Shelter

4/17/17

God please move her. Please move Regina Ann* out of this. Father God, what can I do or say? Father God, please move her and pull her out. I am trying to hear from you Lord and just wanting to know what to do for her or how can I assist? God what job are we suppose to get? I keep receiving TriBeCa but how true is it? Is that something that I’m projecting, if it is then I surrender it. I surrender all things. Father God, I just want to know what to do next. Father God please move my sister. Please move her out and pull her out. I keep receiving that she is not going with them, now I’m getting she is. God I just want your truths about all things. Father God. What am I to do? What am I to say? I’m offering my heart and my life, just please pull Regina Ann out, please God. I have some layer of peace and I don’t know why? But I choose to trust and cling to it.

 
God when I ask you about going to a shelter, you said she’s not, now I’m getting she is? Which one is it? What is the true? What is even true about all of this. And then hearing about those dudes. I don’t care if they are real or not. Please free my sister God. Please move her. Please pull her out and just move her. Please God. Please God. I don’t know what else to say. If you want me to stop thinking about that man or even anything else then I lay it down. I lay Regina Ann down, I lay the other man down but just pull her out of this God. Please pull her out. I even lay myself down God, please pull her out. 

Lord I lay down all the selfish ambitions that I may have. I just choose to trust you. Show me how to no longer live in fear. Show me how to no longer just walk through the fear that my father and mother have played on me. Father God show me how to leave it all behind. I am trusting you and leaping and truly leaving it all behind. Father God, I say yes to you and I submit to your ways. I understand that I have severe control issues that I choose to let go of, because it is just hindering me and blocking me from truly hearing from you. Father God, I pray that you see this prayer as I declare to no longer cling to what I know. To no longer trust that money is the answer because it’s not. To no longer trust that living with my parents is the answer because it is not. Father God, I come to you in trusting you on what is next. Father God, you lead me and I will follow. I just say yes God, no matter what happens, I just say yes. I trust you. Amen 

I can’t do anything for her. I can’t be there. My hero complex is dismantled. There’s no saving a life for me when God hasn’t set me up to do so. I can’t save her. The god complex that I was carrying is dying through Regina Ann walking through what she is. Does it hurt enough for me God? Because I’m still crippled by fear. I’m still giving the enemy access, and full range to hinder me the way that I’m allowing him to with my fears. 

I gave advice that was said in fear and panic, “stash your phone inside of you”. God my fear is related to not having trust in you. I’m even fearful of my parents still, and how to still be there for Regina Ann. I’m like a little girl around them trying to hide my business and keep secrets. I’m so tormented because I’m feeding the wrong things. I need to choose freedom. I pray that I am. I understand that my fear for my parents causes me to remain childlike, and not be able to be present or mature in difficult situations. The thinking of “what will my parents say?” is what grips me so well God. I need you. I don’t know what else to say or do. Because being this fearful hinders me from being able to lead in any capacity, but also how am I suppose to be there for that man? I can’t be. I’m not there. And that’s the cold hearted reality. Father God, only you know when it will hurt enough for me to let go of this fear, that I’ve danced with for so long. The song has stopped, but I’m still on the dance floor. It’s just wrong and God I pray it stops. 

At 1:45 am, God you have my sister as we said goodnight.  

4/18/17

Waking up realizing that I’ve been living in my own homeless shelter. I’ve been living with parents who are clocking the next time that I ‘make it big’ to help them. The set up is communal when still enough to notice, and see how my parents gave up on the upkeep of their house years ago. Now it’s just about what do I do next God? What now for real?

I’ve been abused since a toddler. My mother recalls always how I was burned and afflicted by a babysitter. She always tells the story, but for some reason today that same story did something to my heart. That same story I surrender and give to you, and I pray for my mother to have peace with those early childhood moments in my life. I pray for my peace as well God. I pray to no longer carry those burdens around. The fear may have started since then, and full fledge manifested until now but I have to leave those instances in the past. 

4/19/17

A lot has happened in over a month God. A lot continues to develop. It’s 3am and I’m just walking through this time praising you, and choosing love and leaping into your arms with the unknown. Father God, the way that fear grips and controls us is like a vomit skin that is being worn around, and if one were to take a step back and observe oneself. I’ve seen it for myself. I was wearing that vomit rug or skin. Thank you God for pulling it off me. Thank you God for showing me that your love is truth. Thank you God. You saved me, and then sings my soul. 

No longer am I looking at the choices to my left or right or in my head, but I need you Father. I need you voice. 

4/21/17

Father God, I let go of all the broken and toxic upbringing of my parents. I can’t carry their broken burdens any longer. Father God, i let them all go, even my sister. Father God I come to you just wanting you to move me from my current temp address. This house is not a home, its truly is Haitian shelter. I can’t be here any longer God. Please remove me and Regina Ann out from our current spaces. 

4/22/17

The mind games that I play have resumed themselves. I’ve taken pleasure in the dysfunction and chaos between Regina Ann and I because I believe that it’s healthy. It’s healthy to have the constant up and down because then there’s love. If there’s this constant mess then I will see God clean It up my way-meaning I control the outcome. The truth is I wasn’t interested in being better or healthier, I was more focused on the vomit and clinging to what I know. Because through what I know I can see the outcome, there’s no leap or free falling. But then again, Abba, I’m here in the space of it hurting enough. It hurts enough to say that I can no longer be this way. It hurts enough to choose you over my weeds and brokenness of comfort. You began to open up my eyes to see that there is more, when I truly let go of the door that you’re closing to open the new one with more that ever before. I push to be more sensitive to the spirit than ever before. I have to seek you, and when I do my eyes see your truth. I can’t go back to before, it hurts enough to want healthy and godly above all.

*denote name change for privacy purposes. 

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