Attacks

It’s so hard for me to understand. 

I have a hard time understanding what I’m asking for.

That’s what bothers me.

It’s very frustrating. 

That’s why I want to give up.

In my core I just want God.

What is a leap of faith?

Where am I even leaping? 

What does it look like?

Does it mean I’m leaping every time I wake up?

Did I do this to myself?

Is it because I’m not sexually active?

If I have all these expectations, then Lord I lay them down. 

I don’t even know anymore. 

What are the right questions? 

What am I waiting to listen for?

How do I know what I’m listening to?

I’m not doing enough. 

I don’t know what enough is.

I feel like the weak link.

I’m not present. 

I don’t know what enough is.

I don’t know what present is.

I just want to be healthy.

I just want to do this walk. 

I want to be a bridge 

God’s Way.

I want to be a bridge 

to send the lost

to be found. 

God you’re saying I am found.

I don’t even know

what to say to that.

When I push to listen to God’s Voice, 

I don’t even know who I’m talking to.

I think what scares me, is the attacks and spiritual warfare.

In the Bible it says God’s still small voice.

But the attacks try to match.

That’s why I’m praying, and I don’t know if God’s healing and freeing me.

That’s why I sleep.

I want to sleep.

That’s why I don’t like communication, because I sound crazy. 

All I keep getting is I am free.

How am I free when I’m praying and I don’t know what You’re Saying to me?

How am I free when bondages trap me?

How am I free when I don’t know me?

I thought free was a magical lightbulb.

I don’t know anything. 

God show me how to be supernatural.

It’s easier to give up, and say I failed.

God, I’m sorry. 

I’m not taking enough leaps.

I’m trying to be still.

What do you do in stillness?

Where should I go read for stillness?

What books should I have opened?

I have questions and I don’t even know to ask them. 

I have a mouth that doesn’t know how to speak to God. 

I have eyes and I don’t know if I see God. 

I have a heart and I don’t know if it beats for God. 

I just want to give up.

I’m here as a Christian not knowing how to turn to God. 

I’m here as a Christian not knowing what I need from God. 

I’m here as a Christian not knowing how to be there, not knowing what to do, and not knowing what’s truth.

God you’re telling me I choose truth. 

How when I’m in this immeasurable amount of pain?

Am I choking in vain?

I don’t like what I wear.

I don’t like how I’m seen.

I’m a virgin that’s scared. 

What is my identity if God is for me?

What does that even mean?

I don’t know what to wear.

I believe I don’t know to be, because of my sexuality. 

I don’t want sex to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want him to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want Regina Ann* to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want brother to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer.

I think I need mental help. 

I’m always crying about something. 

I pray one day 

I can hear you clearly God, if you choose to. 

The enemy fools me to believe lies.

I get attacked about Regina Ann and brother all the time.

I’m very disturbed about attacks, they make me so fearful. 

I choose truth no matter how hard it is to do.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons

Advertisements

2 Comments Add yours

  1. I’m so proud of your courage in walking in your yes. I’m so proud of your determination to be transparently sincere in your realism to match God’s faithfulness. I’m so thankful that God created such a masterpiece to be the catalyst to so many faces that need this voice. Wynee you are beautiful from the crown of your head to the tip of your quick feet. God is imprinted all over your existence. I’m humbled I get to call you best friend and I’m so excited to see where God is about to take you and me. I love you. Saying this is beautiful wouldn’t put the imagery to justice. Keep shining radiant diamond. ❤

    1. Love you 😘😘😘😘😍😍😍😍💋💋🤣🤣💋❤❤❤🤗🤗💗💗💗💞

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s