Jacked Up

I’m so jacked up,

when we left.

It’s getting harder,

then God uses

the distance to pull out weeds

Regina Ann* now admits

her lies inside.

no wonder she’s not with him.

he wanted to sex her up

right in front of everybody,

and then God made us leave

I’m not even with her like that,

and she can no longer lie or hide.

It’s getting harder.

there’s a yearning in all of us.

I’m so jacked up

to be in his proximity,

and now he’s away from me.

God made us leave.

I’m so jacked up.

Regina Ann’s jacked up.

there’s a yearning in all of us.

we all want that soulmate love.

maybe that’s why he wants

to give it all up.

I could be wrong God.

I just want truth God.

God’s telling me he loves me

comes off like a manipulation.

I cannot do this.

His struggle to be upfront.

He wants me to regret that day,

but I had to walk away.

When God showed him

I was going to do that.

Brother only did to Regina Ann

what she outwardly showed.

He knew this would come out.

He didn’t want me to know.

I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

I just know Jesus died over 2,000 years ago.

I can’t leave him.

I’m too emotionally evolved.

You cannot leave.

What God placed in my heart

I walked away that day, because

he made me feel like an embarrassment.

He triggers all men and boys

wanting me in secret.

He triggers my catholic school days,

by wanting me privately not publicly.

He has the nerve to try and pet me

before the rug gets pulled from underneath me.

I walked away from the Wynee not trying to

give herself more than where she is.

The moment I walked away I got three jobs.

Maybe that’s what pisses him off,

that I wanted more and I wanted better.

When a man wants you he’s intentional

he wasn’t intentional, I wasn’t what

you wanted or needed that’s fine.

God is an intentional God.

So men will be intentional when they want you.

It’s not about me walking away,

it’s about me wanting better than him.

He gets work published and cash.

What do I have? Poetry?

What’s that going to do for me?

I didn’t want to feel

like a public embarrassment.

He needs to stop sweeping

things underneath the rug,

and take the trash out.

Not pay someone

to throw out your trash,

throw it yourself

if you really want to be intentional.

What he’s doing is crumbs.

I want more than crumbs.

I sound like a girl

heartbroken over a guy

that never wanted to be with her.

I’m not it.

A crush that’s gone too far.

That’s why I don’t want to talk about him.

That’s why I don’t want to write about him.

I don’t understand why I have to write about him.

April 12, 2015 was a girl crush.

He won.

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)

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