Wyn's Playlist

© Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com, 2014-2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Wynee Ganthier and wynsplaylist.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Misunderstood  — April 12, 2017

Misunderstood 

So where is He?

The Bible says 

He is our Father

so where is He?

People say 

I’m aggressive 

No honey,

I just want to 

hear from God.

Others hear from God.

People know 

the voice of God

yet nitpick and reject 

what He commands.

I’m just trying 

to hear and understand.

Why was she 

so mean to me?

People come for me

and attack me 

with words that hurt.

God says she

had to know her truths.

I don’t understand 

King James Version.

I thought I was

supposed to keep ESV.

But hearing Regina Ann*

prayed and was lead 

to give her ESV 

to her brother, and he cried.

It makes me wonder 

was I wrong and if I lied.

God says ESV is mine to keep.

Why am I being still?

God you don’t speak

in this silence 

and all I do is sleep.

I’m trying to hear you.

Maybe I’m on 

the wrong channel.

She was right to write

God is not a God of confusion.

God says she has to be revealed 

her decisions that were concealed.

God I just want to know you. 

God all you’re clear on

is that man that couldn’t answer.

God says he can’t.

I just want to know you God.

That’s why I look 

for things to do.

Stillness is so hard.

Regina Ann said 

fight to be happy.

How? What is happy?

God is so unclear.

That’s how it feels.

God is not a God 

of confusion. 

She was mean, but right.

God says she had 

to know her truths.

God says I did 

what I had to do. 

I’m just fighting 

to do the right thing.

God says I know His Voice

with certainty and He will

become clearer and clearer.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

This is so hard.

Nobody understands.

It’s so hard 

to understand God. 

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Midnight Power — April 11, 2017

Midnight Power

In awe of who you are

The midnight hour 

is your power. 

The grace you show thee 

is beyond worthy 

You are an awesome God

Shaken because the rocks 

and stone within me 

are disrupted to 

radiate your praise

I'm emitted with 

your smitten of your glory. 

I'm in awe of your glory 

I'm in awe of your glory 

Tears are dripping 

because of the power of your name 

I'm shaken because 

of the power of your glory 

I'm smitten because of 

how much you love me 

It's not about the possessions, 

but about what 

you're repossessing our hearts

Take back what's yours Lord

It was always yours faithfully

So hear I stand in awe of your glory 

I'm just smitten by my King, who radiates the emission

of His glory

Freedom reigns 

The Crown remains 

to the King of Glory

Praise His Name. Amen 

God Says  —

God Says 

It feels like everyone knows 

the voice of God but me

God says Be Free

I’m free regardless 

what comes to me

Unsure what’s to be 

God says let it all go

Did I create this connection 

so I’m no longer alone

I feel stranded by setbacks

It’s constant attacks 

Everyone freely makes mistakes 

but Wynee has to feel less than 

God says I didn’t know 

the seamless didn’t mean a calling

I wrestle with finances my way 

God says it’s not my calling 

God says she twisted her own words

God says she’s broken 

God says she wanted misery 

and company to be a theft 

God says she wanted me to

come for ribcage’s pockets 

I just want to be cheap 

so ribcage doesn’t spend money on me

Brother knows she’s cheap

because she wants to creep 

She doesn’t want me to be free

She doesn’t want me to thrive

She doesn’t want me to be alive 

in Jesus Christ 

It’s going to be a new wave: 

come as you are 

It’s a huge culture shock 

going from Sunday’s best 

to come as you are

Sunday best is with ribcage 

because he needs it

God says ribcage misses 

my Sunday’s best 

Ribcage misses seeing me

on Sunday’s period 

I need you God

I just need you

to help me understand 

I choose to walk through this 

Faithful — April 8, 2017

Faithful

He’s not right here 

He’s home with a church, with support, and his family

It’s just me and Regina Ann* foolishly on the phone, and ready to read the word

Am I not meek enough?

What virtue do I not possess?

Where I’m missing out on my blessings?

Her earthly father set her up

That’s why she’s not bowing down to her Heavenly Father 

That’s why I can’t be no entrepreneur 

I had debt galore,

I’m tired of all of them 

Get to be in their sin

Get to be winning 

Where’s my hand out

I need it

I’m tired of these women; females aren’t about seeing me successful 

I shouldn’t amount to anything is their attitude towards this 

They can have him

I should’ve never gone to Alabama cause of my expenses

Sending the message, messed me up 

I’m here on my bed, on the phone, about to read the word 

Because I choose to be a devoted Christian 

Regina Ann just wants to be in a situation where she doesn’t have smoke in her lungs, and her clothes don’t smell like smoke

How are you faithful?

She just got healthy 

Then you brought her brother back?

How are you faithful?

You are a Savior 

That isn’t helping me 

How is her plan not working if the son is back?

You block her from being healthy, and blocked me from saving 

How are you faithful?

He doesn’t have my problems 

He’s embarrassed he almost backslide, but he still would’ve bounced back

How are you faithful?

When the faithless win in sin?

They all have opening 

Every single one of them have opening 

And you want to close doors on me?

I’m laying down on this bed

Living for who? 

I’m just tired of here 

I’m tired of here 

I’m tired of hearing about man that has options, and opportunities, and the other one has a game system he can escape to, and a wife that has a family to be blind to how she got pawned off 

She’ll never be able to say

She doesn’t have work

She has options 

I don’t feel bad for the skinny one

She didn’t want to fight 

She easily gave up and let her man slide

Can you honestly say you tried?

The skinny one wanted it to be easy

She can never work for anywhere, but she’s a church that she’s trapped in

I want rapture to come 

Jesus asks “where you living for Me?” 

I was trying to 

But you pulled me out of my job 

You got me out here 

In these streets with no job

I will go back and forth 

with Jesus, I’m ready 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

One hundred sixty four  —

One hundred sixty four 

It's so hard to trust you right now

I feel like you let me down God 

I feel like you continuously just disturbed me

Why do I have to be open to a man that doesn't have my problems 

That man will always have an opening 

But Wynee had to fend 

I want more than where I'm at 

I hate this season 

It's always by October when my life picks up

It's April and you're telling me to be still?

I can't do that 

I can't do that

You just blocked my plan

You had me working at a place 

Getting paid less than sustainable wage

You put it in her heart to pay me that 

And you're telling me not to save?

Talking about its flesh 

Talking about my heart needs cleaning 

Where's my heart when I'm not working?

Where's my heart when you made me buy things that I didn't need. 

One hundred and sixty four dollars spent on items I don't need 

I could've put it in a CD

I could've gotten stocks 

I don't need the crap you made me buy 

I need more than where I was

I need more than where I am

I need more than 

A bible that I can barely comprehend

A bible that I put colors in

And you're telling me that man sees my creativity, what does that do for me?

Regina Ann* always covers him 

He needs to cover himself 

Got chicks showing off empire-type roof tops

I wish I could work there 

I can finally have insurance 

I have to fix my ears 

I have to fix my teeth

I have to fix my sight

That's what bothers me

These chicks are selfish 

They don't want anyone to be ahead, that's what bothers me

That's why I'm competing 

For all the girls that struggle 

Just to get a break 

And not to depend on a man 

I just wanted to make sure I didn't come to him with nothing 

As a black woman education is so important 

Where you go to school does matter

And God you blocked me from knowing out of state colleges 

You babel me from knowing this

People told me good luck finding a job 

That's why it feels like I settled to that sales job 

You used everything for your glory

That's where I met Regina Ann

It took me forever to get promoted 

My promotion was half way shady

that's why I fight for integrity 

I'm tired of shady 

I don't want anyone to come for me 

I'm not lazy 

Being at home triggers my PTSD

I feel worthless here 

I don't like being here 

Having a job no matter what it is, is better than nothing 

At least I'll have a dollar 

Something is better than nothing 

One hundred and sixty four dollars 

wasted, on a bible I don't need 

That's how I feel

I'll never get that money back 

Whatever I'm just over all of this 

(* denotes that name changes are for privacy reasons)

Healthy — March 31, 2017

Healthy

Will I have full hair

Will I ever fully hear

I’m so tired of you

Then you have this dude, full of rage and lies able to live in his sin

And you blocked our sins

Writing about it doesn’t do justice 

Everyday I have trauma worried about getting beaten or raped

His (man’s) love can’t save me

His (man’s) love doesn’t do anything 

The greatest love of all doesn’t do anything for me

The greatest love has me still here in the bed that I lay my eyes

Everyone else is so well off

The witch cried falsified rape, and gets to play games

I go no where 

The witch cried falsified rape and she’s better off than me

Apparently people respect you when you cry falsified rape, maybe I should cry rape too

I’m tired of today’s society

The witch got her masters, and you have me still

People in their sin doing them

I’m tired of today’s society 

I’m tired of the lies that stay hidden 

I don’t know anymore 

I’m tired of this season 

It’s time for the agencies

You hurt me 

You don’t even understand 

You block me from looking good 

People in flesh in their weave

When I’m doing what?

You don’t block their photo shoots 

But you’re blocking me

Don’t even know what to wear

Don’t even know what to be

The girl trying to do something 

out of poverty 

The witch cried falsified rape, and gets to be with redeemed

Who am I? 

The virgin that sits and waits

It’s a hallucination

Waiting on no contact return 

Waiting on people who don’t want to move on

They were very self centered 

They got their fame 

They got their money

And they now realize it wasn’t enough

Wynee didn’t know how to comb hair

Wynee needs to know the blush 

This dude is willing folks to come to him

These people are figment of imagination 

After today I will focus on God and Regina Ann*

I’m done after today

Wynee needs to take care of Wynee 

No one else is going to do it

I have no say in this house 

I don’t have a place of solace 

Even at that job I had no say

I can’t do this anymore 

I’m tired of struggling 

And you have the nerve to pull me out 

I just wanted my degree

I would have made it work

You already blocked being a lawyer 

I don’t even know what to do

I am tired of you stalling 

I’m so upset 

I’m tired

I’m tired of getting pulled out of stuff

I’m back at square one 

A black girl from Brooklyn, living with her parents

No one understands

People ignore the Spirit

to get ahead, and God is still with them 

No one understands 

I’m tired of this 

I don’t want to share 

No one wanted to share with me

No one invited me out

I didn’t have a car 

God blocked me from saving 

I’m always failing exams 

I’m tired of waiting for people 

Where is my set up

I need something 

No one is handing me an opportunity 

No one is holding me down 

No one knows my struggle 

I feel so tired of my life 

A thirty year old virgin that doesn’t know her worth 

Why are you preparing me for some man that’s doing him

It’s so uneasy to be in this house

Where’s the security in this house 

I wasn’t stressful at that job

I am more stressed in this house

I’m tired of talking 

Biggest lesson I learned to never speak up for myself again 

Laying down on my bed in the afternoon is not healthy

What is healthy?

I never want a man to be an excuse for me to not make moves 

That’s what I do make moves 

I don’t want a man to stop me

(*denotes name change for privacy)

Stillness  — March 29, 2017

Stillness 

Father God,

It's been real these last few weeks to days leading up to end of March. Father God how stillness is just a wrestle for me, when I'm so used to finding like so many things to do to keep myself busy, and push for productivity. But trusting you God in the midst of this season, where things have gone in a whole other direction is truly an example of how you are in control of everything Dad. 

We truly have to walk in blind faith when it comes to this walk, and journey with you. Father God as I wait, because you are truly telling me to be still and wait on you. I make failed attempts towards gauging on what could it possible be that you are telling me to do next. Father God, as I journal down my thoughts, I pray that I am truly dwelling in your presence, and open to everything that you have for me, and want to offer me. I pray that you are just filling me up, but also father God I'm wanting to be overflowed with your love and peace. 

Change is something that I am giving less resistance to, but there's still an evolution in me that needs to happen daily as I grow to desire your ways to choose over my own understandings. Father God, I pray that I am open to the truths about myself. Stillness father God I am learning is hard to do, when there is no outdoor patio to watch the sunset, while waiting on Jesus to give you the message that you need to hear. 

Father God, it's real being where I am for the past several days, the renewal of my mind is happening rapidly as I am shedding and growing new skin. It's all because of you God. I thank you for all that you have done, and continue to do each day for as long as I still have breath in my lungs. Father God, as I wake up everyday in this household that I am currently in, I clearly see the traits and manners that I have clung to, due to habits and cultural identity and transferred mannerisms from my parents. 

Father God, how real is it when you see that the patterns of what your parents are doing, are what you do, and realizing that you cannot take them to the next glory. Thank you God that you love me so much, that you are doing the work in me, preparing me for where you are taking Regina Ann* and I next. Pruning us to be unashamed about doing the foolishness of God. 

Father God, it's been real seeing in me how much was still not being surrendered over to you, and doing a heart check on what is truly in the deep pit of my heart and soul. Seeing what is ungodly, and to hand it over to you in exchange for your sovereignty over my life, by trusting you with everything that you are leading me to do. Abba, thank you for the growing accountability in taking a leap, but also in expressing gratitude. 

Thank you father for the small victories, that have lead to greater ones throughout my journey on this walk with you God. I could not have done this alone by myself, no way. It's truly all of you and only you God, walking with me and just chiseling me bit by bit. Father God, as I come to you continuously laying it all down, and wanting your peace instead of my fleshly thinking of what peace can be. As I read last night in scripture in Psalm 37:37, "a future awaits those who seek peace…" 

True peace comes from you God, yes we can light that candle to give the room some ambiance or worship music to set the room; however, those are accessories that God doesn't need in order to connect with you. There is the yearning of stillness, that God has directed for you have with him. Father God, as I grow in this walk with you as a Christian, I truly am wanting you to hold me accountable with the stillness that you are calling me to have with you. You truly are strengthening me, and stretching me in this area. I am in stillness more than the day before. Father God, I thank you for constantly showing me intimacy and grace, towards the growing relationship that I have with you. Abba, your love never fails, and it never gives up on me…..in Jesus name, Amen.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)

Thank You God — March 28, 2017

Thank You God

Father God, 

I am just perplexed that I’m in this temporary but unknowing season of employment with Regina Ann*. I don’t know how to come to you, when I just am seeking you for reassurance God that everything is going to be okay. Father God, as I write out to you how I feel, the memories and recalling of last night’s sermon replays in my head; to give gratitude and thanks in midst of the “through it” that I am in. I am in the middle of something I can sense it and feel it. 

As I humble myself to realize how good you are to me God, that you are still right here with me, as I take leaps into the deeper unknown, and fully trust you with all my heart. I don’t know what the response back will be, and if I do then I find it hard to believe, but I choose to thank you for wanting so much more for me. I choose to thank you, that you pulled me out of that place when I was settling for less than greater for myself, because I was getting a paid education. 

Thank you for loving me so much, that you do not what me to settle in the love story you have for me, when I’m thinking that settling was the only way to receive “real love”. Father God I do not know, or I’m not fully aware of your plans for me, and if I am then I pray that you please make them so clear that there’s no confusion, or misinterpretation on what you are saying are the next steps. Father God, continue to just walk me through these waves of emotions, that are inflicted by my insecurities. 

I need you God as I truly try to push myself to not freak out, or panic about whatever these next moves may be. Father God I need you on how to move next. I need you with my prosperity, and future days ahead. I need you in increasing my trust and security in you. Father God, everyday you are stripping me and challenging my thinking about my “secure plan,” and what is the best option for me. As I push to not settle, and no longer seek a job that is a paycheck, but be prepared to what I’m called to do. As I trust you with my goals and plans. The leaps that I have been taking has me feeling that maybe nothing is possible, or what am I not doing enough? Am I really resting or just being lazy? 

God I’m having such a hard time with things. I am saying yes to the next doors. As I write out my frustrations, I realize to conclude this with praises and thanks. Father God thank you that I am not where I used to be. Many years ago I would be desperate, and settled for something as long as it could cover my bills being paid, but I am now in a space where I choose to trust you, despite how things may seem, despite what is the opposite of the norm. 

Thank you God for pulling me out from a space where I was unhappy, and just drowning every day. Thank you God for loving me through my fears and resistance. Thank you God for how I have the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Thank you God that I am no longer bound to any chains that would be used to condemn me. Thank you God that I am still standing despite the many who tried to offer me the world. Thank you God I am still standing despite the many that tried to knock me down. I am only here today because of you God. 

On 4/4/14 you saved me. You walked me down that church aisle to the front of the altar, and I lay down my life. I said yes to walking in faith, and wanting to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Father God thank you for breath. Thank you for everything. Thank you God as you hold what lays ahead for me. Father God I thank you that a relationship with you is forever evolving. Thank you God for all the unspoken things, that I have not mention or can’t recall. Thank you Abba, I love you. Amen.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons)

Attacks — March 26, 2017

Attacks

It’s so hard for me to understand. 

I have a hard time understanding what I’m asking for.

That’s what bothers me.

It’s very frustrating. 

That’s why I want to give up.

In my core I just want God.

What is a leap of faith?

Where am I even leaping? 

What does it look like?

Does it mean I’m leaping every time I wake up?

Did I do this to myself?

Is it because I’m not sexually active?

If I have all these expectations, then Lord I lay them down. 

I don’t even know anymore. 

What are the right questions? 

What am I waiting to listen for?

How do I know what I’m listening to?

I’m not doing enough. 

I don’t know what enough is.

I feel like the weak link.

I’m not present. 

I don’t know what enough is.

I don’t know what present is.

I just want to be healthy.

I just want to do this walk. 

I want to be a bridge 

God’s Way.

I want to be a bridge 

to send the lost

to be found. 

God you’re saying I am found.

I don’t even know

what to say to that.

When I push to listen to God’s Voice, 

I don’t even know who I’m talking to.

I think what scares me, is the attacks and spiritual warfare.

In the Bible it says God’s still small voice.

But the attacks try to match.

That’s why I’m praying, and I don’t know if God’s healing and freeing me.

That’s why I sleep.

I want to sleep.

That’s why I don’t like communication, because I sound crazy. 

All I keep getting is I am free.

How am I free when I’m praying and I don’t know what You’re Saying to me?

How am I free when bondages trap me?

How am I free when I don’t know me?

I thought free was a magical lightbulb.

I don’t know anything. 

God show me how to be supernatural.

It’s easier to give up, and say I failed.

God, I’m sorry. 

I’m not taking enough leaps.

I’m trying to be still.

What do you do in stillness?

Where should I go read for stillness?

What books should I have opened?

I have questions and I don’t even know to ask them. 

I have a mouth that doesn’t know how to speak to God. 

I have eyes and I don’t know if I see God. 

I have a heart and I don’t know if it beats for God. 

I just want to give up.

I’m here as a Christian not knowing how to turn to God. 

I’m here as a Christian not knowing what I need from God. 

I’m here as a Christian not knowing how to be there, not knowing what to do, and not knowing what’s truth.

God you’re telling me I choose truth. 

How when I’m in this immeasurable amount of pain?

Am I choking in vain?

I don’t like what I wear.

I don’t like how I’m seen.

I’m a virgin that’s scared. 

What is my identity if God is for me?

What does that even mean?

I don’t know what to wear.

I believe I don’t know to be, because of my sexuality. 

I don’t want sex to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want him to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want Regina Ann* to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer. 

I don’t want brother to be the answer. 

I want God to be the answer.

I think I need mental help. 

I’m always crying about something. 

I pray one day 

I can hear you clearly God, if you choose to. 

The enemy fools me to believe lies.

I get attacked about Regina Ann and brother all the time.

I’m very disturbed about attacks, they make me so fearful. 

I choose truth no matter how hard it is to do.

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons

Virgin  — March 24, 2017

Virgin 

I’m afraid for him to touch me

I’m afraid

I can’t express it

Something popped with him

Like how he sees me

I don’t know something popped 

Something popped for him

Or for me and something I now see

I can’t 

I don’t want 

I’m a virgin

I can’t 

I want out

I can make it 

I can make it happen 

Send me the agencies

I’ll look

I don’t care 

I just want out

I don’t know what popped

Something popped 

Why is he still in this 

If being a virgin 

is a problem then fine

Go to someone else

He sniffed me 

because of my innocence 

I didn’t know you could smell love

He just wanted to smell me

because it was so sweet

I’ve been staring at my hands

and I see they’ve matured 

into grown woman hands

My hands match fingers 

of an adult 

My polish color 

the length 

It’s stupid but it’s an adult hand

I really wish I didn’t listen 

that night God told me 

to hold onto my virginity 

I wouldn’t be here 

because my parents would’ve kicked me out

I would’ve been determined to figured it out

I would’ve kept ignoring you God

Being a virgin makes me not see

They’ll be no Regina Ann*

They’ll be no him

They’ll be no brother

It’s a huge culture shock

My tastes and colors changed

I need to not look childish anymore

Having sex changes you

I really wish I didn’t wait

Here I am 

Whatever I don’t care

Regina Ann* doesn’t have my problems 

He doesn’t have my problems 

I’m 29 with childish outcomes 

I don’t care what he wants

He’s never going to find me again 

God it’s a lie

to protect my virginity 

Nobody wanted to hear from the virgin 

The virgin always gets it worse 

I just wanted to be loved

Being a virgin is a curse 

(*denotes name change for privacy reasons) 

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