Wyn's Playlist

© Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com, 2014-2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Shelter — April 25, 2017

Shelter

4/17/17

God please move her. Please move Regina Ann* out of this. Father God, what can I do or say? Father God, please move her and pull her out. I am trying to hear from you Lord and just wanting to know what to do for her or how can I assist? God what job are we suppose to get? I keep receiving TriBeCa but how true is it? Is that something that I’m projecting, if it is then I surrender it. I surrender all things. Father God, I just want to know what to do next. Father God please move my sister. Please move her out and pull her out. I keep receiving that she is not going with them, now I’m getting she is. God I just want your truths about all things. Father God. What am I to do? What am I to say? I’m offering my heart and my life, just please pull Regina Ann out, please God. I have some layer of peace and I don’t know why? But I choose to trust and cling to it.

 
God when I ask you about going to a shelter, you said she’s not, now I’m getting she is? Which one is it? What is the true? What is even true about all of this. And then hearing about those dudes. I don’t care if they are real or not. Please free my sister God. Please move her. Please pull her out and just move her. Please God. Please God. I don’t know what else to say. If you want me to stop thinking about that man or even anything else then I lay it down. I lay Regina Ann down, I lay the other man down but just pull her out of this God. Please pull her out. I even lay myself down God, please pull her out. 

Lord I lay down all the selfish ambitions that I may have. I just choose to trust you. Show me how to no longer live in fear. Show me how to no longer just walk through the fear that my father and mother have played on me. Father God show me how to leave it all behind. I am trusting you and leaping and truly leaving it all behind. Father God, I say yes to you and I submit to your ways. I understand that I have severe control issues that I choose to let go of, because it is just hindering me and blocking me from truly hearing from you. Father God, I pray that you see this prayer as I declare to no longer cling to what I know. To no longer trust that money is the answer because it’s not. To no longer trust that living with my parents is the answer because it is not. Father God, I come to you in trusting you on what is next. Father God, you lead me and I will follow. I just say yes God, no matter what happens, I just say yes. I trust you. Amen 

I can’t do anything for her. I can’t be there. My hero complex is dismantled. There’s no saving a life for me when God hasn’t set me up to do so. I can’t save her. The god complex that I was carrying is dying through Regina Ann walking through what she is. Does it hurt enough for me God? Because I’m still crippled by fear. I’m still giving the enemy access, and full range to hinder me the way that I’m allowing him to with my fears. 

I gave advice that was said in fear and panic, “stash your phone inside of you”. God my fear is related to not having trust in you. I’m even fearful of my parents still, and how to still be there for Regina Ann. I’m like a little girl around them trying to hide my business and keep secrets. I’m so tormented because I’m feeding the wrong things. I need to choose freedom. I pray that I am. I understand that my fear for my parents causes me to remain childlike, and not be able to be present or mature in difficult situations. The thinking of “what will my parents say?” is what grips me so well God. I need you. I don’t know what else to say or do. Because being this fearful hinders me from being able to lead in any capacity, but also how am I suppose to be there for that man? I can’t be. I’m not there. And that’s the cold hearted reality. Father God, only you know when it will hurt enough for me to let go of this fear, that I’ve danced with for so long. The song has stopped, but I’m still on the dance floor. It’s just wrong and God I pray it stops. 

At 1:45 am, God you have my sister as we said goodnight.  

4/18/17

Waking up realizing that I’ve been living in my own homeless shelter. I’ve been living with parents who are clocking the next time that I ‘make it big’ to help them. The set up is communal when still enough to notice, and see how my parents gave up on the upkeep of their house years ago. Now it’s just about what do I do next God? What now for real?

I’ve been abused since a toddler. My mother recalls always how I was burned and afflicted by a babysitter. She always tells the story, but for some reason today that same story did something to my heart. That same story I surrender and give to you, and I pray for my mother to have peace with those early childhood moments in my life. I pray for my peace as well God. I pray to no longer carry those burdens around. The fear may have started since then, and full fledge manifested until now but I have to leave those instances in the past. 

4/19/17

A lot has happened in over a month God. A lot continues to develop. It’s 3am and I’m just walking through this time praising you, and choosing love and leaping into your arms with the unknown. Father God, the way that fear grips and controls us is like a vomit skin that is being worn around, and if one were to take a step back and observe oneself. I’ve seen it for myself. I was wearing that vomit rug or skin. Thank you God for pulling it off me. Thank you God for showing me that your love is truth. Thank you God. You saved me, and then sings my soul. 

No longer am I looking at the choices to my left or right or in my head, but I need you Father. I need you voice. 

4/21/17

Father God, I let go of all the broken and toxic upbringing of my parents. I can’t carry their broken burdens any longer. Father God, i let them all go, even my sister. Father God I come to you just wanting you to move me from my current temp address. This house is not a home, its truly is Haitian shelter. I can’t be here any longer God. Please remove me and Regina Ann out from our current spaces. 

4/22/17

The mind games that I play have resumed themselves. I’ve taken pleasure in the dysfunction and chaos between Regina Ann and I because I believe that it’s healthy. It’s healthy to have the constant up and down because then there’s love. If there’s this constant mess then I will see God clean It up my way-meaning I control the outcome. The truth is I wasn’t interested in being better or healthier, I was more focused on the vomit and clinging to what I know. Because through what I know I can see the outcome, there’s no leap or free falling. But then again, Abba, I’m here in the space of it hurting enough. It hurts enough to say that I can no longer be this way. It hurts enough to choose you over my weeds and brokenness of comfort. You began to open up my eyes to see that there is more, when I truly let go of the door that you’re closing to open the new one with more that ever before. I push to be more sensitive to the spirit than ever before. I have to seek you, and when I do my eyes see your truth. I can’t go back to before, it hurts enough to want healthy and godly above all.

*denote name change for privacy purposes. 

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Assurance  — April 16, 2017

Assurance 

I don’t know what I want. 

I just want God’s truths about me.

I want truth about this place that I’m in. 

The words that were repeated 

for the 99th time don’t hurt enough. 

The words that are express don’t

trigger the back against the wall.

The words don’t trigger being a fighter.

The words don’t trigger no longer wanting 

to delay the blessings that 

He wants to place on upon me.

The words that were repeated don’t hurt me.

I can’t feel, because I don’t want feelings. 

I reap a feeling that nothing will be enough.

I need reassurance that i will only find in God.

Humans no longer participate in my assurance.

I don’t push myself to go to God first.

Because I don’t have to face what’s inside.

The brokenness that blinds sight.

The wild one that doesn’t want taming.

The lost one thinking rebelling is popular.

I don’t want to leap to the unseen 

because that means I’m free.

I am not mentally healthy. 

I feed sagas and dramas.

I made a decision by omission. 

I need the peace that Jesus brings.

I thought my idols were my identity.

I pray it hurts enough now.

I pray it was the back against the wall 

that will cause the fighter in her to swing out. 

I pray that these weeds hurt enough.

I’m holding back my yes that the world needs.

The attacks come when the beauty 

in my eyes decides to take a leap. 

The enemy hates the clawing that 

I am willing to take to be free.

Did I forget how to fight?

Or do I want to fight for what’s blinding me?

What’s my strife? 

Where’s my healer?  

I need my healer.

I need my beliefs to be aligned 

to the Heavenly Kingdom not the world. 

I declare for that I am chasing after you 

no matter how foolish I look.

And lead us not into temptation, 

but deliver us from evil: 

For thine is the kingdom, 

and the power, and the glory, 

for ever. Amen.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:13‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Comments  — April 15, 2017

Comments 

April 12, 2017

Sensitivity to your voice along with aggressiveness habits conflict with each other father God. They also are affecting my relationship with you. I pray that I can truly learn from this moment, and just be more sensitive to your spirit. I pray that it’s starting to hurt enough. I’m afraid to get excited about stuff, because I usually find out later that I wasn’t spot on, or I was not truly following along or being sensitive to what you were wanting to communicate to me. 

I truly am just trying to understand what you’re telling me God, and I get so aggressive with it, because I am finally going to be spot on with what God is telling me, and then here comes the very moment where I’m finding out that I was off. I become so easily and quickly hurt, and discouraged because I am like God, why is this my struggle? What am I doing to create this mess? I then quickly go back to the commentary that was made “God is not a God of confusion,” from pursuit 93 that disappeared suddenly. That was an accurate comment from her attempt to attack me. Her “sweetie” comment truly bothered me, and I wanted to reply to her. But that would have lead to a back and forth. Me not engaging in the reply doesn’t remove the sting, or make me not think that this person has some valid points. 

I’m so aggressive in wanting to hear accurately from you and instead I’m falling apart. Father God, I am truly struggling. I run to spend alone time with you to hear your voice and mediate on the word. But I am struggling. I truly need your covering as you show me, and just reveal to me my mistakes. I am tired of correction because I am tired of my imperfections coming out like a misinformed disgrace, instead I want the praise. I am tired of how my aggression leads to nothing of any progressive momentum. Father God, I lost today, will there ever be any wins? I clutch to my chest when I get one thing right, and I know it was all you. It’s real for me as you can see God the wanting to be more open and unguarded with correction and discipline. I am willing to leap to the unknowns that can shape me, and show me the discipline that I need to be sensitive to your spirit and authority. 

It’s funny how this morning there was a conversation with Regina Ann* about “cultural perfectionism”. Growing up with the biological inheritance of perfectionism that must occur even with the very relationship that I have with God. It was the “I must be on point with everything, especially all things that are coming from God”. When the person commented the way that she did, it seemed that it made me think God why am I not getting this area perfect? I don’t understand why this is a persistent battle in our relationship God? I’m so through with this battle, and how it’s starting to feel. 

God it’s truly challenging to remain faithful, when moments occurring of attacks appear out of nowhere as they do, but as I push to trust and come to you even with this bothersome that I’m feeling, I pray for the growth mindset to understand that this walk is a journey that truly has a resolve with every stride. This walk has to keep the focus mainly on you, not my left or right. My walk is uniquely intricate to the ripples of your fingerprints, and touches in every detail. Even with the commentary reply that was made, it had your touches to be used to strengthen, grow me, and draw me closer to you. 

Father God, as I am constantly pushing myself to grow with you in my writing, I pray for the continuing growth in being vulnerable in my writing/journaling with you, in this new season of my life. I pray that my aggressiveness to hear you more and without doubt comes with love, because you do call us to have a relentless pursuit to you. Father God, I thank you for the commenter, and I pray for her heart as she also learns that you are God and you are working on her individually designed for her walk with you, as you are doing so with all of your chosen and called. 

Father God, as I continue to grow in you, I pray for the confidence to trust you more than what my eyes feel like they need to see, or what I feel I should personally be doing. I pray for the continuous peace that comes with being obedient to you, despite what others don’t believe to be true. No matter what you will always catch me, and I choose to trust what brings continuous freedom in you then any other ways. I love you Father, Amen.

Jacked Up — April 14, 2017

Jacked Up

I’m so jacked up

when we left 

It’s getting harder

then God uses 

the distance to pull out weeds

Regina Ann* now admits 

her lies inside

no wonder she’s not with him

he wanted to sex her up

right in front of everybody 

and then God made us leave 

I’m not even with her like that 

and she can no longer lie or hide

It’s getting harder 

there’s a yearning in all of us

I’m so jacked up

to be in his proximity 

and now he’s away from me

God made us leave 

I’m so jacked up

Regina Ann’s jacked up

there’s a yearning in all of us

we all want that soulmate love 

maybe that’s why he wants

to give it all up

I could be wrong God 

I just want truth God 

God telling me he loves me

comes off like a manipulation 

I cannot do this 

His struggle to be upfront

He wants me to regret that day

but I had to walk away 

When God showed him

I was going to do that 

Brother only did to Regina Ann 

what she outwardly showed 

He knew this would come out 

He didn’t want me to know 

I don’t know what’s going on anymore 

I just know Jesus died over 2,000 years ago

I can’t leave him 

I’m too emotionally evolved 

You cannot leave 

What God placed in my heart 

I walked away that day because 

he made me feel like an embarrassment 

He triggers all men and boys 

wanting me in secret 

He triggers my catholic school days

By wanting me privately not publicly 

He has the nerve to try and pet me

before the rug gets pulled from underneath me

I walked away from the Wynee not trying to give herself more than where she is

The moment I walked away I got three jobs

Maybe that’s what pisses him off

that I wanted more and I wanted better

When a man wants you he’s intentional

he wasn’t intentional, I wasn’t what 

you wanted or needed that’s fine.

God is an intentional God 

So men will be intentional when they want you

It’s not about me walking away 

It’s about me wanting better than him

He gets work published and cash

What do I have? Poetry?

What’s that going to do for me?

I didn’t want to feel 

like a public embarrassment 

He needs to stop sweeping things underneath the rug

and take the trash out 

Not pay someone 

to throw out your trash, throw it yourself 

If you really want to be intentional

What he’s doing is crumbs 

I want more than crumbs

I sound like a girl 

heartbroken over a guy 

that never wanted to be with her 

I’m not it

A crush that’s gone too far

That’s why I don’t want to talk about him

That’s why I don’t want to write about him

I don’t understand why I have to write about him

April 12, 2015 was a girl crush

He won

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Bitterness  — April 13, 2017

Bitterness 

Been advocating for myself since eleven years old, and I got blocked 

That’s my problem

all three of them 

are ahead and see what I can’t yet 

that’s my problem

I don’t know 

where I will be next month

so I need to stock up

pursuit93 commentaries 

bothered me deeply

everyone saw this

and she’s the only one that said what others didn’t 

she’s in her sin 

and able to have 

sustainable income

just wanted a secret space

want to cook for Wynee

want to travel for Wynee

sit and look out a window

this one thing in my life

very minimal accomplishments 

that’s why I’m so competitive 

what’s my accomplishments

like doing math well

that I can’t even prove

that I know how to do

that’s a real situation 

to be twenty-nine and feel like I don’t have 

no accomplishments 

I can’t give my daughters dating advice

I can’t give my daughters any advice 

I can’t give my son dating advice

In the future when they ask

I say it didn’t work out that way for me 

I have an expectation on everything 

I have a look on everything 

That’s why I’m competitive 

People come for me and not for others

pursuit93 must have a lot of time on of her hands

God used her brokenness

to make me dig deep on where I’m really at

brother wanted to be with a young looking girl

that looks twice as old as him

that broken community can stay over there

I’ll never call them when I have a problem 

be the midnight community 

brother wanted that so be that then 

don’t get mad when you see you’re trapped

you’re security

when there’s no one to secure

there was no role for you to keep you 

they made that

who are you really securing?

Who are you securing in a trench coat ?

I don’t care about that deep ignorance 

that midnight building invests in people to expect a return in that investment 

there’s no pure motives 

we will never cross paths

thank God

security for what? 

you’re not real security 

if you’re showing up where ever you feel like it 

this is preference and favoritism 

because of looks

she wanted that man

she got him

aging on the inside 

looking twice her age 

not listening to God 

got her so far 

good for her 

and where she is: alone 

he knows big words 

for no reason 

married someone 

he didn’t know blindly 

God allowed him to be

fiscally successful but

completely blocked me

Bitterness in my tone hinders me, 

so I must come to God 

to be free. 

Misunderstood  — April 12, 2017

Misunderstood 

So where is He?

The Bible says 

He is our Father

so where is He?

People say 

I’m aggressive 

No honey,

I just want to 

hear from God.

Others hear from God.

People know 

the voice of God

yet nitpick and reject 

what He commands.

I’m just trying 

to hear and understand.

Why was she 

so mean to me?

People come for me

and attack me 

with words that hurt.

God says she

had to know her truths.

I don’t understand 

King James Version.

I thought I was

supposed to keep ESV.

But hearing Regina Ann*

prayed and was lead 

to give her ESV 

to her brother, and he cried.

It makes me wonder 

was I wrong and if I lied.

God says ESV is mine to keep.

Why am I being still?

God you don’t speak

in this silence 

and all I do is sleep.

I’m trying to hear you.

Maybe I’m on 

the wrong channel.

She was right to write

God is not a God of confusion.

God says she has to be revealed 

her decisions that were concealed.

God I just want to know you. 

God all you’re clear on

is that man that couldn’t answer.

God says he can’t.

I just want to know you God.

That’s why I look 

for things to do.

Stillness is so hard.

Regina Ann said 

fight to be happy.

How? What is happy?

God is so unclear.

That’s how it feels.

God is not a God 

of confusion. 

She was mean, but right.

God says she had 

to know her truths.

God says I did 

what I had to do. 

I’m just fighting 

to do the right thing.

God says I know His Voice

with certainty and He will

become clearer and clearer.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

It’s so hard 

to understand God. 

Midnight Power — April 11, 2017

Midnight Power

In awe of who you are

The midnight hour 

is your power. 

The grace you show thee 

is beyond worthy 

You are an awesome God

Shaken because the rocks 

and stone within me 

are disrupted to 

radiate your praise

I'm emitted with 

your smitten of your glory. 

I'm in awe of your glory 

I'm in awe of your glory 

Tears are dripping 

because of the power of your name 

I'm shaken because 

of the power of your glory 

I'm smitten because of 

how much you love me 

It's not about the possessions, 

but about what 

you're repossessing our hearts

Take back what's yours Lord

It was always yours faithfully

So hear I stand in awe of your glory 

I'm just smitten by my King, who radiates the emission

of His glory

Freedom reigns 

The Crown remains 

to the King of Glory

Praise His Name. Amen 

God Says  —

God Says 

It feels like everyone knows 

the voice of God but me

God says Be Free

I’m free regardless 

what comes to me

Unsure what’s to be 

God says let it all go

Did I create this connection 

so I’m no longer alone

I feel stranded by setbacks

It’s constant attacks 

Everyone freely makes mistakes 

but Wynee has to feel less than 

God says I didn’t know 

the seamless didn’t mean a calling

I wrestle with finances my way 

God says it’s not my calling 

God says she twisted her own words

God says she’s broken 

God says she wanted misery 

and company to be a theft 

God says she wanted me to

come for ribcage’s pockets 

I just want to be cheap 

so ribcage doesn’t spend money on me

Brother knows she’s cheap

because she wants to creep 

She doesn’t want me to be free

She doesn’t want me to thrive

She doesn’t want me to be alive 

in Jesus Christ 

It’s going to be a new wave: 

come as you are 

It’s a huge culture shock 

going from Sunday’s best 

to come as you are

Sunday best is with ribcage 

because he needs it

God says ribcage misses 

my Sunday’s best 

Ribcage misses seeing me

on Sunday’s period 

I need you God

I just need you

to help me understand 

I choose to walk through this 

Faithful — April 8, 2017

Faithful

He’s not right here 

He’s home with a church, with support, and his family

It’s just me and Regina Ann* foolishly on the phone, and ready to read the word

Am I not meek enough?

What virtue do I not possess?

Where I’m missing out on my blessings?

Her earthly father set her up

That’s why she’s not bowing down to her Heavenly Father 

That’s why I can’t be no entrepreneur 

I had debt galore,

I’m tired of all of them 

Get to be in their sin

Get to be winning 

Where’s my hand out

I need it

I’m tired of these women; females aren’t about seeing me successful 

I shouldn’t amount to anything is their attitude towards this 

They can have him

I should’ve never gone to Alabama cause of my expenses

Sending the message, messed me up 

I’m here on my bed, on the phone, about to read the word 

Because I choose to be a devoted Christian 

Regina Ann just wants to be in a situation where she doesn’t have smoke in her lungs, and her clothes don’t smell like smoke

How are you faithful?

She just got healthy 

Then you brought her brother back?

How are you faithful?

You are a Savior 

That isn’t helping me 

How is her plan not working if the son is back?

You block her from being healthy, and blocked me from saving 

How are you faithful?

He doesn’t have my problems 

He’s embarrassed he almost backslide, but he still would’ve bounced back

How are you faithful?

When the faithless win in sin?

They all have opening 

Every single one of them have opening 

And you want to close doors on me?

I’m laying down on this bed

Living for who? 

I’m just tired of here 

I’m tired of here 

I’m tired of hearing about man that has options, and opportunities, and the other one has a game system he can escape to, and a wife that has a family to be blind to how she got pawned off 

She’ll never be able to say

She doesn’t have work

She has options 

I don’t feel bad for the skinny one

She didn’t want to fight 

She easily gave up and let her man slide

Can you honestly say you tried?

The skinny one wanted it to be easy

She can never work for anywhere, but she’s a church that she’s trapped in

I want rapture to come 

Jesus asks “where you living for Me?” 

I was trying to 

But you pulled me out of my job 

You got me out here 

In these streets with no job

I will go back and forth 

with Jesus, I’m ready 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

One hundred sixty four  —

One hundred sixty four 

It's so hard to trust you right now

I feel like you let me down God 

I feel like you continuously just disturbed me

Why do I have to be open to a man that doesn't have my problems 

That man will always have an opening 

But Wynee had to fend 

I want more than where I'm at 

I hate this season 

It's always by October when my life picks up

It's April and you're telling me to be still?

I can't do that 

I can't do that

You just blocked my plan

You had me working at a place 

Getting paid less than sustainable wage

You put it in her heart to pay me that 

And you're telling me not to save?

Talking about its flesh 

Talking about my heart needs cleaning 

Where's my heart when I'm not working?

Where's my heart when you made me buy things that I didn't need. 

One hundred and sixty four dollars spent on items I don't need 

I could've put it in a CD

I could've gotten stocks 

I don't need the crap you made me buy 

I need more than where I was

I need more than where I am

I need more than 

A bible that I can barely comprehend

A bible that I put colors in

And you're telling me that man sees my creativity, what does that do for me?

Regina Ann* always covers him 

He needs to cover himself 

Got chicks showing off empire-type roof tops

I wish I could work there 

I can finally have insurance 

I have to fix my ears 

I have to fix my teeth

I have to fix my sight

That's what bothers me

These chicks are selfish 

They don't want anyone to be ahead, that's what bothers me

That's why I'm competing 

For all the girls that struggle 

Just to get a break 

And not to depend on a man 

I just wanted to make sure I didn't come to him with nothing 

As a black woman education is so important 

Where you go to school does matter

And God you blocked me from knowing out of state colleges 

You babel me from knowing this

People told me good luck finding a job 

That's why it feels like I settled to that sales job 

You used everything for your glory

That's where I met Regina Ann

It took me forever to get promoted 

My promotion was half way shady

that's why I fight for integrity 

I'm tired of shady 

I don't want anyone to come for me 

I'm not lazy 

Being at home triggers my PTSD

I feel worthless here 

I don't like being here 

Having a job no matter what it is, is better than nothing 

At least I'll have a dollar 

Something is better than nothing 

One hundred and sixty four dollars 

wasted, on a bible I don't need 

That's how I feel

I'll never get that money back 

Whatever I'm just over all of this 

(* denotes that name changes are for privacy reasons)

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