling in your presence, and open to everything that you have for me, and want to offer me. I pray that you are just filling me up, but also father God I'm wanting to be overflowed with your love and peace. 

Change is something that I am giving less resistance to, but there's still an evolution in me that needs to happen daily as I grow to desire your ways to choose over my own understandings. Father God, I pray that I am open to the truths about myself. Stillness father God I am learning is hard to do, when there is no outdoor patio to watch the sunset, while waiting on Jesus to give you the message that you need to hear. 

Father God, it's real being where I am for the past several days, the renewal of my mind is happening rapidly as I am shedding and growing new skin. It's all because of you God. I thank you for all that you have done, and continue to do each day for as long as I still have breath in my lungs. Father God, as I wake up everyday in this household that I am currently in, I clearly see the traits and manners that I have clung to, due to habits and cultural identity and transferred mannerisms from my parents. 

Father God, how real is it when you see that the patterns of what your parents are doing, are what you do, and realizing that you cannot take them to the next glory. Thank you God that you love me so much, that you are doing the work in me, preparing me for where you are taking Regina Ann* and I next. Pruning us to be unashamed about doing the foolishness of God. 

Father God, it's been real seeing in me how much was still not being surrendered over to you, and doing a heart check on what is truly in the deep pit of my heart and soul. Seeing what is ungodly, and to hand it over to you in exchange for your sovereignty over my life, by trusting you with everything that you are leading me to do. Abba, thank you for the growing accountability in taking a leap, but also in expressing gratitude. 

Thank you father for the small victories, that have lead to greater ones throughout my journey on this walk with you God. I could not have done this alone by myself, no way. It's truly all of you and only you God, walking with me and just chiseling me bit by bit. Father God, as I come to you continuously laying it all down, and wanting your peace instead of my fleshly thinking of what peace can be. As I read last night in scripture in Psalm 37:37, "a future awaits those who seek peace…" 

True peace comes from you God, yes we can light that candle to give the room some ambiance or worship music to set the room; however, those are accessories that God doesn't need in order to connect with you. There is the yearning of stillness, that God has directed for you have with him. Father God, as I grow in this walk with you as a Christian, I truly am wanting you to hold me accountable with the stillness that you are calling me to have with you. You truly are strengthening me, and stretching me in this area. I am in stillness more than the day before. Father God, I thank you for constantly showing me intimacy and grace, towards the growing relationship that I have with you. Abba, your love never fails, and it never gives up on me…..in Jesus name, Amen.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)

Thank You God — March 28, 2017

Thank You God

Father God, 

I am just perplexed that I’m in this temporary but unknowing season of employment with Regina Ann*. I don’t know how to come to you, when I just am seeking you for reassurance God that everything is going to be okay. Father God, as I write out to you how I feel, the memories and recalling of last night’s sermon replays in my head; to give gratitude and thanks in midst of the “through it” that I am in. I am in the middle of something I can sense it and feel it. 

As I humble myself to realize how good you are to me God, that you are still right here with me, as I take leaps into the deeper unknown, and fully trust you with all my heart. I don’t know what the response back will be, and if I do then I find it hard to believe, but I choose to thank you for wanting so much more for me. I choose to thank you, that you pulled me out of that place when I was settling for less than greater for myself, because I was getting a paid education. 

Thank you for loving me so much, that you do not what me to settle in the love story you have for me, when I’m thinking that settling was the only way to receive “real love”. Father God I do not know, or I’m not fully aware of your plans for me, and if I am then I pray that you please make them so clear that there’s no confusion, or misinterpretation on what you are saying are the next steps. Father God, continue to just walk me through these waves of emotions, that are inflicted by my insecurities. 

I need you God as I truly try to push myself to not freak out, or panic about whatever these next moves may be. Father God I need you on how to move next. I need you with my prosperity, and future days ahead. I need you in increasing my trust and security in you. Father God, everyday you are stripping me and challenging my thinking about my “secure plan,” and what is the best option for me. As I push to not settle, and no longer seek a job that is a paycheck, but be prepared to what I’m called to do. As I trust you with my goals and plans. The leaps that I have been taking has me feeling that maybe nothing is possible, or what am I not doing enough? Am I really resting or just being lazy? 

God I’m having such a hard time with things. I am saying yes to the next doors. As I write out my frustrations, I realize to conclude this with praises and thanks. Father God thank you that I am not where I used to be. Many years ago I would be desperate, and settled for something as long as it could cover my bills being paid, but I am now in a space where I choose to trust you, despite how things may seem, despite what is the opposite of the norm. 

Thank you God for pulling me out from a space where I was unhappy, and just drowning every day. Thank you God for loving me through my fears and resistance. Thank you God for how I have the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Thank you God that I am no longer bound to any chains that would be used to condemn me. Thank you God that I am still standing despite the many who tried to offer me the world. Thank you God I am still standing despite the many that tried to knock me down. I am only here today because of you God. 

On 4/4/14 you saved me. You walked me down that church aisle to the front of the altar, and I lay down my life. I said yes to walking in faith, and wanting to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Father God thank you for breath. Thank you for everything. Thank you God as you hold what lays ahead for me. Father God I thank you that a relationship with you is forever evolving. Thank you God for all the unspoken things, that I have not mention or can’t recall. Thank you Abba, I love you. Amen.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)

Attacks — March 26, 2017

Attacks

It’s so hard for me to understand. 

I have a hard time understanding what I’m asking for.

That’s what bothers me.

It’s very frustrating. 

That’s why I want to give up.

In my core I just want God.

What is a leap of faith?

Where am I even leaping? 

What does it look like?

Does it mean I’m leaping every time I wake up?

Did I do this to myself?

Is it because I’m not sexually active?

If I have all these expectations, then Lord I lay them down. 

I don’t even know anymore. 

What are the right questions? 

What am I waiting to listen for?

How do I know what I’m listening to?

I’m not doing enough. 

I don’t know what enough is.

I feel like the weak link.

I’m not present. 

I don’t know what enough is.

I don’t know what present is.

I just want to be healthy.

I just want to do this walk. 

I want to be a bridge 

God’s Way.

I want to be a bridge 

to send the lost

to be found. 

God you’re saying I am found.

I don’t even know

what to say to that.

When I push to listen to God’s Voice, 

I don’t even know who I’m talking to.

I think what scares me, is the attacks and spiritual warfare.

In the Bible it says God’s still small voice.

But the attacks try to match.

That’s why I’m praying, and I don’t know if God’s healing and freeing me.

That’s why I sleep.

I want to sleep.

That’s why I don’t like communication, because I sound crazy. 

All I keep getting is I am free.

How am I free when I’m praying and I don’t know what You’re Saying to me?

How am I free when bondages trap me?

How am I free when I don’t know me?

I thought free was a magical lightbulb.

I don’t know anything. 

God show me how to be supernatural.

It’s easier to give up, and say I failed.

God, I’m sorry. 

I’m not taking enough leaps.

I’m trying to be still.

What do you do in stillness?

Where should I go read for stillness?

What books should I have opened?

I have questions and I don’t even know to ask them. 

I have a mouth that doesn’t know how to speak to God. 

I have eyes and I don’t know if I see God. 

I have a heart and I don’t know if it beats for God. 

I just want to give up.

I’m here as a Christian not knowing how to turn to God. 

I’m here as a Christian not knowing what I need from God. 

I’m here as a Christian not knowing how to be there, not knowing what to do, and not knowing what’s truth.

God you’re telling me I choose truth. 

How when I’m in this immeasurable amount of pain?

Am I choking in vain?

I don’t like what I wear.

I don’t like how I’m seen.

I’m a virgin that’s scared. 

What is my identity if God is for me?

What does that even mean?

I don’t know what to wear.

I believe I don’t know to be, because of my sexuality. 

I don’t want sex to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want him to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want Regina Ann* to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want brother to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer.

I think I need mental help. 

I’m always crying about something. 

I pray one day 

I can hear you clearly God, if you choose to. 

The enemy fools me to believe lies.

I get attacked about Regina Ann and brother all the time.

I’m very disturbed about attacks, they make me so fearful. 

I choose truth no matter how hard it is to do.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons

Virgin  — March 24, 2017

Virgin 

I’m afraid for him to touch me

I’m afraid

I can’t express it

Something popped with him

Like how he sees me

I don’t know something popped 

Something popped for him

Or for me and something I now see

I can’t 

I don’t want 

I’m a virgin

I can’t 

I want out

I can make it 

I can make it happen 

Send me the agencies

I’ll look

I don’t care 

I just want out

I don’t know what popped

Something popped 

Why is he still in this 

If being a virgin 

is a problem then fine

Go to someone else

He sniffed me 

because of my innocence 

I didn’t know you could smell love

He just wanted to smell me

because it was so sweet

I’ve been staring at my hands

and I see they’ve matured 

into grown woman hands

My hands match fingers 

of an adult 

My polish color 

the length 

It’s stupid but it’s an adult hand

I really wish I didn’t listen 

that night God told me 

to hold onto my virginity 

I wouldn’t be here 

because my parents would’ve kicked me out

I would’ve been determined to figured it out

I would’ve kept ignoring you God

Being a virgin makes me not see

They’ll be no Regina Ann*

They’ll be no him

They’ll be no brother

It’s a huge culture shock

My tastes and colors changed

I need to not look childish anymore

Having sex changes you

I really wish I didn’t wait

Here I am 

Whatever I don’t care

Regina Ann* doesn’t have my problems 

He doesn’t have my problems 

I’m 29 with childish outcomes 

I don’t care what he wants

He’s never going to find me again 

God it’s a lie

to protect my virginity 

Nobody wanted to hear from the virgin 

The virgin always gets it worse 

I just wanted to be loved

Being a virgin is a curse 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Behold (Part II) — March 23, 2017

Behold (Part II)

3/23/17

Being still is very hard for me Father God, as I come to you no longer wanting to get suck in the reels of the Explorer page of Instagram. I lay down my desires with cosmetics, skin care, beauty regiments, and hair, body, nails. 

God I truly desire, and I come to lay it all down to you. I want your way father God over my own way. I want you to show me, and lead me instead of being self-lead. Father God this is something that I have been wrestling with you on for while, but I realize after this trip to Alabama that just passed it needs to end. It is always better to trust, and lean on you than on myself. I have such a hard time with being still because it’s a matter of control, and growing deeper in trusting you. 

Father God, make a way for me as I take a plunge to dive in your waters of trust. I am choosing gratitude of giving you these deepest desires of my heart over fear and control. Trust for so long father God was the hardest for me to do, but once I began to trust you Lord, and welcome you into my space, and proclaiming that I want only your presence to dwell on me that’s when you drove even greater changes in my life to happen. 

As I grow and draw near you Lord, I pray that I continue to trust you in giving you my desires and dreams. Very rarely father God do I talk about or mention these things to you. As I grow in your love Father, I found myself evolving in what you are placing in my heart, and I find myself having visions and dreams bigger than my heart can believe. 

God all these things lead back to you, and what you’ve placed in my heart. Everything that you have placed in my heart within me is for your kingdom. God I surrender the little that I have or known so far, so that there’s room for you to bless me with big. Father God, I pray that you reveal the plans of my life, or road paths to take, so that along the way I am praising you and giving you all the glory as it all comes back to you. 

Search me O’Lord, and any wickedness that is found within my heart take out and replace with your spirit of love, joy, kindness, and all the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Father God, show me want to do with the gifts, dreams, and desires that I have, and how to remain in tact on expanding your kingdom than feeding my flesh. Your gifts are to show those who do not know you why trusting you is better than trusting anyone else. 

With you by my side Lord I call you to guide me in all times especially in moments when I lack to seek you first. God as I continue to grow in running to you Father God I pray that all desires, dreams, and goals that are placed on my heart I pray over each, and every single decision that I am required or needed to make on them. 

I pray for both Regina Ann* and I, as we take a leap in the next phase, that you have already written out for us. Father God we say yes to your path, your will, your ways. Father God, we call on you to make and break any arsenal that we need or must dismantle. We pray to grow in spending more moments with you Lord, as whatever is next that we are entering into with you Lord lead us. 

We pray Lord that we spend more moments of stillness even now, as we are at rest and bay before you lay out the plans and guide our steps. Lord we come to you seeing why stillness is the way. As I write out all of this Father God, I see how stillness brings restoration and preparation before moving on to the next glory. I am being prepared for what’s next, and leaning on my own understanding was making me think that I have to quickly make moves, and figure out what are the next plans or steps to take. 

Abba, how you love me so much that you’ve blocked or stopped me in my tracks from looking like my former self. You are showing me how a reset is necessary in order to attain growth and healthy habits. Father God, I thank you so much for loving me, and from stopping me from creating more harm for myself. The hustle and bustle of what I use to do, cannot come with you and I to this next glory. So I choose to walk your path in peace and love as you lay the plans and blueprints on my heart. Amen.

Behold — March 22, 2017

Behold

She knows she lost him already. 

Her sins are wanting to 

keep her in bondages 

so that she doesn’t lay 

them down and release freedom 

from him or for him. 

She doesn’t want him 

seemingly to become better than them. 

She doesn’t want it.

So she remains in her stench. 

God is like I have to cover her in prayer.

Because he doesn’t want this. 

He doesn’t want her.

He doesn’t want this or them.

He doesn’t want it.

God I pray for your spirit 

to move in their lives even more. 

You make the room 

for your presence to be experienced 

and to be known. 

In Jesus name make room. 

Amen. 

Behold

You know the way to go,

so choose truth.

He chose you. 

Not her nor the gold.

He wants no stakes to hold.

He wants no games 

through or over freedom 

that he can’t expose. 

Because he’s so to bold 

to let it all go.

He prays for hope. 

He prays you let go 

of control and 

choose peace beyond 

you and me and him and brother. 

He realizes it’s us he needs. 

He’s ready.

Behold.  

Forward — March 21, 2017

Forward

Alabama change our lives God. 

It truly awaken something 

in our core within the depths 

of Regina Ann* and I. 

Father God following the trip 

I chopped off all of my hair, 

unafraid to start 

from scratch all over again. 

I was way too excited 

to take the leap with my hair; 

however, the trip to Birmingham 

was a different leap. 

It was a challenge 

to full throttle trust you 

with the trip because 

it wasn’t about who 

I was going to encounter or see, 

but it was about whom 

I’m going to leave behind, 

and in turn be. 

It was about me trusting 

you just off the eve 

from resigning from 

a teacher residency 

that both Regina Ann* and I 

were involved in. 

To trust you in 

not looking back 

and to move forward. 

Father God there’s something 

that my soul wants more 

than Birmingham, AL. 

That wants more then 

the freedom of my chopped hair. 

Just wanting to be with him and you, 

wanting your way first 

and foremost for me, 

and only wanting 

your ways solely. 

Father God as I wrestle 

with you on being still 

when I want to make moves 

and make trails for the path 

that you’ve laid for me. 

The blank canvas 

that you now 

have me in waiting, 

as I wait for you to 

tell me where go to 

the next chapters and destinies 

that you have called 

the mountains to move, 

and the waves to part 

for what you have for me. 

He pushes me, 

more than I can ever 

know or see. 

Father God thank you for him. 

Thank you for new beginnings, 

doors closing for 

the new ones to open. 

Father God thank you 

for the unknown so 

that I can grow into 

what you’ve known for me to be. 

Thank you for the new starts 

and projects, new ways to ideas 

and changes in thinking. 

Father God you used Birmingham, AL 

to show me why 

you’re way is the best way. 

Father God, as you 

open the door to new beginnings 

lead Regina Ann* and I 

every single step of the way. 

Father God, show us 

and reveal to us your truths, 

and your promises. 

Wrestle with us 

when our flesh tries to take over 

and lie to us that 

our broken ways are better, 

when they are not. 

Father God leads us. 

I pray for more leaps and adventures. 

I pray for more travel and 

more exquisite moments 

where your presence is known 

and gratitude is expressed to you. 

Father God, you have the course 

of my life and 

every one of your children’s. 

Father God, I pray for 

pressing forward 

and never turning back. 

I pray to trust the glory to glory 

even when moments are hard. 

Father God, I pray to trust 

the peace you give me 

in the midst of the foolishness 

of doing you (God). 

I pray for your love 

to shine bright on us. 

I pray for him. Amen. 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Exposes  — March 20, 2017

Exposes 

Exposed the media and expectations 

And how the media made me believe I wasn’t good enough 

So what do you do when people make me want to believe I’m the help 

I feel like I would never be accepted 

I don’t match

I don’t match 

I don’t match 

I try to be intentional about what I buy so I match

I don’t match

I don’t match

I don’t match 

He’s not going to always be around me

He can’t cover me with intentionality to stop humans from breaking me

Others can have no money and still look like a million bucks 

I’ll never be accepted as an image that should be loved 

Sometimes it doesn’t feel like protection 

Sometimes it feels like rejection 

God told him to move slow

And to not let go

I had to get on my flight 

I want him to win 

If he has to win without me then that’s okay 

I cannot walk through this slamming 

Humans slam me

He does a very good job with observing my curves 

I got comfortable with my curves 

He knows where I’m at 

He knows what I’m struggling with 

I feel like I’ve aged ten years 

I look forty or fifty because that’s how I feel

This is hard 

I still say yes 

I choose God in this 

When I get attacked it’s during truths God gives me

I need God to walk me

Through hair, skin and beauty 

I want to be toned

I want to be in a gym

I want to lose weight 

He needs to be healthier 

He has to because of his voice 

He might have stomach issues 

I could be wrong 

I’m just talking now

no need to hear me

He sees my pregnancies 

How my stomach becomes 

The fully belly wobbling 

He still says yes to all of this 

Birming…..him — March 19, 2017

Birming…..him

We get attacks through changes and breakthroughs 

We get attacks through the dismantling of gauging how things are appearing in our eyes 

We get attacked just because we chose to be obedient 

We get attacked just because we choose to let go of what we use to do

Changes create a segue to leap into things that just might scare you, but also prepares you for greater truth

Reach beyond what you think you can teach

Seek beyond what you think you can meet in Him only 

God can only change you, not even you yourself or your idols 

Not your dreams coming true can manage you 

God has to salvage before you can be made new

The Maker is the King of what is truly dreams come true 

Let’s make history he tells me, 

I can’t do it if I’m not suppose to, 

it has to be His will above you

Do you hear me? 

I said I choose God above you 

That means I’m here to sharpen you in choosing truth, 

not to lose

Fear more than consumes you, 

it gives you things to breed that leads to you losing what’s good and truth

Trust me, that’s only in God to do the seeking in

He’s ready, he chooses truth and you 

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