Wyn's Playlist

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Bewildered — May 27, 2017

Bewildered

"Let it stand" was what I heard after seeking you about what should I do in regards to this season. I don't think I'm hearing you clearly when I'm getting that you won't open the door to employment for me. I find that to be unlike the characteristics of what I've just read in Psalms 21:5-6. You demonstrated through the verses that it is within your will to bless us. So I am asking "Let it stand" what was that for? 

I'm seeking you for your revealing on the message, was it even for me? But it was is what I'm receiving. I'm now getting "you will see". I've been seeing that I'm moving closer to the red. I've been backed up with my bills since the beginning of the year. I've been struggling to remain afloat. I've been crying out to you. I've been sick, and I've been so discourage. I'm posting up my bible studies, and just truly wanted to hear from your small still voice the loudest. Calling on you to drown out and cast out the other white noise in my head that was never of you. 

Am I growing in you? 

Am I evolving? 

Am I even fighting to stand apart? 

What am I even doing? 

Am I even obedient to who you are? 

Am I withholding nothing? 

What am I not doing God? 

Just what is it that I'm missing? 

And then I get 

"your doing it all just rewind me in the fall…" 

Like what is that? 

How did I become the one with the parable message? 

Where is the interference coming from? 

How can I not get frustrated? 

I'm coming to you praying, and aiming to include you in all the details of my life, and then I get a "let it stand" unclear moment with you. No one talks about this. No one mentions that they go through the points in their life where it's beyond unclear, but it's a space of unknowing, and I'm here like what is this? I feel like the child who is deaf, and her parents have not figured that out yet. It's real. I don't know what you have for me, and right now it just seems like I'm writing out how I feel and you don't care. I'm beyond frustration and angry. 

I'm hurt and just bewildered in what am I even doing right? 

Can you let me know, so that I can have direction while losing all control? 

Can you speak to me? 

Can you let me know what's going on? 

Do you even want the best for me? 

I begin to feed doubt, because of what I received. I just want you God. I just want you Abba in my life, in everything that I do. I just pray that I'm withholding nothing, and choosing Spirit and truth. I just pray that clinging to you no matter how hard the days are. I pray for a growth mindset, and to have the patience with you. It's hard when I feel as though things are not moving fast enough. It's hard when those around you are abundantly getting bless, and I'm like any day now right God? You're going to open that door. 

You're going to make that way, and part that Sea that I need you to part for me; and then here I still waiting on you. Still clinging to you. Asking you to please release me from this space that I am in. You know what you're doing God, often times it seems that the more I chase after you, the more you're stripping from me, which is why you do what you do. I'm just bewildered, and I just want your truths. 

Father God, what is even next for me as I try to fight off bitterness and jealousy? As I truly try to praise you in the storm. It's been real to fight off a bitter heart, and just fighting off not wanting to do my own stuff to neglect this walk. And sometimes it makes me think and feel that I'm not talking to the right people, or they don't want to understand my turmoil. Being a bridge to others is not what I wanted as a calling. I'm literally always watching people make it to the mountain with the help of a hand along the way, but I'm over here still trying to figure out how to climb. 

I don't think Regina Ann* understands that when she says that "she's being lead by the Spirit.." as a response to certain questions, can come off like hey I'm where I am with God and he's blessing me, because I'm hearing him clearly, so you have to figure out what path you're on. It comes off like she doesn't understand that I'm fighting. This is a sore spot for me, and I'm insecure in this place. Anything will make me very sensitive. We talked about it but it's still a sore spot for me. I'm in a round with God that I'm desperately climbing a mountain with every broken nail that I have. It's been real God. It's been real to walk through this particular road that I am on, and still proclaim your name. 

I'm actively here just inviting your presence in my life. When certain statements are made they often have me wonder like well what does this person see in me that they are not telling me? I begin to want to distance myself, because then there's no real knowing from you what is being told to whom. I become paranoid. It's been hard to trust you, when often times it feels like you don't have my back. I know that your word says that you do, but it feels like I'm a rabbit being dragged by a carrot that you're pulling the string attached to it. With this "let it stand" moment that occurred, only you know what's really of you since I'm probably not doing enough of anything. Regina Ann told me what she thinks of me. She thinks I'm brave. She thinks I'm so God fearing, and unapologetic in praising your name. She is thankful I'm her best-friend, and that we are doing this walk as sisters. She trusts me with her life. It's hard but I need to focus on the good more than the bad. I am fighting to cling to love in Jesus name, Amen.

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)

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Residency — May 15, 2017

Residency

Father God, as I come to you with the emotions that I have with me on this rainy day. I’m just fighting to cling to your truths. It’s hard being in this place that I am in with no job, no money or even an unlimited metro card to go anywhere. I have no current state ID, because the one on hand has expired since last year, and my passport is about to expire in literally twelve days. I am in this house that I am currently staying in fighting to cling to your truths, and not consider myself a nobody. 

I am stung by the fact your stillness is where my domain is called to be, it feels more and more like a permanent residency. It feels less and less of a temporary season of my life. It’s becoming harder to believe that this is temporary, that all of this shall pass. It’s least likely for me is how things are starting to seem, believe, and feel. I do comprehend intellectually that feelings are deceitful. The well-known verse from Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts, because everything that we do flows from it. I just want to hit that tapped out red button that makes this stop, because I have walked through what I needed to. 

This stillness season that I am in feels so overly dragged out. I just want a change. Those who have walked in similar shoes can only share words of encouragement and wisdom. Stating “God is in this, and clinging to him is the only option,” but I come to you father God as to why this option is it? Why this option is the sole one that I need to walk through in order to receive my blessings that you have for me? It’s really hard Abba being here, and feeling stranded in this house that I am in. 

May 5th was the last day of my passport I thought I had sometime to renew, but the money kept coming up short or had to go elsewhere for something that needed to get immediately paid. It’s truly something that was coming out from my grasp. My current season seem so unavoidable, and like I have to walk through something that I truly wanted to avoid. Stillness is more than hard, it’s slightly petrifying that I’m where I am at the moment. I fight to not battle to look to my right, or my left as I have to push my way to lean on you. I look up to you. Father God, stillness is truly a pruning process that not only reveals truths, but pushes us to go to you in the agony that we are in. In this moment of stillness that I am in with you, I have been writing to you even more often then before. 

My prayer life has changed where I am pushing to fight the battles on my knees actively. The stillness is changing me. The stillness is shaping me to truly be who you are calling me to be. It’s real the stillness, there are things coming out that I’ve ran from seeing and knowing, but know I’ve hit the brick wall that you God have known would come, and I have to decide on what do I choose: the cling to the dead end or trust you with how this all looks. I cling to you, and allow you to lead me. It’s real stillness, partially because as an adult there’s a stubbornness that kicks in in the thinking that things need to happen in a certain way or by a certain time. 

The performance treadmill that immediately happens to avoid stillness occurs, because of the mislead feeling that “I am not enough because of…..” which are all lies. I was one who thought that certain external items or factors that I was in creates the facade that there’s no need to dig deep. That there’s no need for me to see the underlying issues that I didn’t want to resolve from. Stillness does a lot, because God is a God who gets a lot done. It brings to the stage and forefront that God is in control, and he has the final say. Saying and declaring that “I surrender” means you ➡️ God ➡️has full authority over everything. Stillness does it all. 

Day by day I am a walking testament of not being who I use to be all through this stillness that you have me in. Father God, as I reflect on where I am currently with you it’s truly hard, but I’m in awe of what you are continuing to do in me. I recently made the decision to not seek my parents for monetary help, which I believe it was something that you were seeking for me to do. To be in total dependence of you. It’s hard to keep the faith when all seems to be taken away from me. Receiving emails about needing to pay certain accounts is real. I have a phone bill that by the beginning of next months might be turned off. That’s harsh to experience and still believe to have faith in you. 

It seems that hardships are coming down hard in a way that’s absurd to me, because who would believe me when you’re telling me not to work. It’s hard to seek you through this pause of being still. And not get caught up in replacing what humans said over what you are. I too question was it from you that I’ve received this? I just come to you wanting to bring this all to an end. I don’t know what else to say or express or surrender. 

Regina Ann* said to me, maybe it’s not about what I need to do, but about your perfect timing because you are God. This is not a matter of confusion because there is none. This is about the stillness of my life that I thought I could have avoided. This is about the wounds that you are healing, and the scars that are now receiving a song of overcoming. You are God. There’s no denying that, and there’s no mistaken your authority over my life. Stillness brings fears to the surface, and my fears are in a wrestling match with you God. My fears are in the ring in a first round knockout. Stillness causes me to turn to Jesus. Stillness is the unavoidable answer. Stillness is the way to this space and freedom. Stillness is leading to me closer to Your Name. Amen.

(* denotes name change for respect of privacy)

Shortcuts  — May 5, 2017

Shortcuts 

5/3/17

Father God, I come to you with thanksgiving on what this moment, and time of stillness that I am in. I come to you with gratitude and love for what you are doing in me. Father God, last night as I walked through a realization that lead to the surrendering of being controlling, possessive, and exhibiting the ways identical to my mother. Father God as you continue to use this moment of stillness to open my eyes, I thank you Abba for loving me so much that you no longer are wanting me to take my broken inhaled ways to the new blessings that you are blooming my way. 

Father God, as I continue to choose stillness and losing control you’ve open my eyes. God you opened my ears to see, and hear some harsh truths that are within me. I see the spotty mold that I was carrying around and feeding. I no longer want to control anything, because it does not allow for me to be open to full surrender, which gives you the full openness and access to work in us. I must give you room to fill me up, renewing, restoring, and rebuilding me. It is openness to your biblical and Godly foundations. It is openness to your ways, and walking in your infinite wisdom and grace that you Father God have for my life. It is in the openness I can release the broken ways and mindsets that I’ve carried for so long. 

Release the clinging of my father, mother and the release of needing their approval and love. The release of letting them all go, and trusting you with how you are moving me on from them. Trust in your full fledge faith walking through the mental attacks that I’ve created short cuts on how to avoid them, which was what created the shortcuts that I’ve tried to master but failed. Father God, how I’ve tried it with the broken roots and foundations in short cuts that I have mistakenly thought I could have taken with me on this walk with you. 

You’ve cut out on that weeds every single time, then last night and earlier this morning you’ve pluck out the stubs. I’ve enable a broken ideology for so long that it has created the floodgates for other wrong and broken methods for myself. These shortcuts will always cause more problems than good. I see you are truly doing the work in me, as I fight to remain obedient in this stillness that you have for me. There needs to be stillness in the Godly cooperation of allowing you to move and make a way out of things. To make a way with all avenues. 

As I am drawing closer to you Abba, and sense the presence of your spirit amongst me, I must make that active fight to remain in the spirit, and to choose the spirit over my flesh. I must fight to make the active choice on no longer settling for shortcuts or disengagement through indifference. I made the attacks bigger than you, and the shortcuts were a scapegoat that lead to giving the enemy more power and control. I lay down and surrender my shortcut ways Abba, because you are bigger, hence in how you have stilled me to move me in your ways and path. I come to you laying down the spirit of looking back to believing that I have to aim at proving a point towards those that I had struggle to bond with. 

Father God I am continuingly seeking you, and not needing to prove anything to anyone or prove that I am not where I used to be. You have showed me that I already have the victory because the victory is in you Jesus. I thank you for how you walk with me to see truths, open eyes, and I surrender it all so that I can no longer remain the same. Father God I thank you for I am no longer seeking affection from others when I have full affection and adoration from you. I thank you that I am no longer under the wrong and broken molding of my mother or my family. I thank you father God for freeing me from whatever trap I was going to fall into. Thank you for changing me. I thank you for the dark storms, and the joys in the morning (Psalm 30:5). I thank you for it all Abba, in stillness I remain until you move me in Jesus name, Amen. 

“The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.” Exodus 14:14 KJV

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