Wyn's Playlist

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Enable  — July 10, 2017

Enable 

I can't do anything without colors

I love colors

I love colors

I love colors

No man is worth me stopping the God in me

No mans pockets is worth stopping colors

Settling isn't worth it

I'm detailed

I'm bold

I'm an extrovert

I'm frank

I'm honest

I let go

For whoever

For whenever

For where ever

What do I have to walk through?

Where do I need to go?

Where do I need to be?

What trauma do I have to face?

No plan is worth my peace

I need sharpening not enabling

I can't choose fear

I can't do anything here

I have to stay in prayer

I feel freer

I have to do this God's Way

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Assurance  — April 16, 2017

Assurance 

I don’t know what I want. 

I just want God’s truths about me.

I want truth about this place that I’m in. 

The words that were repeated 

for the 99th time don’t hurt enough. 

The words that are express don’t

trigger the back against the wall.

The words don’t trigger being a fighter.

The words don’t trigger no longer wanting 

to delay the blessings that 

He wants to place on upon me.

The words that were repeated don’t hurt me.

I can’t feel, because I don’t want feelings. 

I reap a feeling that nothing will be enough.

I need reassurance that i will only find in God.

Humans no longer participate in my assurance.

I don’t push myself to go to God first.

Because I don’t have to face what’s inside.

The brokenness that blinds sight.

The wild one that doesn’t want taming.

The lost one thinking rebelling is popular.

I don’t want to leap to the unseen 

because that means I’m free.

I am not mentally healthy. 

I feed sagas and dramas.

I made a decision by omission. 

I need the peace that Jesus brings.

I thought my idols were my identity.

I pray it hurts enough now.

I pray it was the back against the wall 

that will cause the fighter in her to swing out. 

I pray that these weeds hurt enough.

I’m holding back my yes that the world needs.

The attacks come when the beauty 

in my eyes decides to take a leap. 

The enemy hates the clawing that 

I am willing to take to be free.

Did I forget how to fight?

Or do I want to fight for what’s blinding me?

What’s my strife? 

Where’s my healer?  

I need my healer.

I need my beliefs to be aligned 

to the Heavenly Kingdom not the world. 

I declare for that I am chasing after you 

no matter how foolish I look.

And lead us not into temptation, 

but deliver us from evil: 

For thine is the kingdom, 

and the power, and the glory, 

for ever. Amen.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:13‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Jacked Up — April 14, 2017

Jacked Up

I’m so jacked up

when we left 

It’s getting harder

then God uses 

the distance to pull out weeds

Regina Ann* now admits 

her lies inside

no wonder she’s not with him

he wanted to sex her up

right in front of everybody 

and then God made us leave 

I’m not even with her like that 

and she can no longer lie or hide

It’s getting harder 

there’s a yearning in all of us

I’m so jacked up

to be in his proximity 

and now he’s away from me

God made us leave 

I’m so jacked up

Regina Ann’s jacked up

there’s a yearning in all of us

we all want that soulmate love 

maybe that’s why he wants

to give it all up

I could be wrong God 

I just want truth God 

God telling me he loves me

comes off like a manipulation 

I cannot do this 

His struggle to be upfront

He wants me to regret that day

but I had to walk away 

When God showed him

I was going to do that 

Brother only did to Regina Ann 

what she outwardly showed 

He knew this would come out 

He didn’t want me to know 

I don’t know what’s going on anymore 

I just know Jesus died over 2,000 years ago

I can’t leave him 

I’m too emotionally evolved 

You cannot leave 

What God placed in my heart 

I walked away that day because 

he made me feel like an embarrassment 

He triggers all men and boys 

wanting me in secret 

He triggers my catholic school days

By wanting me privately not publicly 

He has the nerve to try and pet me

before the rug gets pulled from underneath me

I walked away from the Wynee not trying to give herself more than where she is

The moment I walked away I got three jobs

Maybe that’s what pisses him off

that I wanted more and I wanted better

When a man wants you he’s intentional

he wasn’t intentional, I wasn’t what 

you wanted or needed that’s fine.

God is an intentional God 

So men will be intentional when they want you

It’s not about me walking away 

It’s about me wanting better than him

He gets work published and cash

What do I have? Poetry?

What’s that going to do for me?

I didn’t want to feel 

like a public embarrassment 

He needs to stop sweeping things underneath the rug

and take the trash out 

Not pay someone 

to throw out your trash, throw it yourself 

If you really want to be intentional

What he’s doing is crumbs 

I want more than crumbs

I sound like a girl 

heartbroken over a guy 

that never wanted to be with her 

I’m not it

A crush that’s gone too far

That’s why I don’t want to talk about him

That’s why I don’t want to write about him

I don’t understand why I have to write about him

April 12, 2015 was a girl crush

He won

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Bitterness  — April 13, 2017

Bitterness 

Been advocating for myself since eleven years old, and I got blocked 

That’s my problem

all three of them 

are ahead and see what I can’t yet 

that’s my problem

I don’t know 

where I will be next month

so I need to stock up

pursuit93 commentaries 

bothered me deeply

everyone saw this

and she’s the only one that said what others didn’t 

she’s in her sin 

and able to have 

sustainable income

just wanted a secret space

want to cook for Wynee

want to travel for Wynee

sit and look out a window

this one thing in my life

very minimal accomplishments 

that’s why I’m so competitive 

what’s my accomplishments

like doing math well

that I can’t even prove

that I know how to do

that’s a real situation 

to be twenty-nine and feel like I don’t have 

no accomplishments 

I can’t give my daughters dating advice

I can’t give my daughters any advice 

I can’t give my son dating advice

In the future when they ask

I say it didn’t work out that way for me 

I have an expectation on everything 

I have a look on everything 

That’s why I’m competitive 

People come for me and not for others

pursuit93 must have a lot of time on of her hands

God used her brokenness

to make me dig deep on where I’m really at

brother wanted to be with a young looking girl

that looks twice as old as him

that broken community can stay over there

I’ll never call them when I have a problem 

be the midnight community 

brother wanted that so be that then 

don’t get mad when you see you’re trapped

you’re security

when there’s no one to secure

there was no role for you to keep you 

they made that

who are you really securing?

Who are you securing in a trench coat ?

I don’t care about that deep ignorance 

that midnight building invests in people to expect a return in that investment 

there’s no pure motives 

we will never cross paths

thank God

security for what? 

you’re not real security 

if you’re showing up where ever you feel like it 

this is preference and favoritism 

because of looks

she wanted that man

she got him

aging on the inside 

looking twice her age 

not listening to God 

got her so far 

good for her 

and where she is: alone 

he knows big words 

for no reason 

married someone 

he didn’t know blindly 

God allowed him to be

fiscally successful but

completely blocked me

Bitterness in my tone hinders me, 

so I must come to God 

to be free. 

Misunderstood  — April 12, 2017

Misunderstood 

So where is He?

The Bible says 

He is our Father

so where is He?

People say 

I’m aggressive 

No honey,

I just want to 

hear from God.

Others hear from God.

People know 

the voice of God

yet nitpick and reject 

what He commands.

I’m just trying 

to hear and understand.

Why was she 

so mean to me?

People come for me

and attack me 

with words that hurt.

God says she

had to know her truths.

I don’t understand 

King James Version.

I thought I was

supposed to keep ESV.

But hearing Regina Ann*

prayed and was lead 

to give her ESV 

to her brother, and he cried.

It makes me wonder 

was I wrong and if I lied.

God says ESV is mine to keep.

Why am I being still?

God you don’t speak

in this silence 

and all I do is sleep.

I’m trying to hear you.

Maybe I’m on 

the wrong channel.

She was right to write

God is not a God of confusion.

God says she has to be revealed 

her decisions that were concealed.

God I just want to know you. 

God all you’re clear on

is that man that couldn’t answer.

God says he can’t.

I just want to know you God.

That’s why I look 

for things to do.

Stillness is so hard.

Regina Ann said 

fight to be happy.

How? What is happy?

God is so unclear.

That’s how it feels.

God is not a God 

of confusion. 

She was mean, but right.

God says she had 

to know her truths.

God says I did 

what I had to do. 

I’m just fighting 

to do the right thing.

God says I know His Voice

with certainty and He will

become clearer and clearer.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

It’s so hard 

to understand God. 

One hundred sixty four  — April 8, 2017

One hundred sixty four 

It's so hard to trust you right now

I feel like you let me down God 

I feel like you continuously just disturbed me

Why do I have to be open to a man that doesn't have my problems 

That man will always have an opening 

But Wynee had to fend 

I want more than where I'm at 

I hate this season 

It's always by October when my life picks up

It's April and you're telling me to be still?

I can't do that 

I can't do that

You just blocked my plan

You had me working at a place 

Getting paid less than sustainable wage

You put it in her heart to pay me that 

And you're telling me not to save?

Talking about its flesh 

Talking about my heart needs cleaning 

Where's my heart when I'm not working?

Where's my heart when you made me buy things that I didn't need. 

One hundred and sixty four dollars spent on items I don't need 

I could've put it in a CD

I could've gotten stocks 

I don't need the crap you made me buy 

I need more than where I was

I need more than where I am

I need more than 

A bible that I can barely comprehend

A bible that I put colors in

And you're telling me that man sees my creativity, what does that do for me?

Regina Ann* always covers him 

He needs to cover himself 

Got chicks showing off empire-type roof tops

I wish I could work there 

I can finally have insurance 

I have to fix my ears 

I have to fix my teeth

I have to fix my sight

That's what bothers me

These chicks are selfish 

They don't want anyone to be ahead, that's what bothers me

That's why I'm competing 

For all the girls that struggle 

Just to get a break 

And not to depend on a man 

I just wanted to make sure I didn't come to him with nothing 

As a black woman education is so important 

Where you go to school does matter

And God you blocked me from knowing out of state colleges 

You babel me from knowing this

People told me good luck finding a job 

That's why it feels like I settled to that sales job 

You used everything for your glory

That's where I met Regina Ann

It took me forever to get promoted 

My promotion was half way shady

that's why I fight for integrity 

I'm tired of shady 

I don't want anyone to come for me 

I'm not lazy 

Being at home triggers my PTSD

I feel worthless here 

I don't like being here 

Having a job no matter what it is, is better than nothing 

At least I'll have a dollar 

Something is better than nothing 

One hundred and sixty four dollars 

wasted, on a bible I don't need 

That's how I feel

I'll never get that money back 

Whatever I'm just over all of this 

(* denotes that name changes are for privacy reasons)

Healthy — March 31, 2017

Healthy

Will I have full hair

Will I ever fully hear

I’m so tired of you

Then you have this dude, full of rage and lies able to live in his sin

And you blocked our sins

Writing about it doesn’t do justice 

Everyday I have trauma worried about getting beaten or raped

His (man’s) love can’t save me

His (man’s) love doesn’t do anything 

The greatest love of all doesn’t do anything for me

The greatest love has me still here in the bed that I lay my eyes

Everyone else is so well off

The witch cried falsified rape, and gets to play games

I go no where 

The witch cried falsified rape and she’s better off than me

Apparently people respect you when you cry falsified rape, maybe I should cry rape too

I’m tired of today’s society

The witch got her masters, and you have me still

People in their sin doing them

I’m tired of today’s society 

I’m tired of the lies that stay hidden 

I don’t know anymore 

I’m tired of this season 

It’s time for the agencies

You hurt me 

You don’t even understand 

You block me from looking good 

People in flesh in their weave

When I’m doing what?

You don’t block their photo shoots 

But you’re blocking me

Don’t even know what to wear

Don’t even know what to be

The girl trying to do something 

out of poverty 

The witch cried falsified rape, and gets to be with redeemed

Who am I? 

The virgin that sits and waits

It’s a hallucination

Waiting on no contact return 

Waiting on people who don’t want to move on

They were very self centered 

They got their fame 

They got their money

And they now realize it wasn’t enough

Wynee didn’t know how to comb hair

Wynee needs to know the blush 

This dude is willing folks to come to him

These people are figment of imagination 

After today I will focus on God and Regina Ann*

I’m done after today

Wynee needs to take care of Wynee 

No one else is going to do it

I have no say in this house 

I don’t have a place of solace 

Even at that job I had no say

I can’t do this anymore 

I’m tired of struggling 

And you have the nerve to pull me out 

I just wanted my degree

I would have made it work

You already blocked being a lawyer 

I don’t even know what to do

I am tired of you stalling 

I’m so upset 

I’m tired

I’m tired of getting pulled out of stuff

I’m back at square one 

A black girl from Brooklyn, living with her parents

No one understands

People ignore the Spirit

to get ahead, and God is still with them 

No one understands 

I’m tired of this 

I don’t want to share 

No one wanted to share with me

No one invited me out

I didn’t have a car 

God blocked me from saving 

I’m always failing exams 

I’m tired of waiting for people 

Where is my set up

I need something 

No one is handing me an opportunity 

No one is holding me down 

No one knows my struggle 

I feel so tired of my life 

A thirty year old virgin that doesn’t know her worth 

Why are you preparing me for some man that’s doing him

It’s so uneasy to be in this house

Where’s the security in this house 

I wasn’t stressful at that job

I am more stressed in this house

I’m tired of talking 

Biggest lesson I learned to never speak up for myself again 

Laying down on my bed in the afternoon is not healthy

What is healthy?

I never want a man to be an excuse for me to not make moves 

That’s what I do make moves 

I don’t want a man to stop me

(*denotes name change for privacy)

Attacks — March 26, 2017

Attacks

It’s so hard for me to understand. 

I have a hard time understanding what I’m asking for.

That’s what bothers me.

It’s very frustrating. 

That’s why I want to give up.

In my core I just want God.

What is a leap of faith?

Where am I even leaping? 

What does it look like?

Does it mean I’m leaping every time I wake up?

Did I do this to myself?

Is it because I’m not sexually active?

If I have all these expectations, then Lord I lay them down. 

I don’t even know anymore. 

What are the right questions? 

What am I waiting to listen for?

How do I know what I’m listening to?

I’m not doing enough. 

I don’t know what enough is.

I feel like the weak link.

I’m not present. 

I don’t know what enough is.

I don’t know what present is.

I just want to be healthy.

I just want to do this walk. 

I want to be a bridge 

God’s Way.

I want to be a bridge 

to send the lost

to be found. 

God you’re saying I am found.

I don’t even know

what to say to that.

When I push to listen to God’s Voice, 

I don’t even know who I’m talking to.

I think what scares me, is the attacks and spiritual warfare.

In the Bible it says God’s still small voice.

But the attacks try to match.

That’s why I’m praying, and I don’t know if God’s healing and freeing me.

That’s why I sleep.

I want to sleep.

That’s why I don’t like communication, because I sound crazy. 

All I keep getting is I am free.

How am I free when I’m praying and I don’t know what You’re Saying to me?

How am I free when bondages trap me?

How am I free when I don’t know me?

I thought free was a magical lightbulb.

I don’t know anything. 

God show me how to be supernatural.

It’s easier to give up, and say I failed.

God, I’m sorry. 

I’m not taking enough leaps.

I’m trying to be still.

What do you do in stillness?

Where should I go read for stillness?

What books should I have opened?

I have questions and I don’t even know to ask them. 

I have a mouth that doesn’t know how to speak to God. 

I have eyes and I don’t know if I see God. 

I have a heart and I don’t know if it beats for God. 

I just want to give up.

I’m here as a Christian not knowing how to turn to God. 

I’m here as a Christian not knowing what I need from God. 

I’m here as a Christian not knowing how to be there, not knowing what to do, and not knowing what’s truth.

God you’re telling me I choose truth. 

How when I’m in this immeasurable amount of pain?

Am I choking in vain?

I don’t like what I wear.

I don’t like how I’m seen.

I’m a virgin that’s scared. 

What is my identity if God is for me?

What does that even mean?

I don’t know what to wear.

I believe I don’t know to be, because of my sexuality. 

I don’t want sex to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want him to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want Regina Ann* to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want brother to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer.

I think I need mental help. 

I’m always crying about something. 

I pray one day 

I can hear you clearly God, if you choose to. 

The enemy fools me to believe lies.

I get attacked about Regina Ann and brother all the time.

I’m very disturbed about attacks, they make me so fearful. 

I choose truth no matter how hard it is to do.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons

Virgin  — March 24, 2017

Virgin 

I’m afraid for him to touch me

I’m afraid

I can’t express it

Something popped with him

Like how he sees me

I don’t know something popped 

Something popped for him

Or for me and something I now see

I can’t 

I don’t want 

I’m a virgin

I can’t 

I want out

I can make it 

I can make it happen 

Send me the agencies

I’ll look

I don’t care 

I just want out

I don’t know what popped

Something popped 

Why is he still in this 

If being a virgin 

is a problem then fine

Go to someone else

He sniffed me 

because of my innocence 

I didn’t know you could smell love

He just wanted to smell me

because it was so sweet

I’ve been staring at my hands

and I see they’ve matured 

into grown woman hands

My hands match fingers 

of an adult 

My polish color 

the length 

It’s stupid but it’s an adult hand

I really wish I didn’t listen 

that night God told me 

to hold onto my virginity 

I wouldn’t be here 

because my parents would’ve kicked me out

I would’ve been determined to figured it out

I would’ve kept ignoring you God

Being a virgin makes me not see

They’ll be no Regina Ann*

They’ll be no him

They’ll be no brother

It’s a huge culture shock

My tastes and colors changed

I need to not look childish anymore

Having sex changes you

I really wish I didn’t wait

Here I am 

Whatever I don’t care

Regina Ann* doesn’t have my problems 

He doesn’t have my problems 

I’m 29 with childish outcomes 

I don’t care what he wants

He’s never going to find me again 

God it’s a lie

to protect my virginity 

Nobody wanted to hear from the virgin 

The virgin always gets it worse 

I just wanted to be loved

Being a virgin is a curse 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Behold — March 22, 2017

Behold

She knows she lost him already. 

Her sins are wanting to 

keep her in bondages 

so that she doesn’t lay 

them down and release freedom 

from him or for him. 

She doesn’t want him 

seemingly to become better than them. 

She doesn’t want it.

So she remains in her stench. 

God is like I have to cover her in prayer.

Because he doesn’t want this. 

He doesn’t want her.

He doesn’t want this or them.

He doesn’t want it.

God I pray for your spirit 

to move in their lives even more. 

You make the room 

for your presence to be experienced 

and to be known. 

In Jesus name make room. 

Amen. 

Behold

You know the way to go,

so choose truth.

He chose you. 

Not her nor the gold.

He wants no stakes to hold.

He wants no games 

through or over freedom 

that he can’t expose. 

Because he’s so to bold 

to let it all go.

He prays for hope. 

He prays you let go 

of control and 

choose peace beyond 

you and me and him and brother. 

He realizes it’s us he needs. 

He’s ready.

Behold.  

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