"Let it stand" was what I heard after seeking you about what should I do in regards to this season. I don't think I'm hearing you clearly when I'm getting that you won't open the door to employment for me. I find that to be unlike the characteristics of what I've just read in Psalms 21:5-6. You demonstrated through the verses that it is within your will to bless us. So I am asking "Let it stand" what was that for?
I'm seeking you for your revealing on the message, was it even for me? But it was is what I'm receiving. I'm now getting "you will see". I've been seeing that I'm moving closer to the red. I've been backed up with my bills since the beginning of the year. I've been struggling to remain afloat. I've been crying out to you. I've been sick, and I've been so discourage. I'm posting up my bible studies, and just truly wanted to hear from your small still voice the loudest. Calling on you to drown out and cast out the other white noise in my head that was never of you.
Am I growing in you?
Am I evolving?
Am I even fighting to stand apart?
What am I even doing?
Am I even obedient to who you are?
Am I withholding nothing?
What am I not doing God?
Just what is it that I'm missing?
And then I get
"your doing it all just rewind me in the fall…"
Like what is that?
How did I become the one with the parable message?
Where is the interference coming from?
How can I not get frustrated?
I'm coming to you praying, and aiming to include you in all the details of my life, and then I get a "let it stand" unclear moment with you. No one talks about this. No one mentions that they go through the points in their life where it's beyond unclear, but it's a space of unknowing, and I'm here like what is this? I feel like the child who is deaf, and her parents have not figured that out yet. It's real. I don't know what you have for me, and right now it just seems like I'm writing out how I feel and you don't care. I'm beyond frustration and angry.
I'm hurt and just bewildered in what am I even doing right?
Can you let me know, so that I can have direction while losing all control?
Can you speak to me?
Can you let me know what's going on?
Do you even want the best for me?
I begin to feed doubt, because of what I received. I just want you God. I just want you Abba in my life, in everything that I do. I just pray that I'm withholding nothing, and choosing Spirit and truth. I just pray that clinging to you no matter how hard the days are. I pray for a growth mindset, and to have the patience with you. It's hard when I feel as though things are not moving fast enough. It's hard when those around you are abundantly getting bless, and I'm like any day now right God? You're going to open that door.
You're going to make that way, and part that Sea that I need you to part for me; and then here I still waiting on you. Still clinging to you. Asking you to please release me from this space that I am in. You know what you're doing God, often times it seems that the more I chase after you, the more you're stripping from me, which is why you do what you do. I'm just bewildered, and I just want your truths.
Father God, what is even next for me as I try to fight off bitterness and jealousy? As I truly try to praise you in the storm. It's been real to fight off a bitter heart, and just fighting off not wanting to do my own stuff to neglect this walk. And sometimes it makes me think and feel that I'm not talking to the right people, or they don't want to understand my turmoil. Being a bridge to others is not what I wanted as a calling. I'm literally always watching people make it to the mountain with the help of a hand along the way, but I'm over here still trying to figure out how to climb.
I don't think Regina Ann* understands that when she says that "she's being lead by the Spirit.." as a response to certain questions, can come off like hey I'm where I am with God and he's blessing me, because I'm hearing him clearly, so you have to figure out what path you're on. It comes off like she doesn't understand that I'm fighting. This is a sore spot for me, and I'm insecure in this place. Anything will make me very sensitive. We talked about it but it's still a sore spot for me. I'm in a round with God that I'm desperately climbing a mountain with every broken nail that I have. It's been real God. It's been real to walk through this particular road that I am on, and still proclaim your name.
I'm actively here just inviting your presence in my life. When certain statements are made they often have me wonder like well what does this person see in me that they are not telling me? I begin to want to distance myself, because then there's no real knowing from you what is being told to whom. I become paranoid. It's been hard to trust you, when often times it feels like you don't have my back. I know that your word says that you do, but it feels like I'm a rabbit being dragged by a carrot that you're pulling the string attached to it. With this "let it stand" moment that occurred, only you know what's really of you since I'm probably not doing enough of anything. Regina Ann told me what she thinks of me. She thinks I'm brave. She thinks I'm so God fearing, and unapologetic in praising your name. She is thankful I'm her best-friend, and that we are doing this walk as sisters. She trusts me with her life. It's hard but I need to focus on the good more than the bad. I am fighting to cling to love in Jesus name, Amen.
(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)