Father God, as I come to you with the emotions that I have with me on this rainy day. I’m just fighting to cling to your truths. It’s hard being in this place that I am in with no job, no money or even an unlimited metro card to go anywhere. I have no current state ID, because the one on hand has expired since last year, and my passport is about to expire in literally twelve days. I am in this house that I am currently staying in fighting to cling to your truths, and not consider myself a nobody.
I am stung by the fact your stillness is where my domain is called to be, it feels more and more like a permanent residency. It feels less and less of a temporary season of my life. It’s becoming harder to believe that this is temporary, that all of this shall pass. It’s least likely for me is how things are starting to seem, believe, and feel. I do comprehend intellectually that feelings are deceitful. The well-known verse from Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts, because everything that we do flows from it. I just want to hit that tapped out red button that makes this stop, because I have walked through what I needed to.
This stillness season that I am in feels so overly dragged out. I just want a change. Those who have walked in similar shoes can only share words of encouragement and wisdom. Stating “God is in this, and clinging to him is the only option,” but I come to you father God as to why this option is it? Why this option is the sole one that I need to walk through in order to receive my blessings that you have for me? It’s really hard Abba being here, and feeling stranded in this house that I am in.
May 5th was the last day of my passport I thought I had sometime to renew, but the money kept coming up short or had to go elsewhere for something that needed to get immediately paid. It’s truly something that was coming out from my grasp. My current season seem so unavoidable, and like I have to walk through something that I truly wanted to avoid. Stillness is more than hard, it’s slightly petrifying that I’m where I am at the moment. I fight to not battle to look to my right, or my left as I have to push my way to lean on you. I look up to you. Father God, stillness is truly a pruning process that not only reveals truths, but pushes us to go to you in the agony that we are in. In this moment of stillness that I am in with you, I have been writing to you even more often then before.
My prayer life has changed where I am pushing to fight the battles on my knees actively. The stillness is changing me. The stillness is shaping me to truly be who you are calling me to be. It’s real the stillness, there are things coming out that I’ve ran from seeing and knowing, but know I’ve hit the brick wall that you God have known would come, and I have to decide on what do I choose: the cling to the dead end or trust you with how this all looks. I cling to you, and allow you to lead me. It’s real stillness, partially because as an adult there’s a stubbornness that kicks in in the thinking that things need to happen in a certain way or by a certain time.
The performance treadmill that immediately happens to avoid stillness occurs, because of the mislead feeling that “I am not enough because of…..” which are all lies. I was one who thought that certain external items or factors that I was in creates the facade that there’s no need to dig deep. That there’s no need for me to see the underlying issues that I didn’t want to resolve from. Stillness does a lot, because God is a God who gets a lot done. It brings to the stage and forefront that God is in control, and he has the final say. Saying and declaring that “I surrender” means you ➡️ God ➡️has full authority over everything. Stillness does it all.
Day by day I am a walking testament of not being who I use to be all through this stillness that you have me in. Father God, as I reflect on where I am currently with you it’s truly hard, but I’m in awe of what you are continuing to do in me. I recently made the decision to not seek my parents for monetary help, which I believe it was something that you were seeking for me to do. To be in total dependence of you. It’s hard to keep the faith when all seems to be taken away from me. Receiving emails about needing to pay certain accounts is real. I have a phone bill that by the beginning of next months might be turned off. That’s harsh to experience and still believe to have faith in you.
It seems that hardships are coming down hard in a way that’s absurd to me, because who would believe me when you’re telling me not to work. It’s hard to seek you through this pause of being still. And not get caught up in replacing what humans said over what you are. I too question was it from you that I’ve received this? I just come to you wanting to bring this all to an end. I don’t know what else to say or express or surrender.
Regina Ann* said to me, maybe it’s not about what I need to do, but about your perfect timing because you are God. This is not a matter of confusion because there is none. This is about the stillness of my life that I thought I could have avoided. This is about the wounds that you are healing, and the scars that are now receiving a song of overcoming. You are God. There’s no denying that, and there’s no mistaken your authority over my life. Stillness brings fears to the surface, and my fears are in a wrestling match with you God. My fears are in the ring in a first round knockout. Stillness causes me to turn to Jesus. Stillness is the unavoidable answer. Stillness is the way to this space and freedom. Stillness is leading to me closer to Your Name. Amen.
(* denotes name change for respect of privacy)