April 12, 2017
Sensitivity to your voice along with aggressiveness habits conflict with each other father God. They also are affecting my relationship with you. I pray that I can truly learn from this moment, and just be more sensitive to your spirit. I pray that it’s starting to hurt enough. I’m afraid to get excited about stuff, because I usually find out later that I wasn’t spot on, or I was not truly following along or being sensitive to what you were wanting to communicate to me.
I truly am just trying to understand what you’re telling me God, and I get so aggressive with it, because I am finally going to be spot on with what God is telling me, and then here comes the very moment where I’m finding out that I was off. I become so easily and quickly hurt, and discouraged because I am like God, why is this my struggle? What am I doing to create this mess? I then quickly go back to the commentary that was made “God is not a God of confusion,” from pursuit 93 that disappeared suddenly. That was an accurate comment from her attempt to attack me. Her “sweetie” comment truly bothered me, and I wanted to reply to her. But that would have lead to a back and forth. Me not engaging in the reply doesn’t remove the sting, or make me not think that this person has some valid points.
I’m so aggressive in wanting to hear accurately from you and instead I’m falling apart. Father God, I am truly struggling. I run to spend alone time with you to hear your voice and mediate on the word. But I am struggling. I truly need your covering as you show me, and just reveal to me my mistakes. I am tired of correction because I am tired of my imperfections coming out like a misinformed disgrace, instead I want the praise. I am tired of how my aggression leads to nothing of any progressive momentum. Father God, I lost today, will there ever be any wins? I clutch to my chest when I get one thing right, and I know it was all you. It’s real for me as you can see God the wanting to be more open and unguarded with correction and discipline. I am willing to leap to the unknowns that can shape me, and show me the discipline that I need to be sensitive to your spirit and authority.
It’s funny how this morning there was a conversation with Regina Ann* about “cultural perfectionism”. Growing up with the biological inheritance of perfectionism that must occur even with the very relationship that I have with God. It was the “I must be on point with everything, especially all things that are coming from God”. When the person commented the way that she did, it seemed that it made me think God why am I not getting this area perfect? I don’t understand why this is a persistent battle in our relationship God? I’m so through with this battle, and how it’s starting to feel.
God it’s truly challenging to remain faithful, when moments occurring of attacks appear out of nowhere as they do, but as I push to trust and come to you even with this bothersome that I’m feeling, I pray for the growth mindset to understand that this walk is a journey that truly has a resolve with every stride. This walk has to keep the focus mainly on you, not my left or right. My walk is uniquely intricate to the ripples of your fingerprints, and touches in every detail. Even with the commentary reply that was made, it had your touches to be used to strengthen, grow me, and draw me closer to you.
Father God, as I am constantly pushing myself to grow with you in my writing, I pray for the continuing growth in being vulnerable in my writing/journaling with you, in this new season of my life. I pray that my aggressiveness to hear you more and without doubt comes with love, because you do call us to have a relentless pursuit to you. Father God, I thank you for the commenter, and I pray for her heart as she also learns that you are God and you are working on her individually designed for her walk with you, as you are doing so with all of your chosen and called.
Father God, as I continue to grow in you, I pray for the confidence to trust you more than what my eyes feel like they need to see, or what I feel I should personally be doing. I pray for the continuous peace that comes with being obedient to you, despite what others don’t believe to be true. No matter what you will always catch me, and I choose to trust what brings continuous freedom in you then any other ways. I love you Father, Amen.