Wyn's Playlist

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Stillness  — March 29, 2017

Stillness 

Father God,

It's been real these last few weeks to days leading up to end of March. Father God how stillness is just a wrestle for me, when I'm so used to finding like so many things to do to keep myself busy, and push for productivity. But trusting you God in the midst of this season, where things have gone in a whole other direction is truly an example of how you are in control of everything Dad. 

We truly have to walk in blind faith when it comes to this walk, and journey with you. Father God as I wait, because you are truly telling me to be still and wait on you. I make failed attempts towards gauging on what could it possible be that you are telling me to do next. Father God, as I journal down my thoughts, I pray that I am truly dwelling in your presence, and open to everything that you have for me, and want to offer me. I pray that you are just filling me up, but also father God I'm wanting to be overflowed with your love and peace. 

Change is something that I am giving less resistance to, but there's still an evolution in me that needs to happen daily as I grow to desire your ways to choose over my own understandings. Father God, I pray that I am open to the truths about myself. Stillness father God I am learning is hard to do, when there is no outdoor patio to watch the sunset, while waiting on Jesus to give you the message that you need to hear. 

Father God, it's real being where I am for the past several days, the renewal of my mind is happening rapidly as I am shedding and growing new skin. It's all because of you God. I thank you for all that you have done, and continue to do each day for as long as I still have breath in my lungs. Father God, as I wake up everyday in this household that I am currently in, I clearly see the traits and manners that I have clung to, due to habits and cultural identity and transferred mannerisms from my parents. 

Father God, how real is it when you see that the patterns of what your parents are doing, are what you do, and realizing that you cannot take them to the next glory. Thank you God that you love me so much, that you are doing the work in me, preparing me for where you are taking Regina Ann* and I next. Pruning us to be unashamed about doing the foolishness of God. 

Father God, it's been real seeing in me how much was still not being surrendered over to you, and doing a heart check on what is truly in the deep pit of my heart and soul. Seeing what is ungodly, and to hand it over to you in exchange for your sovereignty over my life, by trusting you with everything that you are leading me to do. Abba, thank you for the growing accountability in taking a leap, but also in expressing gratitude. 

Thank you father for the small victories, that have lead to greater ones throughout my journey on this walk with you God. I could not have done this alone by myself, no way. It's truly all of you and only you God, walking with me and just chiseling me bit by bit. Father God, as I come to you continuously laying it all down, and wanting your peace instead of my fleshly thinking of what peace can be. As I read last night in scripture in Psalm 37:37, "a future awaits those who seek peace…" 

True peace comes from you God, yes we can light that candle to give the room some ambiance or worship music to set the room; however, those are accessories that God doesn't need in order to connect with you. There is the yearning of stillness, that God has directed for you have with him. Father God, as I grow in this walk with you as a Christian, I truly am wanting you to hold me accountable with the stillness that you are calling me to have with you. You truly are strengthening me, and stretching me in this area. I am in stillness more than the day before. Father God, I thank you for constantly showing me intimacy and grace, towards the growing relationship that I have with you. Abba, your love never fails, and it never gives up on me…..in Jesus name, Amen.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)

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Let You Go — January 22, 2017

Let You Go

We have sought the truth when we’ve felt the pain

Even wandered beyond our faith in the name

We cannot pretend we are always ok

We cannot depend on fast food grace

They don’t know my struggles. They don’t know my feelings. Who is “they” the unity that tolerates disrespect. I never looked like Regina Ann* or Lanta* or Rose*. I just looked like how God made me, and they didn’t believe that someone like my ribcage could be interested in me. I wasn’t what the unity believe should be around me. You also showed them that you backed them up with their resound. So no, I don’t forgive them and that ribcage don’t care about me; so it doesn’t matter what I do or you do. Why? Did God show me that guy, where now I don’t believe it’s him, because of what is seen.

You chose to believe in them and not what I stand in. 

You watch me get disrespected by every single person that I came across paths with. 

I can’t believe in you anymore. 

I battle believing in God, because of all that has been done. 

I have no resources. 

Just piles of debt. 

Just piles of setbacks. 

Just piles of failed attempts. 

I’m tired of everything that involves you and I. I’ve been disrespected by the ones who you slept with or attempted to but God blocked it. I’m so hurt and jaded by that church and my faith. 

I’m so hurt and jaded by you. 

Because you never took things to God and ask him how to do this. 

You publicly disrespected. 

Please leave my heart. 

You never wanted it in the first place. 

You just wanted your sex and your starlights. Now you can have it. 

You had God made me show up so that you can sound well and your paychecks can be fatten. Now here I am wanting to make something out of myself, and I get block because I can’t proceed without you. 

Watch me! 

Watch me because I am determined to forget you, 

you never wanted my heart, 

you only wanted me to get to your star status as fast as you can.

I wanted a meal ticket from a guy, because that’s the only thing I believe I was worth. 

I wasn’t good enough to the ones that depended on how they look to get the real good looking ones. 

I wasn’t. 

I was also to scarred to be dated. 

I don’t know why, 

I thought it was a good idea to save myself for marriage, when marriage involves a union. 

I was mislead on what the union would look like. God I don’t believe in you. 

In your word or who you are anymore. 

I feel like I wasted my time in my old church I was in. 

I truly just feel like people were so disrespectful, and just mean and didn’t see me as worthy to be in there space; because of who I am and how I look. 

I battle a lot of self worth, because I experience the worse welcoming in a church environment, that didn’t want me but wanted the people that I came with. 

Help me let You go

Help me give up control

of the god i have made you

when my fear has contained you

I realize that not even Rose has even asked me about this man. Because she doesn’t believe it. She believes in Regina Ann’s; but doesn’t even believe in what God has told me about this man. That’s probably why I don’t want to talk to others. That’s probably why I used to go after other women’s men because watch me take your man from you since you think that he would never be interested in me; that’s how broken I am or was. My insecurities of how I look causes me to feed the same brokenness over and over again. I’m always picking apart how I look. Lanta told me last night to stop picking apart my beautiful face at Regina Ann’s birthday celebration last night. No one would believe that the likes of that man God keeps showing me in church or society can possible be interested in me. So I’m like watch you suffer since you trained everyone to make me feel like I’m not able or deserve to be loved for who I am. 

I’m not enough for me because I was never enough for anyone. 

I was never enough for my parents. 

I was never enough for teachers, peers, or coaches. 

I don’t want to take anyone’s advice, because I’ve been disrespected for so long. 

I don’t trust what anyone has to say. 

No one wanted to see me be set up for success.   

They actually said to me that maybe I’m not cut out for this education path, so I had to prove to them that I can do anything. 

I got three other offers last year after I was told I can’t be a teacher. I always get motivated by someone telling me I can’t do something. 

I mind screwed myself to perform or function when someone doubts me. 

I don’t believe in myself because you block me God from doing things my way. 

You block me from starting the businesses that I want to start. 

You tell me that I have to wait on someone who is already ahead and successful. 

The fact that Rose doesn’t believe in what I’m telling her, because she sees what I see: if a man is truly interested in a woman then he would make a move, is how I know that it’s not him. 

It’s 2017, and he’s not interested in me, he never was. 

It was always me making the moves. 

I was the one who had to be in the pews and waited and be true. 

But he didn’t want me, he never did; because you can’t want what’s not for you. 

I made this man up. 

I made up the flutters and everything. 

I created facades about him. 

So I’m moving on, and choosing healthy truths. I’m choosing the fact that I don’t know who is meant to be for me is, but I know that one day I will believe that God is good. 

I wish him much success. 

I wish him God’s ordained for his life. 

when the way is unclear and the answers illusive

He is different by far than our broken conclusions

You are not the god my pain has conceived 

You are deeper and stronger than my eyes can see

God heal me to get past the hurt that has occurred in me for all of my life. God, should I even call on you when I’m here struggling, and just trying to make something out of myself. 

You are not able to be there for another human being, but you still can managed to make a fat paycheck, and not encounter half that I’ve dealt with. 

You are just like them even worse, because you witness the disrespect. 

God isn’t showing me how to pay my bills, but he’s showing me someone who can pay their bills and them some. 

I’m failing my certs exams, but you passed all your schooling, and you have your prestige pedigrees that you didn’t even need; because you were always welcome at the table. 

I had to work twice as hard, because I was prejudged for not being good enough, when you were handing the keys to open any doors. 

I am struggling to walk most days, and have trouble walking up or walking down the stairs. You can freely walk without any pain. 

When you are mention with others, they look at me like I’m insane. 

Like what happened today with Rose. 

So I’m the one who is making everything up, and it’s not okay.  

The day that you did what you did reminded me that you were just like the rest of them. 

You were no better, because you followed suit instead of standing up against the grain. 

You didn’t want to lose the false unity that you had for someone of the likes of me, because you know you had to be upfront? and state the truth. 

You’re good with who you are, so please let me be free. 

Stop praying for us, because I stopped praying for us when you chose the wrong victory. 

It was the victory that feed who you are and not joined with me. 

You liked it. 

You enabled it, and now that I’ve called you out, you want to act like you’re sorry. 

You never was, so please don’t use the reruns ruse that you’ve used on blondie and tall, and petite on me. 

I’m not them and was never their lump sum. 

You won. 

You wanted me broken and defeated and hurt and battered. 

So you won. 

I feel like railroad tracks ran over me. 

My eyes have opened on who you are. 

You are with us now

You have always been

When we’re found without

You’re found within

Like today’s sermon said, don’t need to be attached to anything or anyone. 

I lose control and obsessiveness. 

I was obsessive over us and we weren’t God’s best. 

I choose to have freedom in God and just be detached from all things that are not a part of God’s promises. 

I hate this path that I’m in and I hate that I’m in a journey that requires me to look so foolish that it makes me doubt what it is that you God has ever said to me. 

I pick up that people doubt what I say or tell them because of how I look. 

Because of how I don’t look a certain way. 

I won’t be the modelesque that this world has based it self on. 

You called me to be different when society accepts the difference but christians do not. You call me to change, but christians don’t want to receive the change that I bring. 

So here I am struggling to hear you God, because the lies of the enemy is what wins even in your own churches as christians. 

How I can compete and win when I’m battling against the Regina Ann’s, the Lanta’s, and the Rose’s.

I’ve been bullied to the point that I didn’t want to do this assignment anymore. 

You’ve blocked me from being successful. 

I don’t care about my heart, because there’s others out there who has a heart of stone and are extremely successful. 

But I’m struggling. 

I’m battling. 

I get complimented but I twist it because I don’t believe that I’m good enough for the quota, and quota of the ‘right people.’ 

I don’t want this walk. 

You can have it. 

You can give it to someone else who knows how to handle it. 

You can bless the right people when I’m feeling suffering daily. 

I’m pushing you do this. 

I don’t want no one to help me, because they get coached better than me. 

I’m barely able to keep my head afloat, and you tell me the nonsense that you tell me God. 

I don’t want to pray for others when they can’t even match my feet. 

You can do you God, you always have and you always will. 

I can barely hear anyways, so whatever you are telling me is like congested with the air. 

There’s no way that you want the best for me God. There’s no way. The fact that Rose got to go to sweet chick, which is a place that I’ve wanted to go since before it’s become what it has become, is the absurdity of I see that you don’t love me; because if you did then you wouldn’t block me as much as you have God. The fact remains that I’m struggling and you don’t even care because you have me out here waiting in vain God. 

When the way is unclear and the answers illusive

He is different by far than our broken conclusions

You are not the god my pain has conceived 

You are deeper and stronger than my eyes can see

Just waiting in vain every single day until I’m like 99 like Abraham to receive the blessings. You don’t even want to bless me now. That’s not okay. So I’m going to do me without you. I’ve tried it you your way, and it didn’t work. The fact that I’ve used to work out, and no one has notice that I’ve lost weight, confirms that I’m still fat in pictures, and to people. No one sees that I’m not an xl or xxl, and that is disheartening. 

The vortex that I tried to leave was what you used to prove how you can mess with me. 

You proved a point, that you can conspire a whole community to publicly alienate me; because you didn’t like what I was, or what I come with. 

There’s the inability to let go of what has happened in the past. 

There’s the inability to move on. 

There’s the inability to trust his voice, and trust that I’m not wrong. 

There’s so much inability to be and live in the present and move on. 

There’s inability to want to see that I’ve wanted to be validated by the very fake unity who rejected me and played me. 

There’s inability to see that I want worldly things more than Godly things. 

There’s an inability to see that I don’t want freedom, when I know and believe that I can thrive on brokenness. 

There’s an inability to see that I don’t want to be healthy or move in 2017, and renew my mindset and headspace. 

I can’t go back to this. I can’t go back to this space. I have to receive what’s is His and His name. That’s the only way to be redeemed and freed from my mistakes and embrace God’s grace.

Let You Go by United Pursuit explains the letting go of every emotion that changes who God is in our space. It’s letting go of how small we made God, how big we capitalized the fear. The song speaks in profound ways to me, in the verses that mimics where my life has landed with God. 

Help me let You go

Help me give up control

of the god i have made you

when my fear has contained you

Happy reading!! Happy Listening!! Blessings!! 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Seek First  — January 16, 2017

Seek First 

Peace that passes, my understanding 
Love that conquers, my fear and regret 

Joy unending, eternal mleasure

In your presence, my risen King

1/9/17

God am I negative? Then show me how to be in love. Show me how to surrender this flesh fire that I have within my heart. Show me how to not have my negativity spill on to others. I don’t want this life anymore that involves me being negative. I’m tired of hurting Regina Ann*, and hearing that I’m not there for her. Show me how to be better. I surrender my negative spirit. What are the wrong things that I’m feeding God? Show me so that you can hold me accountable to not do them? God I need you. Where are you when I am dealing with this high amounts of negativity that spews on others? Show me how to let go of it. Show me how to just let go of it all. I don’t want to be negative anymore. I don’t want to remain broken anymore. 

Show me how to be healthy. Show me how Lord. I need you Lord. I just need you to remove the negativity in my life. In my heart. In my mind. In my touch. Let my touches be tender and soft, not harsh and hard. Let my love be sweet and sincere, not hard and bitter. Father God, show me how to truly be there and how to truly love. I don’t know how to do it. I’ve tried it my way and now I can no longer do this my way. Lord show me how to love your way. Show me how to just be a pure lighter of love to others. Show me how Lord. I can’t continue on with the way that I have been moving. I no longer know how to continue on with the way that I have, but Lord you know what is good and of you, so I seek you be that. One who brings and bears good fruit. 

And I will seek first, your kingdom

I will seek first, your righteousness

And everything I need, you will provide for me 

My heart is to seek first, your kingdom 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

I repent for who I was to Regina Ann. I wasn’t there for here or positive. God you have her. I wish that we can start over, and go back to when we first got saved. That I surrendered all of this and gave you all of me; instead I’ve held on to brokenness that has literally destroyed my relationships with others. I hate that I’m funny. I don’t get why that has to be my gift. It makes me feel like I’m a comedian who will set themselves on fire or secretly battles depression. I’m unhappy with this season in my life God. I’m unhappy with everything. And it’s hard. It’s very hard to get up every day and praise you. 

Why do I compete with my sisters God instead of uplifting them? Why do I not have healthy relationships? I wasn’t trying. I wasn’t even budging. I don’t need to be crying, because it’s all my fault. Here I am in this classroom corner, and just wanting you to take me to space or somewhere far away.

 Peace that passes, my understanding

Love that conquers, my fear and regret 

Joy unending, eternal mleasure

In your presence, my risen King

1/11/17

Father God, the #lesstruggle is so real. I just truly am done with where I am right now. Every time I try to make moves or proceed forward, I get block God so badly. I truly am just done with this season. I just want some milestones happening where I’m not being blocked for every corner that I’m turning. I’m over these delays.

1/15/16

What is this feeling that is in my heart God? 

Please tell me as I walk with you, and choose not to feed my brokenness in flesh. I choose to believe that you love me unconditionally; when for so long I truly believed that you never did. I thought that I had to seek the likes on social media, and validation amongst people so that I could be loved and treated right. I had to beg for someone to see that I’m good enough to be with. 

And I will seek first, your kingdom

I will seek first, your righteousness

And everything I need, you will provide for me 

My heart is to seek first, your kingdom 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

God, I brokenly believe that me being bullied was because I deserved it. I didn’t know my worth or I was pretty enough. I didn’t think I was popular enough or knew what’s in right now in the world. Father God, I was mad at you for getting saved on 4/4/14, because I was like I’m not done proving myself to the world. I believed that I had to prove myself to be seen that I’m important, creative, and beautiful. That I deserved to be loved. The place that I got saved in from jump never loved me truly or welcomed me. The first year at my job, I wasn’t truly loved or welcomed. I had feelings of being ostracized every day for so long. I’ve had these feelings most of my life. 

Today’s sermon at church truly broke the chain and bondage that I had towards validation in man. I truly choose to let go God, and just let you take over and see your truth above my own brokenness. I am loved by you. I always was, and forever will be loved by you. You father God never strayed from loving me, when there were moments that I strayed from loving and choosing you. 

You’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Oh you’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Father God, as you show me that the reasons for my journey and trails were to lead me back to you, I began to see that you love me so much. God you knew that I was going to choose you whenever or whatever I was going through or feeling. I choose to actively fight to believe that you love me, and that you’ve confirmed me already. 

I hold on to your truths and not my own. Where I am, moving on from here is only forward because I choose to let go. Show me God what to do. Show me God, how to love you and your people. How I need you God, and how your silence was never abandonment but your working for the blessings to come whenever I overcome this mess. You were always working on my behalf even when I was angry at you, you never stopped working, because you’re a good good father. 

You’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

You’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Thank you God, for my new found freedom. What 4/4/14 did was began the entry to healing, removing myself from whatever stake I tried to place in the world. God you used how I saw the church to give up my weapons, in what I considered to bring freedom and choose him, and I’ve been going through the metamorphosis of a renewed mind; with new eyes and new gills to breath through. Beyond borders leads to overcoming fear, so I choose you God to overcome my ways, and choose you like Genesis 12. I allow you to lead me as I leave, receive and believe in your love.

Seek First by HouseFires is off of their HouseFires III album. Seek First represents a needed reminder of how much I need to seek God always. I’m in a very frustrated season of stillness and waiting. There’s a lot that God has shown me and I have to wait for certain matters to fall into place and most days I’m over waiting after everything that I’ve been through. I know how to do a lot but God is deliberately slowing me down and it’s very frustrating. But that grace and mercy of God is what grounds me and reminds me of how much I love God, which outweighs how much I want to make moves. 

And I will seek first, your kingdom

I will seek first, your righteousness

And everything I need, you will provide for me 

My heart is to seek first, your kingdom 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh 

Oh you’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

Oh you’re all I really want, you’re all I really need 

Father every breath I’ve got you have given it to me 

You have given it to me

You have given it to me 

Happy reading and God bless!!! 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Glory To The Lamb — January 8, 2017

Glory To The Lamb

Glory to the Lamb

Glory to the Lamb

Glory to the Lamb 

Everybody sing (Glory to the Lamb) 

We sing (Glory to the Lamb)

We give our (Glory to the Lamb)

We sing (Glory to the Lamb)

1/4/17

Lord, work in me. Something is stirring. This is hard. This is hard. Only you God can walk me through these various ranges of emotions, and show me how to give them all to you. I can’t explain the stirring of cries that I feel in my heart. Be with your children God. Be with those who are in the very space that I am in, and actively having to fight to trust and put you first. Lord, just walk with me as I live on this earth. Lead me to what it right and of you only. Lord, you have it all. I come to you because I can’t do this on my own. I cannot keep deluding myself to believe that I can. Walk with me God. Just hold me, and comfort me in this season of unknowing; point me in growing my blind faith, and trust in you. Show me God how to release these emotions on to you. Father God, work on my heart, mind, and keep me in your Holy Spirit.

And this is why, for he is (Alpha)

And Omega

Forever, forever is he

And he will bring (Grace)

Forever 

Holy, holy, holy, holy

Holy is he

 So together let’s sing glory 

To the Lamb

Father, we sing tonight, glory 

Glory to the Lamb

We give all the glory to the Lamb 

Jesus, it’s his name we give (Glory to the Lamb)

For he is (Alpha)

He’s the beginning (Omega)

And he is the end (forever)

Forever he remains and he will reign forever (He reigns)

With all power and authority (forever)

Forever he is king (Holy)

Holy is he, holy is he (holy is he) 

1/5/17

Father God at this prayer service that is happening tonight, I thank you for showing me what is the true spirit of humility, and sensitivity to your Spirit. Father God, I thank you for the push of not placing anything above you. Thank you God. 

God as I draw closer to you, and not feed my bad habits, I’m constantly attacked, and the lies of the enemy come to try to tear me down. God show me what to do and what to pray for. I doubt that my praying, and I am not sure rebuking actually leads to rebuking the lies of the enemy. I’m seeking you to not lean on my own understanding, and I’m coming to you wanting to know how to pray for your spirit of overcoming, in this battle that I’m in. Lord, please renew my mind to not feed, or believe in the past. As I choose to trust in your voice, and in who you’re calling me to be. God I seek you always. 

Glory to the Lamb

Glory to the Lamb 

The Holy one, we give glory to the Lamb

The sovereign one, we give glory to the Lamb

The almighty one, we give 

(Glory to the Lamb)

(Glory to the Lamb)

Great and marvelous are your deeds

Just and true are your words, Lord God Almighty (Glory to the Lamb)

Who will not fear you, oh, Lord and bring glory to the name 

(Glory to the Lamb) You alone are holy 

And all nations will come and worship before you (Glory to the Lamb)

Saints and angels sing 

The saints and angels sing glory to the Lamb (Glory to the Lamb) 

We sing glory to the Lamb (glory to the Lamb)

For thy is the kingdom 

And the power, and the glory forever 

Forever, Amen

1/7/17

There’s something wrong with me God when I’m just battling giving you all of my weeds. 

There’s something wrong with me God when I speak hate, anger, jealousy, and negativity. 

I break not build. No one knows this of me. There’s something wrong with me God, because my apologizes have been said one to many times; and they have now became white lies. 

There’s something wrong with my heart, because it doesn’t seem to know how to love or want to love or know how to fight for love. 

I cling to hate, rust, and what’s not from above. 

No wonder I’m where I am because I need to see the wrongness in me. So I look and pick on the wrongness of others. 

What happens now God? 

What can set me free from my judgmental-spitfire-mouth? 

How can I fight to choose love? 

How can I leap? 

How can I say that I’m an ambassador for Christ when I choose my veins and not the blood the Blood of the Lamb?

When does it hurt enough to want more than what I thought I was or want to be? 

I’m not a sister, I’m a foe. 

A pretender. Someone who can put on a good show. He is not the mister, he’s a role that I’ve became a obsessed with and won’t let go. 

I’m the chains of delusions and confusions. 

I’m the hurt that doesn’t want fixing. 

I want vengeance and my own form of victory, not yours Lord because it’s holy. 

I’m not holy, I’m poison and I want it. 

I’m dark and twisted. 

I’m not interested in what you have for me, because I became interested in my own poison. Now here I am wanting to be free, and no one wants me because of the history. 

He’s toying on what could be. 

She’s distant because of the ream that is on me. 

So Lord, oh Lord here’s the team that I won’t carry but release.

God be with me: my shortcomings, my battles, and pride. 

My insecurities, anger, and how I’m quickly to feed anger, jealousy, comparison and strife. Why am I so quick to choose these emotions but not give them to you? 

Why do I choose to get tripped up on the wrong things and not choose truth? 

I thought I was going to finally be healed from this and having to stopped writing a blog on the same things over and over again. 

This is an addiction. 

I’m an addict to the wrong thing. 

I’m not fighting hard enough to let go of these wrong spirits and choose love. 

Things have changed me and not fighting for love or peace or what’s from above. 

I’m so weak to the things that causes one to love and be strong. 

I don’t what this lifestyle no more, I want a healthy one. 

One that’s makes room for you Lord, not for my junk stuff. 

God, please show me to no longer live or be like an addict or someone who is obsessive and fixated on things.

God remove this weed please. 

Remove my stain and corrupted heart. 

I just want to be in peace and live in your trust. 

Father God, where I am now mentality is like a child who doesn’t know the Lord. I went backwards and not proceeded forward, show me how to not do that anymore. God, words have broken me, and I became their scars. God show me how to be sweet and not harsh. Show me how to be complete in who Jesus was, and is to come. I let go of the god-complex me. Victory has won.

I can’t do this anymore. I need to stop being so harsh. Our words can breathe life or death in your word, you show us that in James 3. If I breathe death then I could possibly end some people from not choosing you Lord. 

Oh how that’s a bad start to this walk. 

I need you. 

I’m in need of you. 

I need you. I’m in need of you. 

I need truth to bleed of you to be free from lies that won’t tell breathe death anymore. 

It’s you God, who holds truth and not my own understanding. 

So please hold me accountable to truly meditate on James 3, and fight to breathe your truths and not my habits.

Glory to the Lamb by Geoffrey Golden is such a powerhouse of voices colliding to awaken within us the Spirit of God to move and impact one another. It’s such a cry of worship and a revival of knowing how big, great, and amazing God is. 

Glory to the Lamb (to the Lamb)

We sing glory to the Lamb (Glory to the Lamb)

I’ll praise and I’ll worship your name 

To the Lamb

We sing glory to the Lamb 

Hallelujah 

Hallelujah

Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 

Declare something in the heavenly places 

Somebody just say, God is worthy, he’s mighty, he’s holy 

He’s able to do everything, c’mon, declare, something now 

In the heavenly place 

If you lift him, he’ll draw

If you lift him, he’ll draw

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!!

River — January 1, 2017

River

Been traveling down these wide roads for so long 

My heart’s been far from you 

Ten-thousand miles gone 

12/31/16

People are starting to come. 

The streets are getting crowded, 

victory is where Brother* started 

back to play one, 

victory is won 

where Brother is His Son

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya 

Every part of me 

But there is blood on my hands 

And my lips aren’t clean

God I come to you seeking you on why I feed fear? It’s what I know. It’s a comfort. It’s something that I can count on to look forward to, but I choose you to seek truth, and I choose you to trust in the unknown. I come to you and let fear go. 

In my darkness I remember 

Momma’s words reoccur to me 

“Surrender to the good Lord and he’ll wipe your slate clean”

Ribcage is not real, but you are; 

God first above all

Brother is not real, but you are; 

God first above all

Regina Ann* is not here/real; but you are 

I choose love for all of the above.  

God first above all. 

God I seek you. 

Ribcage loves love. 

God first above all

Brother loves love. 

God first above all

Regina Ann* loves love. 

God first above all 

Take me to your river 

I wanna go 

Oh, go on 

Take me to your river 

I wanna know 

God I seek you to come face to face with my fears, that have been paralyzingly me since first coming into your kingdom as an adopted daughter. Father God, I surrender whatever emotions of denial and shame, that I have towards you and loose love. Because you love me enough to not ring in the new year, with this still in my heart. Father God, I am embracing the changes that will come and seek to trust you. I come to you to deepen and grow my trust in you. I say yes God. I take a stand to say yes always starting today. I let go and choose your love above my own regards. In your arms I remain strong. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Tip me in your smooth waters 

I go in

As a man with many crimes 

Comes up for air 

As my sins flow down the Jordan 

I surrender my control God. The clocks in my head will never be more timely than yours. So I come to you to remove this mindset that I have placed in our space. That my time is your time because it’s not. Your time is on time, and I choose to be obedient and follow your time. 

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya

Every part of me 

But there is blood on my hands 

And my lips aren’t clean 

1/1/17

It’s the first day of 2017 Lord, and I’m just coming to you grateful for all things. I pray that in this new year, you continue to push me to higher, and to be bolder. To continue to grow me as the woman, that you are calling me to be, and to be an empowering and uplifting daughter for others. Father God, I pray that you continue to push me past the boundaries, that I’ve placed and set for myself and you. To have no frontiers, and to not think that I’m limited to what I can do. To not give up during setbacks, but to push through even when it’s hard to do. Father God, I come to you trusting you even more and just growing closer to you and more adorned at the feet of your throne.

Take me to your river 

I wanna go

Go on,

Take me to your river

I wanna know 

Lord, I lay down my plans and agenda for the new year and going forward. Lord, you are my one true planner, and I hand over my physical planner for you. It is you that is meant to fill in the dates and events and my life testimonies to come. Jesus, I come to you seeking to be so sensitive to who you are, and wanting only your will to be done. I come to you open to what is to come. Thank you Lord. Amen.

River by Leon Bridges is that cross between gospel and blues with the timely input of the tambourine. This song brings peace, seeks hope, but reminds us that surrender needs to take place before we can proceed with anything. 

I wanna go, wanna go wanna go 

I wanna know, wanna know, wanna know

Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go

Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know

Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go

Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know 

Take me to your river

I wanna go 

Lord, please let me know 

Take me to your river

I wanna know  

Happy New Year!! Blessings for 2017!! Happy reading! Happy listening!

(* denotes name change for privacy) 

Victory Belongs To Jesus  — December 23, 2016

Victory Belongs To Jesus 

Who will stand against the Lord

No one can, no one will

Who can stand against our King

No one can, no one will 

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him 

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

I had a dream during my nap today God. In the dream there were kids from my school, and some other kids of whom I didn’t know. They were sitting in the dining, and living room area of my house taking a state test. I had to call up a parent because one of the kids was acting up during the exams. The height of some of the kids varied between short and tall. I at one point, thought will my kids will look short and Regina Ann’s* will look like models in the dream. I was comparing the kids, the very thing I hated done to me when I was growing up, I’ve projected on the kids. Clean my heart Lord. 

Who can stand against the Lord

No one can, no one will

Who can stand against the King

No one can, no one will

Lunch time came, and the parent came after the phone call that was about their child’s behavior during testing. The parent was looking through my papers on the desk, and said “isn’t it lunch time”? They were testing, and needed to eat, so they went to the backyard through the basement of my house. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

This girl named Olive looked like Regina Ann’s daughter. Then the rest of the kids were lined up alongside the wall from the basement of my house go to outside. Outside of my house, in the backyard was where there were picnic tables set up, for people that were around the tables seemed familiar; but I couldn’t make out their faces. Once the kids grabbed their lunch, they found their way upstairs to my room; that was turned into an indoor dining patio set. I was standing in the door way/threshold between two rooms. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

The neighboring room had a huge 24 pink styrofoam canvas, that was on the wall where the DJ table was set up. The room had imprints of me but it wasn’t my room any longer. So I walked in quickly able to glance at all of this and then quickly stepped out. As I was turning back to head to the room where the students were in, I saw coming up the stairway was B*. 

So we put our trust in you

Yes, we put our hope in 

He was informing me that it was his birthday, and invited me in to see the room. B was showing me the room, and we were on the bed that was against the wall; exactly how my bed is placed now in my room. B’s bed had the same pink Tommy Hilfiger sheets that is currently on my bed. He had four pillows against the wall, and his main pillow had some 90’s blue Coogi sweater designed to it. I was like saying something to him about the pillows, and was like “wow, you have four! Do you need all of them?” And he replied, “nah I don’t need them you can have them.” I was pulling off the pink pillowcases to take the pillows then stopped. 

That’s when the role playing started but nothing sexual happened. I wanted something to happened. The role playing was beginning to get violent because of how I found myself laying down on the bed, he grabbed my shoulders and hands from standing over me, and then I somehow found myself releasing from his weird grip. I was able to escape, but then B faced me and blood was coming out from the inner corner of his eyes; then he said this is what my mom went through on her wedding day, and that’s when I woke up. The dream represented the cumulative of everything that has been buried deep inside of me. The fact that I wanted something to happened between us, is an indicator of how I saw men, and how I see sex. Individuals that I should always have sex with, no wonder I was blocked and limited from dating. I’ve set myself to be a name brand junkie, and really based my worth on labels and how things looked from a worldly and broken standpoint, that it has been a constant prayer for God to renew my mind. I’m in constant prayer for God to hold me accountable to change my ways. 

You will deliver 

You’re a provider

I find my victory in you

Forever victorious 

Forever we win 

I find my victory in You

Turning 24 is the year that I’ve been stuck on, especially with specific moments in my life. I’ve been on replay with that day. 

You will deliver 

You’re a provider

I find my victory in you

Forever victorious 

Forever we win 

I find my victory in You

To me, 24 was the best birthday party and Regina Ann came to my birthday party and was represented as anchor to me. Regina Ann was someone I needed in my life. The God in me knew that. My mindset back then on friendship was that I’m always going to have to rotate friends, but that I was willing to settle for how Regina Ann was meant to be in my life. I was accustomed to settling in everything, no longer can I continue this. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

I catered to the expectation of always settling in every area of my life: with my job, my 24th birthday, that had alcohol, and settling with a guy. 

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

Victory belongs to Jesus 

Victory belongs to him

I surrender my 24th birthday God. I publicly settled with everything and God was determined to dismantle me settling with everything in the heart and mind. God is walking through settling, and me being dead. I was fixated on celebrating death. 

Now that I’m walking with you God thank you for keeping me safe, teach me to focus on celebrating life with those that truly love me. Show me how to love boldly and unafraid. Show me how to let go of the girl in middle school and high school, and all the way up to coming into faith on 4.4.14. To have self love and self esteem; and not the need to be accepted by others. Show me to switch my mindset that even though I work in a middle school God, I’m not in middle school. 

Show me how to accept that I can’t reverse time. God you had to keep me in a box, even though I was in the world and tried to join the world by application, you as my applicator rejected that process and I can no longer reject what’s not of you. I pray for my children for the ones I teach and the ones that will come from my womb to always fight to be their best self. I pray for B* to let go of the church he’s in so he can trust you with better. I let go of the familiarity that B* and I had to want something to happen. 

I never want to feed the wrong emotions intentionally and get a rise out of the ribcage you say is for me God. I choose to trust that this man will never hurt me, and that I should not want to get a rise out of him. All he wants to do is protect me, and walk through my brokenness. I choose to chase after you God and never compare the man you have for me with another man. I choose to speak love, not death ever again. I choose to see my blessings and to love him how he needs. God please prepare me to be what you need to be and what my ribcage needs. God I surrender all my obsessive qualities. God show me how to reach my students’ parents God, and focus on you not man, in lust, validation, or acceptance. You’re the man God I need to focus on only. God you kept me safe, change my mindset. God when something is meant to be you part the seas God. So I say yes to being foolish about your business, and not on the foolishness of the world. Amen. 

Victory Belongs To Jesus by Todd Delaney are filled with lyrics that pretty much sums up where and how I feel because the victory does belong to him.

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings sibs!!! Happy Holidays!! 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

In The Water  — December 4, 2016

In The Water 

Hanging on for love, for you, youI can’t get enough of you, you

12/4/16

Todays sermon on Luke 2:22-32: The Foolish Way of Waiting

1. Abide 

2. Be Prudent 

3. Discern

4. Community

Lord, I surrender the level of shame that I’ve had when it comes to publicly acknowledging, and letting it be known that you are God. I’ve leaned on my own understanding and fears, instead of being able to trust you in praising your name publicly amongst those who don’t see. It is solely you who works in us, and bring us from glory to glory. So Father God, I allowed shame to cause me to feed this ego of mine. Thinking that things have to come off like it was me who did it, when it was never me or will ever be that lie. I chose to allow the world have its way, instead of fighting for truth and your kingdom to be recognized and praised. Father God, I repent for my ways, and just choose to leap in taking these steps of not being unafraid or weary of how much you’ve blessed me. God I choose to speak of your name publicly on my lips so the whole world can see. God I choose to no longer feed my ego or Wynee. My tongues chooses to speak truth and not my fleshly identity. Correction is so hard for me to receive or listen to. That’s why you use Regina Ann as you do. That’s why you’ve taught her God to rise above my pushback. That’s why you are a far greater God than I could ever be. That’s why you lead me to Hebrews 11 below through Regina Ann so I could walk through my truths of shame. So I can finally be set free.

“All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.”

Hebrews 11:13-16 NIV

I’m tired God. I’m tired of this battle between fear and truth. I’ve fed fear for so long, now hearing my reality check at new life, and witnessing a baptism hearing the powerful question: do you reject satan and the world? This is all too much. My bubbles popping is too much. I wasn’t asked that when I was baptized. The word ‘no’ pops about me rejecting the world and satan as my answer. I have to reject the world, and satan everyday. It takes 21 days to build a habit, good or bad. That reminds me of the Daniel fast I tried to get Regina Ann and I to do, which you blocked. I wanted a quick fix. My answer to my sins are quick fixes. But that is not your answer for my pruning or my walk. I have to choose truth everyday. I have tell myself, that I choose truth your way not my way. No one knows my struggle because spiritual warfare is brushed under a rug, when this is a very real part of this walk. Father God, who am I serving!? What master did I say yes to?! I pray it’s wholeheartedly you God. I pray Lord, that I’m seeking you daily. 

Feel the love 

Can you feel the love 

Feel the love 

It’s unconditional 

Fill it up

Go and fill it up 

Fill it up 

Something spiritual 

Here I am fighting to seek you daily. To choose the Holy Spirit and not my flesh, but it’s been quite the opposite lately. I’ve been feeding flesh all this time. I’m fighting but drowning and sunk. I’m here trying and pushing after you and it seems God, that nothing is working out. I choose you. I say that I choose you, but the flesh god facades choose to prevail on. Because I allow them. Letting go of control, and perfection is hard. And the paralyzing fears are what I keep feeding. I’ve been giving life silently, and now I’m drowning out what’s right and what is of God. 

You, you, you know there’s something in the water 

Something in the water, something in the water

You, you, you got that flame getting hotter 

Flame getting hotter, flame getting hotter 

Something in the water, something in the water

You, you, you know there’s something in the water

Something in the water

There’s something in the water, something in the water 

Something in the water, something in the water 

Something in the water

Something, something 

I’m in need of the renewal of my mind God. I’m in need of change in my heart. I can no longer do the same things over and over expecting a different result. Yesterday I surrendered acting aloof like I don’t know what is going on, and being immature. I choose to step into the womanhood, that you’re calling me into. I don’t know how to do it. I believe that people don’t understand what it feels like to fight to hear your voice and to be still. But you show me through Regina Ann that isn’t true because you revealed so much to her that keeps shocking me. It’s me continuously leaning on my own understanding. It’s me continuously choosing my flesh. But God, I need you so desperately because I feel so out there that I don’t know where I am. 

I’m diving deep into you, you

Everything I need is you

I lay in a bed at night, and I am not comfortable. It’s a bed that I’ve been used to sleeping in. This has been my bed all my life. I am no longer comfortable with that bed. I’ve never been comfortable with myself, or my life for a very long time. I’ve been passing through probably waiting for death according to me. Probably thinking that I’m going to get killed or something. More of me leaning on my own understanding. 

Feel the love 

Can you feel the love 

Feel the love 

It’s unconditional 

Fill it up 

Go and fill it up 

Fill it up 

Something spiritual 

I don’t know how to be comfortable in your godly discomfort. I don’t know how to be still for long your way. But what I do know is that I need you. I am in desperate need of you. I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t do this how I used to anymore. I can’t. I can’t God. So here I am just begging you God at the altar needing you, and seeking you because I don’t know where to walk. It’s my shame, and my fears that I have to constantly surrender to you. I just need you God. I can’t anymore. I drown in you, and not in my own cesspool that I think is ordain by you. I choose you. 

No one knows of this according to me, but you keep showing me through Regina Ann that’s my own understanding I keep choosing to feed. There’s a lot you’ve revealed to her that she follows your lead and not go ahead of you. If I were her I would’ve went ahead of you God. That’s why I don’t know what she knows, I’m not mature enough to handle what you’ve pruned her to handle. 

You, you, you know there’s something in the water 

Something in the water, something in the water

You, you, you got that flame getting hotter 

Flame getting hotter, flame getting hotter 

Something in the water, something in the water

You, you, you know there’s something in the water

Something in the water

There’s something in the water, something in the water 

Something in the water, something in the water 

Something in the water

Something, something

I don’t speak on everything that I go through, because I think that I can handle it. Yet Regina Ann knows the things I keep silent inside. I think that it will go away. No one knows, maybe a few ‘know.’ I’ve had a lot of hurt, and anger in my heart. I’m angry by the director, and principal at the school I work in. I’m angry at this broken education system. I’m angry at this world for how I became jaded. I’m angry at my parents for feeding the wrong spirit. I’m angry at my sister for having bubbles. I’m angry at everyone for not being understanding of how I process or think on things according to me. But the reality is Regina Ann understands. You showed her how. 

I still choose to be angry at you God because I’m alive, and I’m getting older and there’s these bondages that I have constant challenges with surrendering. God I’m so hurt by being here in Brooklyn, New York, and for so long I’ve been wanting to just leave and start new elsewhere. I thought I had to go anywhere else to find you, because I wasn’t finding you here. And then I did and now here I am. I’m just wanting to be still enough to understand what is it that you want from me? I’m struggling so badly God, just focusing on the wrong things, and not where you want me to seek or see. Clean my heart. Just clean everything about me. I surrender my flesh god facades. I surrender it all. I choose peace, show me and hold me accountable for taking a leap in wanting your truth and clarity. Push me to grow my faith and seek where you want me to be.

Feel the love 

Can you feel the love 

Feel the love 

It’s unconditional 

Fill it up 

Go and fill it up 

Fill it up 

Something spiritual 

The truth is God, I’m always condemning myself because I just don’t know how to approach you God. I’ve been called out or exposed or shown my transgressions, by Regina Ann or anyone else; it triggers me back to my childhood when I would get beatings. I’ve connected correction to abuse. 

I wouldn’t know how to approach the person afterwards when I was a child, so correction is abusive to me and I go to the same place. Not knowing if they still loved me, or not. The perfectionism happens because I’m aiming to have them love me, and aiming to know how to approach them again. I’ve put Regina Ann in the same place I put my parents. I’ve been treating Regina Ann all this time as if she abused me like my parents did when I was a child. This is what I do to you God so this is why there’s so many problems with my sisterhood with Regina Ann. Correction is abuse to me. 

Fast forward to where now and I’m an adult and this is what hinders our relationship God. I will never be good enough, and I’ll get slapped any second now. Correction is not abuse. I pray for the peace to truly see that, and understand that in my heart God, more than in my mind: You correct me because you love me. Father God I surrender my perfectionism spirit. I surrender the condemnation on myself, and truly want this and all surrenders to come from the heart and not be empty words. 

I’ve played mental games and they have caused me more pain than the freedom you want me to have God. Why do I still do this God? Remove this from me. Hold me accountable to no longer feed fears and choose your truths. Hold me accountable to finally stop running from being Still and not turning all of these words into hot air. I pray these words would have meaning God. I pray these words of surrender are from the depths of my heart. I don’t want to hear the lies to keep me where I’m at, so convict me with truth. Hold me accountable God. Show me myself so that I can pray for the removal of all things that are not of you. Father God, I pray for my words to have meaning. Show me how to be accountable of what’s of you, and your will for my life. Amen.

 In the Water by Gawvi in his Lost In Hue EP has just a uplifting rhythmic beat that truly is resembling about how God makes all things new. Love what this song is doing in Christian music and being the new wave of what worship can be and how we are all different instruments being used to bring God glory. 

Happy reading!! Happy listening!! God bless bros and sis’!!!! Xoxo

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Covered  —

Covered 

Grace, glorious grace, grace, glorious grace

At the cross You called it finished

Grace, wonderful grace,

Grace, wonderful grace

At the cross all of my sin is

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace,  

Oh covered, covered 

Covered by Your grace

11/28/16

Until this morning father God, I never spoke truly on what happened to me. Sometimes when an intense moment from my past pops up, in my head there’s a moment of stillness in my life that follows. Reflection has been happening lately about the days of when I was in sales, and on the field. There was a lot that would happen on the field. And when heading back to the office from being on the field for 8 hours, the sales culture I worked in didn’t allow any negative discussion, or any harsh experiences on the field that occurred because of new people. The managers would say as planting seeds: that you don’t remember the no’s when you get the yes; but what they also failed to tell you was that some of the no’s would haunt you forever. 

This is something that I have been suppressing, and not speaking up about since I was pushed out of the sales world almost 3 years ago. It’s also identical to the time I was beginning to come to my faith in God. I remember the no’s more than the yeses. I remember the doors slamming on my face and the curses people threw in my face. I am remember being threaten with that gun, which was so traumatic for me. But the fact that I showed up the next day, was me making the nonverbal decision to become a slave to the wrong master: money.

Grace, beautiful grace, grace, beautiful grace

At the cross, love everlasting

Grace, powerful grace, grace, powerful grace

At the cross all of my past is

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace, 

Oh covered, (you got me) covered, covered by your grace

I became a slave to the sales world and everything that encompasses with it. I was upset when God was pushing me out of sales, and was closing all doors that was associated with this field. There were several situations, where God protected me from being assaulted or hurt. God is so faithful. It was hard to see God’s protection in the midst of me still wanting to cling to the brokenness, of money; that God was removing me from. 

I surrender the spirit of thinking I need to head back to the world of sales; to take care of unfinished financial business, when there isn’t any reason to go back to that darkness. I was great at making sales, but I also lost myself. I was beginning to dress in ways that would get a man’s attention in the wrong ways. I was heading down a road of utter destruction, not realizing in the midst of it, I was in the pit of my flesh which is death. 

No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been

No matter how I fall, You pick me up again

You have removed my shame, You take me as I am

You call me justified, (now I am covered by) now I am covered by Your grace

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace,  

Oh covered, (you cover me) covered, 

Oh I’m covered by Your grace


Father God, how you love me so much to save me from myself. The decisions that I’ve made on the field, are the very same ones that I am surrendering to you now. I am seeking you to renew my mind. For so long God, I chose myself and my ego, like the saying Beyoncé sings goes, “Me, myself and I is what I got in the end.” I would beg people for their availability of being my partner, or my friend. I was seeking and searching for that partnership, and working as a team my way. I made the mental switch, and vowed to work alone when I saw no one wanted to work with me….my way. To not work with others unless it’s a must, because I can do all this on my own…. my way. 

11/30/16

Every choice I make: good or bad has a rippling effect. But I decided to be still God, and choose love. I choose to leap in faith, despite how things look on the surface. I choose you. I surrender all God. The way that I micromanage people, and things. Trusting you about grad school, and these certifications, you have all God. Trusting you with next year. With my household. I surrender every attempts to try to control my life. I seek you instead of my way. It’s no longer about me. It’s about you, and your ways. I choose trust you God above all. I see why you are here with me in these storms in my life. I won’t let go no matter how hard everything gets. You have me Lord. I trust you over fears. I choose positivity over negativity. I choose stillness over my kinetic movements. I choose trusting in you over myself. I choose you above all God. 

No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been

No matter how I fall, You pick me up again

You have removed my shame, You take me as I am

You call me justified, now I am covered by…

I had a dream God that was about a brother in Christ who had feelings for me at one point. I didn’t want to connect this because I saw it all as untrue, he shouldn’t have any feelings for me because I’m not his rib. I saw in this dream that we were in this outdoor space, that had a beautiful scenery. Regina Ann* saw a restaurant that was nice to eat and me, and this other girl I haven’t seen since junior high or elementary was there taking a seat with me at this restaurant. 

Our food just showed up but Regina Ann wasn’t sitting down with us. She was down by some low valley patio of a restaurant that she was waving to us to come to, while our food just showed up. So we grab our stuff to go while our plate remain at the table. While heading down, I ran into the brother in Christ who had the feelings for me. He was wearing a pink/orange jacket with a white tee underneath. 

No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been

No matter how I fall, You pick me up again

You have removed my shame, You take me as I am

You call me justified, now I am covered by Your grace

I asked him if he was able to clear the table for me and he said yes. I also picked up from this brother that he was battling having feelings for me, and let go because he knows it’s not me. The former classmate and I started headed down to where Regina Ann was, but all of a sudden carved out wood doors open up for us to enter to another room that looked like a hotel lobby. We kept walking past everything and everyone. I saw that the security desk had another brother in christ. 

I saw a sister in Christ that Regina Ann and I are growing into a fellowship with she had a messed up nail polish on her left thumb. That’s the last part of the dream I remembered. I woke up saying to myself what was that about? The brother in Christ with the jacket is about to enter a beautiful covenant with his soulmate. I pray that whatever he’s holding on to or wish should’ve happen he surrenders to God. It came to me that he was thinking that we had a chance to have something happen, because of our commonalities and similar upbringings. But God doesn’t confirm stagnancy. He confirms growth. God confirms ways that are higher. God confirms edification. There is no edification in flesh. There’s no growth in flesh.

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace, oh

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace

Covered, covered, covered by Your grace, oh

(I am) covered, (covered in your grace) covered, covered by Your grace

There’s a part of me that battles me liking these wrong men liking me. My flesh. My flesh feeds chaos, and my ego. My flesh does more harm than good for me. So the truth is I’m not ready for a relationship, if I can’t even be upfront with how I like the attention that I get from men and battle surrendering this. How could I be ready for a marriage? Or even a healthy sisterhood? That’s why I have so much issues with people. The impurities on my heart, the impurities that I allow to dwell in my heart. 

It’s honestly a control flesh god facade, because I know that nothing will truly happen with these men because I know who my ribcage is; but it’s honestly feeding that side that falsely leads me to believe that I need to experience a wrong relationship, so that I can be ‘better’ prepared for my God ordained marriage. I can be prepared for whenever I get courted or taken out on a date because I did it wrong too. I can finally experience things that normally people did. So in reality I was feeding the world’s expectation of what normal is, and what is tolerable to my life according to me. God has saved me from a hinderance to my facade, because of what the world has to be the okay with the way to live. Pleasing man became more important than pleasing you God.

12/1/16

This mental shutting off that I’m experiencing God is so real. It’s so hard waking up every day and just push through. Father God, how I need your strength. I’m crying out to you in-regards to needing you. I’m teaching and I’m dealing with the nonsense I am dealing with, on various levels of disrespect and disregard is a lot. There’s a lot going on, especially when it’s so close to the end of the year. It seems all the aggression, and anger that’s been hidden has been stored up to the point of no longer wanting to get out of bed. I no longer want to educate your children. How badly I just want to quit it all God. How badly I want to walk away from this calling? 

It’s been over a week since I’ve read your word. Today I tried for like a split second. I miss the humble beginnings when I was able to read your word at a designate time every day. And these days, I have to fight and catch my breath, and realize it’s time to just fight, and make the time to read the word. How much I feel disrespected. How much I feel like there’s micro-aggression at my job? How status is what gets you heard, and what gets your voice to have opinions or to be taken seriously? Lord, how I went through it these last few months. How I just would break out and cry, no one would practically know, but I went through it. I only did it clinging to you. Lord, I pray for discernment as I continue to work with others, who want to feed their own need instead of being there for others. I pray for just clarity over everything. Lord, walk with me. Cover me Lord.

No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been

No matter how I fall, You pick me up again

You have removed my shame, You take me as I am

You call me justified, now I am covered by…

I thank you for your grace father God, for how you cover me with your grace endlessly. Father God, it’s the weekend and I know that changes are ahead and I’m only walking, with the changes because of you God. I’m also just trusting you as I let go of it all, my past, the years at the business. and just my time at my old church. I trust you with the leaps that I’m taking God because you are covering me.

Covered by Planetshakers from their This Is Our Time (Live) is simply what God is doing in me. He is covering me as I come face to face with my truths and who I’ve been. God has covered me since conception but it’s up to me to fully understand and believe that I’ve received his grace freeing myself from my condemnation regardless of what I’ve done or where I’ve been. 

(Oh) No matter what I’ve done, no matter where I’ve been

No matter how I fall, You pick me up again

You have removed my shame, You take me as I am

You call me justified, now I am covered by Your grace

Happy Reading!! Happy Listening!! God bless you on your journey!! Xoxo 

(* denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

Saviour King  — November 11, 2016

Saviour King 

Let now the weak say I have strength By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
Let now the poor stand and confess 

That my portion is Him and I’m more than blessed 

Let now our hearts burn with a flame 

A fire consuming all for your Son’s holy name 

And with the heavens we declare 

You are our king 



11/1/16

Father God, show me on how to ask you clarifying questions, when I receive your promptings. Lead me to have deeper moments with you. Show me how to be still, and silent Lord. I come to you in wanting to lessen how many times I say I’m sorry, to anyone that I come across with. God just draw me closer to you. I come to you as you are silent with me God. Lead me through this silence. Teach me what I need to know God.


We love you Lord, we worship you 

You are our God, you alone are good 

 

11/2/16

I choose love God, the word fear keeps popping up, and I surrender all my fears to you but I am choosing love and want to leap to the unknown, I want the changes. I don’t want to remain mute. I want to speak up. and open up. So God I choose truth and you God. I say yes to what it is that you want me to do. Father God, I choose to trust you, and leap forward; and no longer look back. I say yes God, Amen. 

Is Regina Ann* truly not coming God? I pray for your truth in this. I pray for your response. I seek you God, because you have the answer. I seek you God, because I choose not to chose fear. I choose to trust you. You have Saturday God. 

Let now your church shine as the bride 

That you saw in your heart as you offered up your life 

Let now the lost be welcomed home 

By the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own 

Let now our hearts burn with a flame 

A fire consuming all for your Son’s holy name 

And with the heavens we declare 

You are our King 

11/3/16

Father God, I seek you to remove this deep level of fear that I have. I come to you seeking your truth. Show me how to be still in the midst of the chaos that surrounds me. Your silence has me wondering what am I doing wrong? Why can’t you talk to me? What can’t you tell me what’s up? But it’s a part of my pruning process. I don’t like silence, and I don’t like stillness. Your silence pushes me to stillness. 

I love you Lord, I worship you 

Hope which was lost, now stands renewed 

I give my life to honor this 

The love of Christ, the Savior King

11/9/16

Father God I need you so desperately, to clean out my heart and remove my fears. Nothing you do is enough for me. Why is it that I want more than this, and I’m not seeking you in regards to this? Instead I make my own decisions and choices. Father God, I need more. I want more than the exchanges that we had. Being here at the school isn’t enough for me, when it feels like the teachers that I’m supposedly suppose to work alongside with, I’m really just a bodyguard. I don’t want anything of this world. Lord, I do want you to search, and clean my heart. 

Let now our hearts burn with a flame 

A fire consuming all for your Son’s holy name 

And with the heavens we declare

You are our King

11/11/16

My heart is heavy God, so heavy. The level of frustration that I feel is ocean deep. How can I continue to work in this environment. I am being inflicted and affected by a lot. The things that I have seen done towards me, leads me to heart check if I have done them towards others or to myself. There’s a heaviness Lord in my heart. There’s a heaviness Lord in my heart. How do you want me to come to you at the altar with this? How can I give you this heaviness, because it’s beyond understanding and the emotions can not be explain. 

Lord how I need you to just touch my heart, and remove this and clean whatever it may be that is triggered by this. Lord I come to you with this heaviness. I am up right now at 1:54 am, because of these emotions that feel stuck in me. Lord, what needs to be done, what is it that I have deflected within myself? Father God, this is another level of needing your guidance, and presence. Of needing you to show me what you need for me to see. Lord, I come to you open, because whatever it is that I am being lead to surrender I say here I am father God. I’m open and say yes. I want you to reveal your truth to me. 

The way your curbing this apartment God is so real. It’s beyond frustrating. I needed to have that apartment happen. I needed to have a place and space, that was my own and I don’t get that God. For so long I had to deal with the frustrations of sharing a space, and my lack of speaking; or fear of not putting my foot down has now made me switch the mindset, that I need to get my own apartment in order to have the freedom that I need or wanted. 

Yesterday walking home with Regina Ann was real. When she went to the supermarket to get food for her family, you just made me had a heart check God. I didn’t want to hear what Regina Ann had to say. I don’t like that she calls me out. There’s a lot of things I don’t like. I don’t like that I battle validation in broken man still. I don’t like that I’m still struggling to please the broken people that I work with. I don’t like that I battle fighting to be a part of this pedigree rat race. This pedigree rat race that many people on the planet chases. No network or degree is bigger than God. I know this in my mind but my heart is having a hard time accepting this, because even though my savior is mighty, the world still choose secular values in music and in beliefs because it’s popular. I battle being caught up in that brokenness. I battle being mad at Regina Ann for calling me out on wanting to feed the popular choices of brokenness. When she was shopping, you were showing me how I need to wait on moving out. 

You God, have been pruning me to be biblically aligned to your truths. It’s not biblical for my ribcage to ask for my hand in marriage and I’m living on my own. The next house that I live in will be with my husband. And that’s not something I wanted to accept or see, because it’s more waiting. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of my gifts and blessings being delayed because that chapter of my life is tied to my ribcage. I’m tired of all of this painful season, that doesn’t include him being fully in my space yet. I’m just tired of how this all looks. I’m tired of the narrow path feeling so whack, being so painful. It’s time for good things to come for me. It’s time for this wilderness to end for me. When will I catch a break? When will I finally say oh all of this ridiculous pruning was worth all this hurt? When will the road less travel finally shine to others that are doing the secular and worldly dance? When will I finally believe choosing you God in full obedience is actually worth leaving the world behind? When will my battle of doubting this finally leave me? When will I finally believe, that sugar coating this walk is actually not the way to go? When God when? 

Saviour King by Hillsong Chapel is worship lullaby that expresses the weight of the world that Jesus carried for us. Jesus carried every emotion that I have being feeling lately, and took it to the cross to free us. So it only because of our Savior King that I still am made to love and carry on, when the weights that have been piled on me are wearing me down. How God says to give them to Him, to exchange for Jesus’ easy yolk, has them in exchange of his life for my freedom, because you choose to set me free God. Thank you. 

We love you Lord, we worship you

You are our God, you alone are good 

You asked your Son to carry this 

The heavy cross our weight of sin 

I love you Lord, I worship you 

Hope which was lost, now stands renewed

I give my life to honor this 

The love of Christ, the Savior King 



Happy reading!! Happy listening!! Blessings!! Xoxo
(* denotes name change for privacy reasons)

Worship Reveal  —

Worship Reveal 

I had a crazy dream recently, where at one point I was in the building of my job, with some of my colleagues. I was in front of them like in a line, and saw one of my supervisors, talking to a student on the benches by their office. Both the supervisor and the student, turned their head to see that I was in front of the line. Then it went to another scene where we were in some cafeteria, which was a large space room. Individuals from our old church were there. 

C* and I was in were in the same group, while Regina Ann* was singing with some people, in the front area of the room that we were all in. This real life couple was in the singing group with Regina Ann. The female of the couple sang, then the guy she was with followed, and then the ensemble that Regina Ann was with, started to join in as a choir behind all singing together. I was moved to tears. I didn’t have on my glasses, so things were slightly blurry besides my tears. Another girl we will call A* came over to me, when she saw the tears on my face, because the way the singing ensemble was so organic truly moved me.

I believed C was crying when she saw this real life couple, but I’m like God what are you saying to me about this real life couple? Are you trying to tell me that these two really belong together? So what about who he was with before, that girl hasn’t moved on the way this guy has with this new girlfriend. This true love stuff, and all that wrong couples that were around me at my old church; and how they were celebrated in their sin at my old church is too much. Love is too much to me now. I am so afraid of love because of how so much transpired. The wrongs are being seen as right, and being publicly supported by spiritual leaders, who are supposed to be true to the word of God first and foremost. The truth to God is being dismissed so heavily. There’s so much heaviness in my heart. I pick up so many burdens, at work. I picked up so many burdens, and hidden lies at my old church. I’m just tired of blind eyes turning. God we all need you so much. 

In the dream, A was really dressed up in holiday colors, and I was like I’ve never seen her this festive, and bold in wearing what she was. She’s also recently engaged in real life. Her soulmate makes her bold. I was walking around with this bag, but it was annoying as if it was bondages, that I was carrying around. Once Regina Ann and the group got up to sing, with the guy that’s a part of the real life couple, it’s like I knew to let the bag fall, and knew that I didn’t have to pick it back up ever again. That’s when A came over. A bondage that I have been walking around with, I became free from through the worship of God, was when A came. Regina Ann was smiling when she was singing. Worship is genuinely an occurrence that happens from the heart. Regina Ann was free, and happy when she was singing. This is what makes true worship part of the healing, and removing of bondages. 

When I prayed to God on this dream, God told me that this couple that’s together now, belong together. And that the other girl he was with was never for him. Things are moving for this guy and his new girlfriend at my old church, because God designed them to always be together. Regina Ann is called to sing, and she doesn’t want to believe she is. She doesn’t want to accept how big of a calling that is on her life. The more she tries to hide, the more she’s seen. God has her insane love story too. He’s working it out right before her eyes, no amount of denial or deflection can change this truth. I saw with my own eyes that God is working on my own love story. So I have no doubt God is working on hers. I have always been called to worship and praise. 

I love to sing but God has writing songs on my horizon when the time is right. I always turned to music when I saw how society ostracized me. Music has always made me feel free. There’s so much unhappiness around me, and there’s so many unhappy people near me. It’s hard for me to be God’s ambassador in this challenging season; because of all the brokenness and unhappiness that I see, pick up, and have to be around. I’m tired. I am tired of seeing the favoritism towards performing scholars that are high. And those scholars that are not performing well are being ignored. It hurts me, and I pick up this blatant disregard to the least of these. Biblically we are called to lift least of these. So, I’ll be their fighter and champion. I’ll be their bridge because God called me to be. God is my savior. God is with me. God will show me what to do, and how to move through this wilderness of brokenness at work. Nothing is bigger than God. 

Happy reading and God bless!!! (*denotes name change for privacy reasons.)

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