Wyn's Playlist

© Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com, 2014-2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Enable  — July 10, 2017

Enable 

I can't do anything without colors

I love colors

I love colors

I love colors

No man is worth me stopping the God in me

No mans pockets is worth stopping colors

Settling isn't worth it

I'm detailed

I'm bold

I'm an extrovert

I'm frank

I'm honest

I let go

For whoever

For whenever

For where ever

What do I have to walk through?

Where do I need to go?

Where do I need to be?

What trauma do I have to face?

No plan is worth my peace

I need sharpening not enabling

I can't choose fear

I can't do anything here

I have to stay in prayer

I feel freer

I have to do this God's Way

Bewildered — May 27, 2017

Bewildered

"Let it stand" was what I heard after seeking you about what should I do in regards to this season. I don't think I'm hearing you clearly when I'm getting that you won't open the door to employment for me. I find that to be unlike the characteristics of what I've just read in Psalms 21:5-6. You demonstrated through the verses that it is within your will to bless us. So I am asking "Let it stand" what was that for? 

I'm seeking you for your revealing on the message, was it even for me? But it was is what I'm receiving. I'm now getting "you will see". I've been seeing that I'm moving closer to the red. I've been backed up with my bills since the beginning of the year. I've been struggling to remain afloat. I've been crying out to you. I've been sick, and I've been so discourage. I'm posting up my bible studies, and just truly wanted to hear from your small still voice the loudest. Calling on you to drown out and cast out the other white noise in my head that was never of you. 

Am I growing in you? 

Am I evolving? 

Am I even fighting to stand apart? 

What am I even doing? 

Am I even obedient to who you are? 

Am I withholding nothing? 

What am I not doing God? 

Just what is it that I'm missing? 

And then I get 

"your doing it all just rewind me in the fall…" 

Like what is that? 

How did I become the one with the parable message? 

Where is the interference coming from? 

How can I not get frustrated? 

I'm coming to you praying, and aiming to include you in all the details of my life, and then I get a "let it stand" unclear moment with you. No one talks about this. No one mentions that they go through the points in their life where it's beyond unclear, but it's a space of unknowing, and I'm here like what is this? I feel like the child who is deaf, and her parents have not figured that out yet. It's real. I don't know what you have for me, and right now it just seems like I'm writing out how I feel and you don't care. I'm beyond frustration and angry. 

I'm hurt and just bewildered in what am I even doing right? 

Can you let me know, so that I can have direction while losing all control? 

Can you speak to me? 

Can you let me know what's going on? 

Do you even want the best for me? 

I begin to feed doubt, because of what I received. I just want you God. I just want you Abba in my life, in everything that I do. I just pray that I'm withholding nothing, and choosing Spirit and truth. I just pray that clinging to you no matter how hard the days are. I pray for a growth mindset, and to have the patience with you. It's hard when I feel as though things are not moving fast enough. It's hard when those around you are abundantly getting bless, and I'm like any day now right God? You're going to open that door. 

You're going to make that way, and part that Sea that I need you to part for me; and then here I still waiting on you. Still clinging to you. Asking you to please release me from this space that I am in. You know what you're doing God, often times it seems that the more I chase after you, the more you're stripping from me, which is why you do what you do. I'm just bewildered, and I just want your truths. 

Father God, what is even next for me as I try to fight off bitterness and jealousy? As I truly try to praise you in the storm. It's been real to fight off a bitter heart, and just fighting off not wanting to do my own stuff to neglect this walk. And sometimes it makes me think and feel that I'm not talking to the right people, or they don't want to understand my turmoil. Being a bridge to others is not what I wanted as a calling. I'm literally always watching people make it to the mountain with the help of a hand along the way, but I'm over here still trying to figure out how to climb. 

I don't think Regina Ann* understands that when she says that "she's being lead by the Spirit.." as a response to certain questions, can come off like hey I'm where I am with God and he's blessing me, because I'm hearing him clearly, so you have to figure out what path you're on. It comes off like she doesn't understand that I'm fighting. This is a sore spot for me, and I'm insecure in this place. Anything will make me very sensitive. We talked about it but it's still a sore spot for me. I'm in a round with God that I'm desperately climbing a mountain with every broken nail that I have. It's been real God. It's been real to walk through this particular road that I am on, and still proclaim your name. 

I'm actively here just inviting your presence in my life. When certain statements are made they often have me wonder like well what does this person see in me that they are not telling me? I begin to want to distance myself, because then there's no real knowing from you what is being told to whom. I become paranoid. It's been hard to trust you, when often times it feels like you don't have my back. I know that your word says that you do, but it feels like I'm a rabbit being dragged by a carrot that you're pulling the string attached to it. With this "let it stand" moment that occurred, only you know what's really of you since I'm probably not doing enough of anything. Regina Ann told me what she thinks of me. She thinks I'm brave. She thinks I'm so God fearing, and unapologetic in praising your name. She is thankful I'm her best-friend, and that we are doing this walk as sisters. She trusts me with her life. It's hard but I need to focus on the good more than the bad. I am fighting to cling to love in Jesus name, Amen.

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)

Residency — May 15, 2017

Residency

Father God, as I come to you with the emotions that I have with me on this rainy day. I’m just fighting to cling to your truths. It’s hard being in this place that I am in with no job, no money or even an unlimited metro card to go anywhere. I have no current state ID, because the one on hand has expired since last year, and my passport is about to expire in literally twelve days. I am in this house that I am currently staying in fighting to cling to your truths, and not consider myself a nobody. 

I am stung by the fact your stillness is where my domain is called to be, it feels more and more like a permanent residency. It feels less and less of a temporary season of my life. It’s becoming harder to believe that this is temporary, that all of this shall pass. It’s least likely for me is how things are starting to seem, believe, and feel. I do comprehend intellectually that feelings are deceitful. The well-known verse from Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts, because everything that we do flows from it. I just want to hit that tapped out red button that makes this stop, because I have walked through what I needed to. 

This stillness season that I am in feels so overly dragged out. I just want a change. Those who have walked in similar shoes can only share words of encouragement and wisdom. Stating “God is in this, and clinging to him is the only option,” but I come to you father God as to why this option is it? Why this option is the sole one that I need to walk through in order to receive my blessings that you have for me? It’s really hard Abba being here, and feeling stranded in this house that I am in. 

May 5th was the last day of my passport I thought I had sometime to renew, but the money kept coming up short or had to go elsewhere for something that needed to get immediately paid. It’s truly something that was coming out from my grasp. My current season seem so unavoidable, and like I have to walk through something that I truly wanted to avoid. Stillness is more than hard, it’s slightly petrifying that I’m where I am at the moment. I fight to not battle to look to my right, or my left as I have to push my way to lean on you. I look up to you. Father God, stillness is truly a pruning process that not only reveals truths, but pushes us to go to you in the agony that we are in. In this moment of stillness that I am in with you, I have been writing to you even more often then before. 

My prayer life has changed where I am pushing to fight the battles on my knees actively. The stillness is changing me. The stillness is shaping me to truly be who you are calling me to be. It’s real the stillness, there are things coming out that I’ve ran from seeing and knowing, but know I’ve hit the brick wall that you God have known would come, and I have to decide on what do I choose: the cling to the dead end or trust you with how this all looks. I cling to you, and allow you to lead me. It’s real stillness, partially because as an adult there’s a stubbornness that kicks in in the thinking that things need to happen in a certain way or by a certain time. 

The performance treadmill that immediately happens to avoid stillness occurs, because of the mislead feeling that “I am not enough because of…..” which are all lies. I was one who thought that certain external items or factors that I was in creates the facade that there’s no need to dig deep. That there’s no need for me to see the underlying issues that I didn’t want to resolve from. Stillness does a lot, because God is a God who gets a lot done. It brings to the stage and forefront that God is in control, and he has the final say. Saying and declaring that “I surrender” means you ➡️ God ➡️has full authority over everything. Stillness does it all. 

Day by day I am a walking testament of not being who I use to be all through this stillness that you have me in. Father God, as I reflect on where I am currently with you it’s truly hard, but I’m in awe of what you are continuing to do in me. I recently made the decision to not seek my parents for monetary help, which I believe it was something that you were seeking for me to do. To be in total dependence of you. It’s hard to keep the faith when all seems to be taken away from me. Receiving emails about needing to pay certain accounts is real. I have a phone bill that by the beginning of next months might be turned off. That’s harsh to experience and still believe to have faith in you. 

It seems that hardships are coming down hard in a way that’s absurd to me, because who would believe me when you’re telling me not to work. It’s hard to seek you through this pause of being still. And not get caught up in replacing what humans said over what you are. I too question was it from you that I’ve received this? I just come to you wanting to bring this all to an end. I don’t know what else to say or express or surrender. 

Regina Ann* said to me, maybe it’s not about what I need to do, but about your perfect timing because you are God. This is not a matter of confusion because there is none. This is about the stillness of my life that I thought I could have avoided. This is about the wounds that you are healing, and the scars that are now receiving a song of overcoming. You are God. There’s no denying that, and there’s no mistaken your authority over my life. Stillness brings fears to the surface, and my fears are in a wrestling match with you God. My fears are in the ring in a first round knockout. Stillness causes me to turn to Jesus. Stillness is the unavoidable answer. Stillness is the way to this space and freedom. Stillness is leading to me closer to Your Name. Amen.

(* denotes name change for respect of privacy)

Shortcuts  — May 5, 2017

Shortcuts 

5/3/17

Father God, I come to you with thanksgiving on what this moment, and time of stillness that I am in. I come to you with gratitude and love for what you are doing in me. Father God, last night as I walked through a realization that lead to the surrendering of being controlling, possessive, and exhibiting the ways identical to my mother. Father God as you continue to use this moment of stillness to open my eyes, I thank you Abba for loving me so much that you no longer are wanting me to take my broken inhaled ways to the new blessings that you are blooming my way. 

Father God, as I continue to choose stillness and losing control you’ve open my eyes. God you opened my ears to see, and hear some harsh truths that are within me. I see the spotty mold that I was carrying around and feeding. I no longer want to control anything, because it does not allow for me to be open to full surrender, which gives you the full openness and access to work in us. I must give you room to fill me up, renewing, restoring, and rebuilding me. It is openness to your biblical and Godly foundations. It is openness to your ways, and walking in your infinite wisdom and grace that you Father God have for my life. It is in the openness I can release the broken ways and mindsets that I’ve carried for so long. 

Release the clinging of my father, mother and the release of needing their approval and love. The release of letting them all go, and trusting you with how you are moving me on from them. Trust in your full fledge faith walking through the mental attacks that I’ve created short cuts on how to avoid them, which was what created the shortcuts that I’ve tried to master but failed. Father God, how I’ve tried it with the broken roots and foundations in short cuts that I have mistakenly thought I could have taken with me on this walk with you. 

You’ve cut out on that weeds every single time, then last night and earlier this morning you’ve pluck out the stubs. I’ve enable a broken ideology for so long that it has created the floodgates for other wrong and broken methods for myself. These shortcuts will always cause more problems than good. I see you are truly doing the work in me, as I fight to remain obedient in this stillness that you have for me. There needs to be stillness in the Godly cooperation of allowing you to move and make a way out of things. To make a way with all avenues. 

As I am drawing closer to you Abba, and sense the presence of your spirit amongst me, I must make that active fight to remain in the spirit, and to choose the spirit over my flesh. I must fight to make the active choice on no longer settling for shortcuts or disengagement through indifference. I made the attacks bigger than you, and the shortcuts were a scapegoat that lead to giving the enemy more power and control. I lay down and surrender my shortcut ways Abba, because you are bigger, hence in how you have stilled me to move me in your ways and path. I come to you laying down the spirit of looking back to believing that I have to aim at proving a point towards those that I had struggle to bond with. 

Father God I am continuingly seeking you, and not needing to prove anything to anyone or prove that I am not where I used to be. You have showed me that I already have the victory because the victory is in you Jesus. I thank you for how you walk with me to see truths, open eyes, and I surrender it all so that I can no longer remain the same. Father God I thank you for I am no longer seeking affection from others when I have full affection and adoration from you. I thank you that I am no longer under the wrong and broken molding of my mother or my family. I thank you father God for freeing me from whatever trap I was going to fall into. Thank you for changing me. I thank you for the dark storms, and the joys in the morning (Psalm 30:5). I thank you for it all Abba, in stillness I remain until you move me in Jesus name, Amen. 

“The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.” Exodus 14:14 KJV

Shelter — April 25, 2017

Shelter

4/17/17

God please move her. Please move Regina Ann* out of this. Father God, what can I do or say? Father God, please move her and pull her out. I am trying to hear from you Lord and just wanting to know what to do for her or how can I assist? God what job are we suppose to get? I keep receiving TriBeCa but how true is it? Is that something that I’m projecting, if it is then I surrender it. I surrender all things. Father God, I just want to know what to do next. Father God please move my sister. Please move her out and pull her out. I keep receiving that she is not going with them, now I’m getting she is. God I just want your truths about all things. Father God. What am I to do? What am I to say? I’m offering my heart and my life, just please pull Regina Ann out, please God. I have some layer of peace and I don’t know why? But I choose to trust and cling to it.

 
God when I ask you about going to a shelter, you said she’s not, now I’m getting she is? Which one is it? What is the true? What is even true about all of this. And then hearing about those dudes. I don’t care if they are real or not. Please free my sister God. Please move her. Please pull her out and just move her. Please God. Please God. I don’t know what else to say. If you want me to stop thinking about that man or even anything else then I lay it down. I lay Regina Ann down, I lay the other man down but just pull her out of this God. Please pull her out. I even lay myself down God, please pull her out. 

Lord I lay down all the selfish ambitions that I may have. I just choose to trust you. Show me how to no longer live in fear. Show me how to no longer just walk through the fear that my father and mother have played on me. Father God show me how to leave it all behind. I am trusting you and leaping and truly leaving it all behind. Father God, I say yes to you and I submit to your ways. I understand that I have severe control issues that I choose to let go of, because it is just hindering me and blocking me from truly hearing from you. Father God, I pray that you see this prayer as I declare to no longer cling to what I know. To no longer trust that money is the answer because it’s not. To no longer trust that living with my parents is the answer because it is not. Father God, I come to you in trusting you on what is next. Father God, you lead me and I will follow. I just say yes God, no matter what happens, I just say yes. I trust you. Amen 

I can’t do anything for her. I can’t be there. My hero complex is dismantled. There’s no saving a life for me when God hasn’t set me up to do so. I can’t save her. The god complex that I was carrying is dying through Regina Ann walking through what she is. Does it hurt enough for me God? Because I’m still crippled by fear. I’m still giving the enemy access, and full range to hinder me the way that I’m allowing him to with my fears. 

I gave advice that was said in fear and panic, “stash your phone inside of you”. God my fear is related to not having trust in you. I’m even fearful of my parents still, and how to still be there for Regina Ann. I’m like a little girl around them trying to hide my business and keep secrets. I’m so tormented because I’m feeding the wrong things. I need to choose freedom. I pray that I am. I understand that my fear for my parents causes me to remain childlike, and not be able to be present or mature in difficult situations. The thinking of “what will my parents say?” is what grips me so well God. I need you. I don’t know what else to say or do. Because being this fearful hinders me from being able to lead in any capacity, but also how am I suppose to be there for that man? I can’t be. I’m not there. And that’s the cold hearted reality. Father God, only you know when it will hurt enough for me to let go of this fear, that I’ve danced with for so long. The song has stopped, but I’m still on the dance floor. It’s just wrong and God I pray it stops. 

At 1:45 am, God you have my sister as we said goodnight.  

4/18/17

Waking up realizing that I’ve been living in my own homeless shelter. I’ve been living with parents who are clocking the next time that I ‘make it big’ to help them. The set up is communal when still enough to notice, and see how my parents gave up on the upkeep of their house years ago. Now it’s just about what do I do next God? What now for real?

I’ve been abused since a toddler. My mother recalls always how I was burned and afflicted by a babysitter. She always tells the story, but for some reason today that same story did something to my heart. That same story I surrender and give to you, and I pray for my mother to have peace with those early childhood moments in my life. I pray for my peace as well God. I pray to no longer carry those burdens around. The fear may have started since then, and full fledge manifested until now but I have to leave those instances in the past. 

4/19/17

A lot has happened in over a month God. A lot continues to develop. It’s 3am and I’m just walking through this time praising you, and choosing love and leaping into your arms with the unknown. Father God, the way that fear grips and controls us is like a vomit skin that is being worn around, and if one were to take a step back and observe oneself. I’ve seen it for myself. I was wearing that vomit rug or skin. Thank you God for pulling it off me. Thank you God for showing me that your love is truth. Thank you God. You saved me, and then sings my soul. 

No longer am I looking at the choices to my left or right or in my head, but I need you Father. I need you voice. 

4/21/17

Father God, I let go of all the broken and toxic upbringing of my parents. I can’t carry their broken burdens any longer. Father God, i let them all go, even my sister. Father God I come to you just wanting you to move me from my current temp address. This house is not a home, its truly is Haitian shelter. I can’t be here any longer God. Please remove me and Regina Ann out from our current spaces. 

4/22/17

The mind games that I play have resumed themselves. I’ve taken pleasure in the dysfunction and chaos between Regina Ann and I because I believe that it’s healthy. It’s healthy to have the constant up and down because then there’s love. If there’s this constant mess then I will see God clean It up my way-meaning I control the outcome. The truth is I wasn’t interested in being better or healthier, I was more focused on the vomit and clinging to what I know. Because through what I know I can see the outcome, there’s no leap or free falling. But then again, Abba, I’m here in the space of it hurting enough. It hurts enough to say that I can no longer be this way. It hurts enough to choose you over my weeds and brokenness of comfort. You began to open up my eyes to see that there is more, when I truly let go of the door that you’re closing to open the new one with more that ever before. I push to be more sensitive to the spirit than ever before. I have to seek you, and when I do my eyes see your truth. I can’t go back to before, it hurts enough to want healthy and godly above all.

*denote name change for privacy purposes. 

Comments  — April 15, 2017

Comments 

April 12, 2017

Sensitivity to your voice along with aggressiveness habits conflict with each other father God. They also are affecting my relationship with you. I pray that I can truly learn from this moment, and just be more sensitive to your spirit. I pray that it’s starting to hurt enough. I’m afraid to get excited about stuff, because I usually find out later that I wasn’t spot on, or I was not truly following along or being sensitive to what you were wanting to communicate to me. 

I truly am just trying to understand what you’re telling me God, and I get so aggressive with it, because I am finally going to be spot on with what God is telling me, and then here comes the very moment where I’m finding out that I was off. I become so easily and quickly hurt, and discouraged because I am like God, why is this my struggle? What am I doing to create this mess? I then quickly go back to the commentary that was made “God is not a God of confusion,” from pursuit 93 that disappeared suddenly. That was an accurate comment from her attempt to attack me. Her “sweetie” comment truly bothered me, and I wanted to reply to her. But that would have lead to a back and forth. Me not engaging in the reply doesn’t remove the sting, or make me not think that this person has some valid points. 

I’m so aggressive in wanting to hear accurately from you and instead I’m falling apart. Father God, I am truly struggling. I run to spend alone time with you to hear your voice and mediate on the word. But I am struggling. I truly need your covering as you show me, and just reveal to me my mistakes. I am tired of correction because I am tired of my imperfections coming out like a misinformed disgrace, instead I want the praise. I am tired of how my aggression leads to nothing of any progressive momentum. Father God, I lost today, will there ever be any wins? I clutch to my chest when I get one thing right, and I know it was all you. It’s real for me as you can see God the wanting to be more open and unguarded with correction and discipline. I am willing to leap to the unknowns that can shape me, and show me the discipline that I need to be sensitive to your spirit and authority. 

It’s funny how this morning there was a conversation with Regina Ann* about “cultural perfectionism”. Growing up with the biological inheritance of perfectionism that must occur even with the very relationship that I have with God. It was the “I must be on point with everything, especially all things that are coming from God”. When the person commented the way that she did, it seemed that it made me think God why am I not getting this area perfect? I don’t understand why this is a persistent battle in our relationship God? I’m so through with this battle, and how it’s starting to feel. 

God it’s truly challenging to remain faithful, when moments occurring of attacks appear out of nowhere as they do, but as I push to trust and come to you even with this bothersome that I’m feeling, I pray for the growth mindset to understand that this walk is a journey that truly has a resolve with every stride. This walk has to keep the focus mainly on you, not my left or right. My walk is uniquely intricate to the ripples of your fingerprints, and touches in every detail. Even with the commentary reply that was made, it had your touches to be used to strengthen, grow me, and draw me closer to you. 

Father God, as I am constantly pushing myself to grow with you in my writing, I pray for the continuing growth in being vulnerable in my writing/journaling with you, in this new season of my life. I pray that my aggressiveness to hear you more and without doubt comes with love, because you do call us to have a relentless pursuit to you. Father God, I thank you for the commenter, and I pray for her heart as she also learns that you are God and you are working on her individually designed for her walk with you, as you are doing so with all of your chosen and called. 

Father God, as I continue to grow in you, I pray for the confidence to trust you more than what my eyes feel like they need to see, or what I feel I should personally be doing. I pray for the continuous peace that comes with being obedient to you, despite what others don’t believe to be true. No matter what you will always catch me, and I choose to trust what brings continuous freedom in you then any other ways. I love you Father, Amen.

Healthy — March 31, 2017

Healthy

Will I have full hair

Will I ever fully hear

I’m so tired of you

Then you have this dude, full of rage and lies able to live in his sin

And you blocked our sins

Writing about it doesn’t do justice 

Everyday I have trauma worried about getting beaten or raped

His (man’s) love can’t save me

His (man’s) love doesn’t do anything 

The greatest love of all doesn’t do anything for me

The greatest love has me still here in the bed that I lay my eyes

Everyone else is so well off

The witch cried falsified rape, and gets to play games

I go no where 

The witch cried falsified rape and she’s better off than me

Apparently people respect you when you cry falsified rape, maybe I should cry rape too

I’m tired of today’s society

The witch got her masters, and you have me still

People in their sin doing them

I’m tired of today’s society 

I’m tired of the lies that stay hidden 

I don’t know anymore 

I’m tired of this season 

It’s time for the agencies

You hurt me 

You don’t even understand 

You block me from looking good 

People in flesh in their weave

When I’m doing what?

You don’t block their photo shoots 

But you’re blocking me

Don’t even know what to wear

Don’t even know what to be

The girl trying to do something 

out of poverty 

The witch cried falsified rape, and gets to be with redeemed

Who am I? 

The virgin that sits and waits

It’s a hallucination

Waiting on no contact return 

Waiting on people who don’t want to move on

They were very self centered 

They got their fame 

They got their money

And they now realize it wasn’t enough

Wynee didn’t know how to comb hair

Wynee needs to know the blush 

This dude is willing folks to come to him

These people are figment of imagination 

After today I will focus on God and Regina Ann*

I’m done after today

Wynee needs to take care of Wynee 

No one else is going to do it

I have no say in this house 

I don’t have a place of solace 

Even at that job I had no say

I can’t do this anymore 

I’m tired of struggling 

And you have the nerve to pull me out 

I just wanted my degree

I would have made it work

You already blocked being a lawyer 

I don’t even know what to do

I am tired of you stalling 

I’m so upset 

I’m tired

I’m tired of getting pulled out of stuff

I’m back at square one 

A black girl from Brooklyn, living with her parents

No one understands

People ignore the Spirit

to get ahead, and God is still with them 

No one understands 

I’m tired of this 

I don’t want to share 

No one wanted to share with me

No one invited me out

I didn’t have a car 

God blocked me from saving 

I’m always failing exams 

I’m tired of waiting for people 

Where is my set up

I need something 

No one is handing me an opportunity 

No one is holding me down 

No one knows my struggle 

I feel so tired of my life 

A thirty year old virgin that doesn’t know her worth 

Why are you preparing me for some man that’s doing him

It’s so uneasy to be in this house

Where’s the security in this house 

I wasn’t stressful at that job

I am more stressed in this house

I’m tired of talking 

Biggest lesson I learned to never speak up for myself again 

Laying down on my bed in the afternoon is not healthy

What is healthy?

I never want a man to be an excuse for me to not make moves 

That’s what I do make moves 

I don’t want a man to stop me

(*denotes name change for privacy)

Stillness  — March 29, 2017

Stillness 

Father God,

It's been real these last few weeks to days leading up to end of March. Father God how stillness is just a wrestle for me, when I'm so used to finding like so many things to do to keep myself busy, and push for productivity. But trusting you God in the midst of this season, where things have gone in a whole other direction is truly an example of how you are in control of everything Dad. 

We truly have to walk in blind faith when it comes to this walk, and journey with you. Father God as I wait, because you are truly telling me to be still and wait on you. I make failed attempts towards gauging on what could it possible be that you are telling me to do next. Father God, as I journal down my thoughts, I pray that I am truly dwelling in your presence, and open to everything that you have for me, and want to offer me. I pray that you are just filling me up, but also father God I'm wanting to be overflowed with your love and peace. 

Change is something that I am giving less resistance to, but there's still an evolution in me that needs to happen daily as I grow to desire your ways to choose over my own understandings. Father God, I pray that I am open to the truths about myself. Stillness father God I am learning is hard to do, when there is no outdoor patio to watch the sunset, while waiting on Jesus to give you the message that you need to hear. 

Father God, it's real being where I am for the past several days, the renewal of my mind is happening rapidly as I am shedding and growing new skin. It's all because of you God. I thank you for all that you have done, and continue to do each day for as long as I still have breath in my lungs. Father God, as I wake up everyday in this household that I am currently in, I clearly see the traits and manners that I have clung to, due to habits and cultural identity and transferred mannerisms from my parents. 

Father God, how real is it when you see that the patterns of what your parents are doing, are what you do, and realizing that you cannot take them to the next glory. Thank you God that you love me so much, that you are doing the work in me, preparing me for where you are taking Regina Ann* and I next. Pruning us to be unashamed about doing the foolishness of God. 

Father God, it's been real seeing in me how much was still not being surrendered over to you, and doing a heart check on what is truly in the deep pit of my heart and soul. Seeing what is ungodly, and to hand it over to you in exchange for your sovereignty over my life, by trusting you with everything that you are leading me to do. Abba, thank you for the growing accountability in taking a leap, but also in expressing gratitude. 

Thank you father for the small victories, that have lead to greater ones throughout my journey on this walk with you God. I could not have done this alone by myself, no way. It's truly all of you and only you God, walking with me and just chiseling me bit by bit. Father God, as I come to you continuously laying it all down, and wanting your peace instead of my fleshly thinking of what peace can be. As I read last night in scripture in Psalm 37:37, "a future awaits those who seek peace…" 

True peace comes from you God, yes we can light that candle to give the room some ambiance or worship music to set the room; however, those are accessories that God doesn't need in order to connect with you. There is the yearning of stillness, that God has directed for you have with him. Father God, as I grow in this walk with you as a Christian, I truly am wanting you to hold me accountable with the stillness that you are calling me to have with you. You truly are strengthening me, and stretching me in this area. I am in stillness more than the day before. Father God, I thank you for constantly showing me intimacy and grace, towards the growing relationship that I have with you. Abba, your love never fails, and it never gives up on me…..in Jesus name, Amen.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)

Thank You God — March 28, 2017

Thank You God

Father God, 

I am just perplexed that I’m in this temporary but unknowing season of employment with Regina Ann*. I don’t know how to come to you, when I just am seeking you for reassurance God that everything is going to be okay. Father God, as I write out to you how I feel, the memories and recalling of last night’s sermon replays in my head; to give gratitude and thanks in midst of the “through it” that I am in. I am in the middle of something I can sense it and feel it. 

As I humble myself to realize how good you are to me God, that you are still right here with me, as I take leaps into the deeper unknown, and fully trust you with all my heart. I don’t know what the response back will be, and if I do then I find it hard to believe, but I choose to thank you for wanting so much more for me. I choose to thank you, that you pulled me out of that place when I was settling for less than greater for myself, because I was getting a paid education. 

Thank you for loving me so much, that you do not what me to settle in the love story you have for me, when I’m thinking that settling was the only way to receive “real love”. Father God I do not know, or I’m not fully aware of your plans for me, and if I am then I pray that you please make them so clear that there’s no confusion, or misinterpretation on what you are saying are the next steps. Father God, continue to just walk me through these waves of emotions, that are inflicted by my insecurities. 

I need you God as I truly try to push myself to not freak out, or panic about whatever these next moves may be. Father God I need you on how to move next. I need you with my prosperity, and future days ahead. I need you in increasing my trust and security in you. Father God, everyday you are stripping me and challenging my thinking about my “secure plan,” and what is the best option for me. As I push to not settle, and no longer seek a job that is a paycheck, but be prepared to what I’m called to do. As I trust you with my goals and plans. The leaps that I have been taking has me feeling that maybe nothing is possible, or what am I not doing enough? Am I really resting or just being lazy? 

God I’m having such a hard time with things. I am saying yes to the next doors. As I write out my frustrations, I realize to conclude this with praises and thanks. Father God thank you that I am not where I used to be. Many years ago I would be desperate, and settled for something as long as it could cover my bills being paid, but I am now in a space where I choose to trust you, despite how things may seem, despite what is the opposite of the norm. 

Thank you God for pulling me out from a space where I was unhappy, and just drowning every day. Thank you God for loving me through my fears and resistance. Thank you God for how I have the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Thank you God that I am no longer bound to any chains that would be used to condemn me. Thank you God that I am still standing despite the many who tried to offer me the world. Thank you God I am still standing despite the many that tried to knock me down. I am only here today because of you God. 

On 4/4/14 you saved me. You walked me down that church aisle to the front of the altar, and I lay down my life. I said yes to walking in faith, and wanting to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Father God thank you for breath. Thank you for everything. Thank you God as you hold what lays ahead for me. Father God I thank you that a relationship with you is forever evolving. Thank you God for all the unspoken things, that I have not mention or can’t recall. Thank you Abba, I love you. Amen.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)

Attacks — March 26, 2017

Attacks

It’s so hard for me to understand. 

I have a hard time understanding what I’m asking for.

That’s what bothers me.

It’s very frustrating. 

That’s why I want to give up.

In my core I just want God.

What is a leap of faith?

Where am I even leaping? 

What does it look like?

Does it mean I’m leaping every time I wake up?

Did I do this to myself?

Is it because I’m not sexually active?

If I have all these expectations, then Lord I lay them down. 

I don’t even know anymore. 

What are the right questions? 

What am I waiting to listen for?

How do I know what I’m listening to?

I’m not doing enough. 

I don’t know what enough is.

I feel like the weak link.

I’m not present. 

I don’t know what enough is.

I don’t know what present is.

I just want to be healthy.

I just want to do this walk. 

I want to be a bridge 

God’s Way.

I want to be a bridge 

to send the lost

to be found. 

God you’re saying I am found.

I don’t even know

what to say to that.

When I push to listen to God’s Voice, 

I don’t even know who I’m talking to.

I think what scares me, is the attacks and spiritual warfare.

In the Bible it says God’s still small voice.

But the attacks try to match.

That’s why I’m praying, and I don’t know if God’s healing and freeing me.

That’s why I sleep.

I want to sleep.

That’s why I don’t like communication, because I sound crazy. 

All I keep getting is I am free.

How am I free when I’m praying and I don’t know what You’re Saying to me?

How am I free when bondages trap me?

How am I free when I don’t know me?

I thought free was a magical lightbulb.

I don’t know anything. 

God show me how to be supernatural.

It’s easier to give up, and say I failed.

God, I’m sorry. 

I’m not taking enough leaps.

I’m trying to be still.

What do you do in stillness?

Where should I go read for stillness?

What books should I have opened?

I have questions and I don’t even know to ask them. 

I have a mouth that doesn’t know how to speak to God. 

I have eyes and I don’t know if I see God. 

I have a heart and I don’t know if it beats for God. 

I just want to give up.

I’m here as a Christian not knowing how to turn to God. 

I’m here as a Christian not knowing what I need from God. 

I’m here as a Christian not knowing how to be there, not knowing what to do, and not knowing what’s truth.

God you’re telling me I choose truth. 

How when I’m in this immeasurable amount of pain?

Am I choking in vain?

I don’t like what I wear.

I don’t like how I’m seen.

I’m a virgin that’s scared. 

What is my identity if God is for me?

What does that even mean?

I don’t know what to wear.

I believe I don’t know to be, because of my sexuality. 

I don’t want sex to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want him to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want Regina Ann* to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want brother to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer.

I think I need mental help. 

I’m always crying about something. 

I pray one day 

I can hear you clearly God, if you choose to. 

The enemy fools me to believe lies.

I get attacked about Regina Ann and brother all the time.

I’m very disturbed about attacks, they make me so fearful. 

I choose truth no matter how hard it is to do.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons

%d bloggers like this: